Like Rasputin … This Rumor Won’t Die!

January17/ 2000

  Like the irascible “mad monk” of czarist Russia, the Internet born and fed rumor of Steve Spurrier and UNC Football simply will not die.  Its durability has nothing whatsoever to do with validity and everything to do with the imaginary universe created by Internet fan forums. One lonely loonie posts a hypothetical seven months ago and thousands of lemming-like loonies have made it their clarion cry ever since.  What continues to drive so many loons over-the-cliff chasing this silliness … ???

   Sports circa 2004 is no longer rooted in any reality on-field or court involving players, coaches or bouncing balls.  It is rather centered in “fantasy leagues” and in the vividly deranged imagination of obsessed fans fueled by cable modems, empty lives and opinions without consequence.  

   There is nothing particularly unique about “the Spurrier Rumor” when viewed on a national basis … except that it involves a prominent university and a well-known controversial sports figure. Whenever a prominent school’s major sports program is reeling from un-success the vultures and hyenas begin to circle.  Such is the situation with Carolina Football … and such was the recent situation with Carolina Basketball.  That UNC Athletics has been in disarray of one sort or another for the past six years created a fertile environment for our “Rasputin Rumor” to birth and breed.

   It is unlikely that the Lunatic Fringe of the Tar Heel fan base could have cultivated this latest silliness if it had not been “in training” for this one thru Torbush, Gutheridge, Darnell, Beamer, Roy I, Matt, Larry, Karl, Roy II and the assorted Schotteheimer, Donnan, Gibbs, Pitino, Tubby, Self, and goodness knows how many other “I heard from an in-the-know source that …”. 

   Tar Heel fans, like fans at every university in America, sincerely believe they occupy the epi-center of the college sportsworld.  (OK, the Wuffies don’t believe that about themselves but that’s because of the national media conspiracy (now apparently aided by Adidas) to deny them the respect they so rightfully deserve).  But anyway … fans at UNC, Kentucky, Indiana, UCLA, Ohio State, USC, LSU, UGa, FSU, Michigan, Okla, KU ad infinitum all sleep with one eye open … in fear that maybe, just maybe, they are NOT the GREATEST COLLEGE SPORTS PROGRAM IN THE HISTORY OF SPORTS. 

   The stage was set and seeds sown for a Lallapalooza of a Wild-Ass Rumor (W-AR) … The highest profile “available coach” (aka Visor Boy) was the final piece of the puzzle.  History will never recognize the fateful loonie that first posted the “Spurrier to UNC” rumor last October.    


The Universal Rule of Internet Wild-Ass Rumors 

   Once a W-AR is posted by a minimum of three loonies on at least two separate fan forums it “has legs” and … this is critical … 

it can leave the Internet and venture into Talk Radio and “print media”.


   A bored message board loon was picking his nose on a slow day back in October … when both Carolina and the Redskins were suffering long Saturdays and Sundays respectively.  Who knows how “the lucky sperm found the egg” but find it it did.  Like the guy in Montreal that started the AIDS epidemic … once our nose-picking loonie typed out “… that idiot  Baddour should hire Steve Spurrier” … SHAZAAM … the genie was out of the cyber bottle. 

   In no time at all, other loonie nose pickers dressed up the original bare bones W-AR with all the essential ingredients … “secret meetings between Spurrier’s people and UNC Athletic officials” … “reports out of Florida” … “a friend of a friend of Spurrier” … and, OF COURSE, the cherry on the top of any OFFICIAL Carolina Coaching Rumor = “Spurrier has purchased a lot at Governors Club” … !

   It used to be that Carolina sports rumor-nuts staked out Maurice Koury’s front lawn for rumor fertilizer … those days are long gone … “the lot at Governors Club” is now the IT MUST BE TRUE BECAUSE imprimatur.  Of course Spurrier has never bought nor been given “the lot at Governors Club” but truth is always the first casualty with a W-AR.  “The lot at Governors Club” ties in with “he loves to play golf” so ergo “GOTTA BE TRUE!”

