… OK, that has not happened YET but honestly I am afraid to tell you what actually HAS happened. The TRUTH is soooooo much worse than one little harmless fuzzball dictating the socio-cultural direction of America. … You are going to hear it from somewhere so best it’s from your trusted pal, BobLee … sit down and a few deep cleansing breaths … MIKE KRZYZEWSKI NAMED US OLYMPIC BB COACH. ….
The first signs of impending doom were when 100s of extra fax machines and Internet modems were unloaded deep in the catacombs of Chapel Hill’s Rathskellar. The Franklin Street Nasty Innuendo and Slander Society is “going to the mattresses” as a full-scale National DEESASTER is imminent. Moderators of the “five families” … five major Tar Heel message board communities … are in closed door session to address this threat to “all that is holy and pure” in the great sport of basketball.
Holy Tarkanian Batman … we got us a K-tastrope!
Boy that Jerry Colangelo must have Jello for brains. A foul-mouthed charlatan with “only 700+ wins” and only 3 National Championships, one back surgery, and an unblemished record of only recruiting pedophilic felonious homosexuals will be charged with restoring “glory” to American Basketball. Could it get any worse? Well, yes it can. Who’s mess is K being asked to “clean up”?
America “lost” its Basketball glory under the recent leadership of 2 disciples of Ye Olde Legend In The B
asement. George Karl masterminded the USA collapse at the World Championships in 
Indianapolis a few years ago … and THEN Larry Brown (aka The Smartest Coach NOT named Dean in the history of coaching) went to Athens and brought home a BRONZE medal. “BRONZE” Yippee! Oh sure, they were the victims of nefarious conspiring by jealous team selection officials who “always hated Carolina and were distant 3rd cousins of Billy Packer” … but still these disasters indeed occurred “on their watch”.
So who does Jerry Colangelo (head honcho of USA Basketball otherwise known as “Bring back the glory that those Tar Heel losers took away”) pick? Mike Krzyzewski!
- Was Pete Gaudet not available?
- Will Myron Piggie get a player selection vote?
- Will Wojo train “the big men” … “OK, Shaq, here’s how you set a pick.” … “Pay attention, Tim, here’s what I mean by a ‘drop step’, now try it again and get it right.”
- Will there be sideline interpreters translating K’s “F-Bombs” into the native language of each game’s referees? How does one say “F you, you @#%$ %^&$#” in Thai?
- Will he take 300 foul-mouthed pseudo-intellectual punks with him to Beijing to sit behind the USA bench and create international incidents? “Hey Vladimir Who’s your daddy … and Sergio your mamma is a Ho.”
- Does Beijing have top-notch neurosurgeons available if K’s back goes out at halftime in the Gold Medal Game?
- Will Mike’s objective be GOLD or “developing relationships”?
- Will Shav’s latest stress fracture heal in time for the first tryout?
Whatever Mike does or doesn’t do will be immaterial. The real fun will be THE Non-stop Malicious RUMORS! We’ve already covered the obvious ones above. If Mike wins EVERY game by margins that even Bobby Petrino would admire, it won’t be enough to impress hard-core K-haters. A hard-core Franklin Street K-hater eats Chuck-haters and even Dickie-haters for breakfast.
Legendary K-haters like Thad in Richmond, Ol’ Ben Done, and Fruitcake Freddie are considering denouncing their US citizenships over this outrage. Thad and Freddie also considered that same solution in November 2000 and November 2004.
Right now the burden of malicious slandering falls upon the aforementioned Franklin Street Rumor Mongerers. Expected support from the WuffPack WildAss Rumor & Outright Whoppers Club will be delayed. The Wuffs are being sidetracked at the moment by their own troubles with the INS over an ILLEGAL ALIEN on their basketball team. That the Director of Immigration and Naturalization Services is on record as saying “Boy, that Michael Jordan sure can play basketball well, can’t he?” has been documented. That Mr INS’s name is “Dean Williams” isn’t helping matters any.
A video tape (albeit “grainy”) of Peter Golenbock walking thru the Montego Bay, Jamaica airport last week is already posted on www.packpride.com As with any and EVERY legal issue invo
lving NC State, the ubiquitous “unnamed UNC lawyer” is undoubtedly at the bottom of it.
Guiness records show this to be the 17,693rd time that “an unnamed UNC lawyer” has supposedly screwed NC State. Little Johnny Swofford and Jim Knight ranks 2nd and 3rd on the Wuffpack enemy list behind “an unnamed UNC lawyer”. When “unnamed UNC lawyers” get elected to the General Assembly they become “those UNC a**holes in the General Assembly who always screw NC State”. It’s important that one understands all these subtleties. That’s why you folks have BobLee to help you in these matters.
This developing story on The Profane Polish Prince of West Derm should provide at least 43 related columns in the months to come. I am appointing “Boz in Winston-Salem” to keep count.
As you try to disseminate the rumors from facts as regards the upcoming Krzyzewski Olympiad use this simple forensic sniff test. If there is even a wiff of The Rathskellar’s Lasagna to the story … file it in the “not a lick of truth to it” bin. Or, even better, discount 99% of whatever you hear since, of course, “UNC journalists control all the sports media in the Western Hemisphere (the other 1% being John Feinstein)”. More pearls of wisdom from The Goggle-Eyed Wuff Book Of Common Knowledge.
I do LOVE living in the middle of all this silly crap.
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Swagger’s Stumper
What was Joe Friday’s badge #?
(Stumper busters BEWARE … Little Ricky Packard is back in the game)
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Crash Davis’ Coach left baseball “to sell Lady Kenmores at Sears” … “it was ugly”.
OOPS … sorry about that double e-mailing … pretty sure it was either Dickie’s fault or of course newly-appointed US Olympic BB Coach Mike Krzyzewski …
Thanks to Shu in the high desert, BobLee has a special junk food tour of Greater LA planned for the weekend. He’ll add his picture to the Wall of Fame at Pink’s plus a must trip to The Hat in Pasadena.
Whichever coach loses “The Battle of The Land Grant Schools” Thursday night at Carter-Finley better hire an intern to start his car on Friday morning.
We know we’re confusing you folks with this plethora of special columns but just soooo much cool stuff happening … if Swagger doesn’t set you straight, who’s gonna?
