Mad Loopers, Juiced Sprinters & Katie Couric

January17/ 2000

  Those darn off-field issues in sports continue to dominate the headlines (yawn!) as Tiger gets feisty, Barry goes on a grammatically embarrassing ‘roid rage, and BobLee takes perky Katie’s advice.  … 

   Tiger Woods has officially entered the phase that all Galactic Celebrities eventually pass through … the “just because I get $70,000,000/year because you worship me doesn’t mean you own my soul” stage.  Michael went through it when his penchant for high stakes gambling became more interesting than his high flying dunks.  David Beckham learned that being Mr Soccer married to a Spice Girl put a crimp in his catting around.  Even Jacko The King of Weird has found that moonwalking lacks the public curiosity of sharing his bed with little boys, chimpanzees, and assorted ugly surrogate mothers.

(Am I the only one that thinks Jacko and Liza Minnelli would make a cute couple?) … how in the heck did I sequeway from Tiger Woods to Jacko and Liza with a Z?

   El Tigre goes to Shinnecock with Earth’s golf media counting how long it’s been since he’s won a major … Saddam was still Iraq’s much-beloved Sheik of the Burning Sands and Royal Rape Room Impressario …  Tim Montgomery was not yet The World’s Fastest Illegitimate Father (more on him in a minute) … Mary-Kate and Ashley had learners permits and not quite a billion dollars and anorexia yet. … Now it’s all about Tiger and Butch … Tiger and Elin … Tiger’s looper Steve … and Tiger’s on again-off again relationship with fairways.  

   Tiger Woods has transcended “golf”. His charismatic star power reached Oprahic levels.  A reasonably good-natured fellow of multi-ethnic roots with a publicist’s dream of a one-word name. But alas and alack … we no longer see those old clips of the afroed munchkin hitting wiffle balls on the Mike Douglas Show.  The Tiger Who Would Be King has showed he is just a man.

   Remember Sean Connery in The Man Who Would Be King?  Sean and his buddy Micheal Caine were deified by this remote Himalayan tribe … until the locals learned he was “just a man”.  The golf world has learned that Eldredge Woods is “just a man”.   

   We have grown tired of watching Tiger make Augusta, Pebble Beach, et al look like your local “muni” … 350 yard drives and 200 yard Lob Wedges are now yawners … as with any “addiction” the desire to have “more” becomes overpowering.  

   Tiger’s first caddy was “Fluff” Cowan.  Butch & Sundance, Starsky & Hutch, Tiger & Fluff … Two one word nicknames turned out to be one too many.  “Fluff”, a likable fellow, took max advantage of his Andy Warhol’s 15 minutes of “fame by association”.   He grabbed a few commercials, signed a few autographs, along with some heafty 10% caddy shares before Tiger sent him packing.  “Fluff” now loops for Jim Furyk and cashed a nice check at last year’s US Open.  Tiger switched “loopers” to Steve Williams … an obscure and non-descript Tour gypsy.  “Obscure” no more.  

   Steve pummeled paparazzi in Southampton kicking and grabbing photographers’ cameras.  Bad move Steve.  As Davis Love learned earlier in the season, the golfing public expects Tour multi-millionaires to “take it” or at least let security handle gallery distractions. Tiger has sorta kinda apologized for Steve’s overly aggressive actions. Which would normally be “case closed” but nothing is ever closed with Tiger.  

   Now Tiger and Butch Harmon are going at it in a war of words reminiscent of Bill Clinton and Dick Morris.  No one really knows what happened between Tiger and his “swing doctor”.  Methinks it was akin to Tiger’s peevishness with “Fluff”.  Team Tiger is a solo act … he doesn’t need “ … and Dawn”, “ … and Roy”, or “ … and The Pips”

   Butch was a well-known teacher pre-Tiger, a Top Ten Golf Guru alongside David Ledbetter, Dave Pelz, Rick Smith et al.  In the Golf Guru biz, the mega bucks don’t come from your star pupil but rather from limoloads of frustrated hackers making pilgrimages to your doorstep for $500/hour reminders to “show another knuckle” and “swing inside out” or “outside in” or “upside down” … whatever the swing secret du jour happens to be. The more credit Butch got for Tiger’s exploits, the more sold-out swing schools Butch booked at his Las Vegas Academy. 