   The real impetus for this W-AR came when print and radio media covering the Redskins picked it up.  They picked it up off the Internet of course.  Imagine our original lonely little nose-picker thinking how clever he was to come up with the same obvious conclusion as “the real experts” … not realizing that it was his little original “they oughta” that had grown from a tiny acorn to THE RUMOR that would fuel Carolina sports loonies from October 2003 to, at least, through the upcoming season and beyond.

   Like a tropical storm picking up strength in The Azores, “Spurrier To UNC” moved with the speed of a BlueChip phenom once it got “official clearance”.  With the celebrity cache of Steve Spurrier it hit “Category 7” of W-ARs.  “Category 7”, of course, means “ESPN has reported that …”. That John Bunting is under fire for back-to-back disappointing seasons is non-news outside of a 200 mile radius of Franklin Street.  Drop controversial celebrity Steve Spurrier into the story and it is instant teleprompter fodder for the talking heads at Bristol and beyond.

   Don’t expect anything to squash this silliness any time soon.  The primary Spurrier Boosters are the hard core Dickie-haters. Regardless of how successful Coach Bunting is this coming season … “Spurrier would have done better!”  … If John does not show significant improvement and is replaced … no one BUT Spurrier will satisfy the blood-lust of the Dickie-haters. If Spurrier takes another job … of course … “that damn Baddour screwed up again … because he is part of an evil conspiracy to insure that UNC Football does not succeed.” … (Note: Don’t even try to figure that one out … but its at the core of the lunatic mindset)


Swagger’s Stumper

She was Chrissie’s Aborigine rival before Martina ???


   A wonderful chapter was written in the “Spurrier W-AR” last week.  The Duke Chronicle (that’s the Duke version of the DTH) wrote a sports story about the Spurrier W-AR … and, of course, Tar Heel loonies sucked it all up like a lunker bass swallowing a rubber worm.  Carolina fans believing the Duke student newspaper ??? … some snotty little New Jersey silverspoon desperate for a filler story for a summer session school paper becomes a junior Woodward & Bernstein … “it must be true because I read it in the Duke student newspaper”. That now ranks with Danny Ford and Bobby Bowden saying “Carolina is the sleeping giant of college football” … every other syllable ever uttered by those two scurrilous rascals are considered “lies and damn lies” UNLESS they feed the ego-appetites of the Lunatic Fringe.   

   “The Spurrier W-AR” has generated enough compost heat to sustain itself for AT LEAST another two years … minimum.  It has never had validity … it never will have validity … but “Who Cares” in the wild and wooly world of the Internet.

   The Illuminati … Area 51 … George Washington’s wooden teeth … Abe Lincoln was gay … Lee Harvey Oswald worked for Halliburton … Coach K faked his back surgery … Chuck Amato is a member of the Mafia … Neil Armstrong took his “one small step” in the New Mexico desert … and now Steve Spurrier is coming to Carolina … !!! 

I will NEVER run out of material for this website!

“Ruby, Don’t take your love to town” … Kenny Rogers’ rendition of an old Mel Tillis soldier’s lament.  

I’m pulling for Jay Haas or Fred Funk at Shinnecock Hills … but the smart money and TV ratings say Phil and Ernie shoot it out late Sunday afternoon on the tip of Long Island.  I once watched a Chase Bank executive ace a Par 3 on the back nine there.

BobLee on TV !!!

Wednesday night – 10:00 PM … News14 Carolina

Swagger will be a guest on News14 Carolina’s Subway Sports this Wed night at 10:00 PM.  Twelve minutes of TV history.  The subject will be the upcoming ACC Football season … but with BobLee … ya never know!!!

A bunch of new readers lately including a number of former UNC Footballers … WELCOME! But … Be Warned: Thin skins and puckered butts don’t fare too well around here!

New readers … check out The Archives to get up to speed!

A Great Article in the current ESPN The Magazine on Craig Biggio of the Astros … worth a read!

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