   Maybe Tiger resented sharing his success with Butch or Fluff or even Daddy Earl who doesn’t show up much any more either.  Now it’s Tiger and Elin Nordgren … Jesper Parnevik’s former nanny now Tiger’s mega hottie “swedish model” fiancée.  Here’s hoping the marriage thing works out better for Tiger than loopers and swing doctors seem to have.


Swagger’s Stumper

Who were:

The Swamp Fox, The Desert Fox, and The Baron of The Bluegrass?


Those Silly BALCO Boys & Girls

   There is only one truism for sure in this BALCO steroid soap opera … Somebody is lying.  Maybe everybody is lying?  Maybe Barry was auditioning for an Amos & Andy revival? Maybe Marion Jones has worse luck with men than J-Lo? 

   We will never know for sure “who took what, when, and how much” because it cannot be traced with any reliability … there is no cocktail dress with human growth hormone stains … unless Marion and Tim’s love-child has twelve toes and glows in the dark?

   Tim Montgomery (aka World’s Fastest Illegitimate Father) is singing like a juiced up canary and may implement the Olson twins, Smarty Jones, Juanita Broderick, and probably even “Fluff” Cowan before it’s all over.

   Barry Bonds, who I’ve always sorta liked, lost the support of the all important Bay Area English Grammarians this week when he blasted Tim. “… I ain’t never met Tim Montgomery. I don’t know Tim Montgomery. I’ve never seen the dude in my life. I don’t even know what the guy does.” … it isn’t exactly “Say hey Mr Leo, let’s play two” like Barry’s idol a Mr. William Mays might have said; but it sure beats OJ’s “I’m going to find who done it” … or Sammy’s epic “how’d that darn cork get in there?”

   BALCO kingpin Victor Conti has begged Prez Dubyah for immunity from prosecution in exchange for his little black book of juiced-up national sports heroes.  “Victor Conti” … if folks think Chuck Amato has “mafia connections” wonder what this pasta-head must have.

   Me … I think everyone involved is as guilty as they can be.  Any one suspected of being “pharmaceutically enhanced” should be allowed to compete in Athens but will be required to tote a bowling ball in their race.

Swagger Gets “Scoped …

   “Getting a colonoscopy” may be the most over-hyped invasive medical procedure out there.  Yours truly got his “Katie Couric up-the-butt oscopy” on Friday.   “Piece of cake” guys and gals. OK, the gallon of diarrhea juice you drink the day before wasn’t exactly Peach Snapple but it wasn’t sour milk (or Tab) either.  For the procedure itself you are “out” so I can’t tell you for sure what happened but I did NOT wake up with an overwhelming desire to redo my den in lavender and chintz. Doctor Newell found a polyp and nipped it in the bud … we made a date to meet again in five years.

   If any of you middle aged codgers (and codgerettes)-to-be have been hesitating because you were afraid of “anal penetration” or whatever other stoopid reason … GET OVER IT!  

   Play your cards right and you can milk about 48 hours of family sympathy out of it … “Would someone get me a bowl of fudge ripple please?” … “I’d like to take out the trash dear; but the doctor said to take it easy” …


Every reader over the age of 40 remembered LSMFT = Lucky Strikes Mean Fine Tobacco.  Most also recalled what “Loose Straps …” cause …

OK … reschedule your parties for

BobLee TV Debut – Monday night – 10PM – News14.  

No more NHL “big wigs” to interfere.  

I’m off to the wilds of North West New Jersey this weekend … an obscure resort where you can imagine Jimmy Hoffa’s entrails in your corned beef hash.

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