Lewis & Clark & Beamer & Weis

January17/ 2000

.. It was a 5.5 hour flight to Los Angeles plus that interminable 10 minute wait for the jetway to be connected…. But I took consolation knowing “it took Lewis & Clark TWO YEARS” to get to the West Coast… The “It took Beamer … Theory” has innumerable permutations in our daily lives… The “echos” are awaken in South Bend… The Butler didn’t do it in Hooville, but the Hoos sure did… Lee emboldens the Wuff Loons … and, oh yeah … Swaggy gets propositioned by a Beyonce lookalike… all this and more in Week Seven.

   Not that Frank Beamer needs the money (having just signed a 2 mill mega-deal) but he should copyright his “It took Frank Beamer ___ years to become a winner” line.  If every AD and die hard fan in America is going to use it to buy time for a popular but under achieving coach its gonna rival “what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas” by mid-November.  One place it’s not being used is South Bend, Indiana.

Am I the only one who thinks Charlie Weis looks like Rodney Dangerfield? … and Pete Carroll could be Bill Walton’s little brother.


   Using Ty (3 and see ya) Willingham’s players, Charlie Weis is pretty much stomping the crap outta the “I need time lotsa time” whine.  It’s taken Charlie like no time to restore football glory to Notre Dame.  Yesterday’s ND v USC game was “as good as it gets” to sneak yet another cliché into today’s column.  Like the aforementioned Astros v Braves NLDS classic last Sunday, this was a pure college football classic fer sure.

Am I the only one who thinks Carolina should pull that Matt Lienert “fumble out-of-bounds to stop the clock” trick next year in the UNC v NCSU game.  Assuming a year from now there are still any Wuff fans whose heads haven’t exploded, that ought do it for any survivors.  Imagine what Weis will do with “his own players?  Imagine what Weis could do with Carl Torbush, Mike O’Cain, John Bunting, or Chuck Amato’s players.

With Frank Beamer breaking the bank in Blacksburg (and this time without using Dickie as a Judas goat), Hokie Jim’s bunch had an off week.  Wonder if they were tailgating “on the lawn” and helping NFL genius Algroh upset those ‘Noles?  Nah, I doubt it.  Every 10 years those pesky Hoos whup up on Chief Osceola.  Was this just a warm-up for next week in Kenan?

Bobby Petrino’s Cardinals were held to “just 44” this week but the ‘neers got 46 and it was “burn sofas burn” in Morgantown.

(You can’t wait to hear about BobLee’s street corner encounter with the LA hooker.  Hold your horses, I’m getting to it)

You folks know I like Lee Fowler.  He is a darn fine fellow.  He took my advice on F-Bomb Alley and brought in the extra visible security.  I do so wish he would have asked my advice Friday BEFORE he went and sent that “open letter” to the WuffNation.  I would have told him “not until pigs fly and Chuck wears a size 36 sportcoat”.  Yes, he posted “it” on GoPack.com (the Official NCSU sports website) but within a nano second it was all over packpride.com and the various other cyber clubhouses for the concrete colon crowd.

No coach or administrator should EVER acknowledge his fanbase’s Lunatic Fringe.  NEVER! Those wretched souls spend their lives being totally ignored in the “real world”. They are quite used to and comfortable with baying at an imaginary moon.  The mere thought that anyone but other lepers in the colony hear them is inconceivable.  And now Lee Fowler reaches out to them asking them to group hug and sing Kumbaya Chuckie.

Lee might as well have walked thru broken glass barefoot then gone wading in a piranha pool.  Actually the Wuff Loonies were gnawing the flesh from his bones QUICKER than a school of piranhas.  Within minutes the %$#& Fowler posts had outnumbered the illegal procedure penalties in a typical Wuffpack first quarter.  It was a variation of Groucho Marx’s line about “I would not join any club that would have me as a member”.  No self-loathing Wuff Loonie could respect an AD that stooped to loonie level.

   There are 27 inmates at “Dix Hill” claiming to be Napoleon … but the Joint Chiefs don’t consult them about troop deployments in global hot spots.

Specifically Lee was politely admonishing “his fellow suffering wolfpackers” for their verbal disrespect for Chuck’s picture on the Jumbotron.  That was his original mistake.  For all his pratfalls and all the times he’s stepped ankle deep in Ramses droppings, Little Dickie ain’t NEVER considered putting a 40’ visage of any UNC coach or Administrator on Kenan’s Jumbotron.  In fact Kenan’s Jumbo came with a “Dickie and Meezie filter”.  It wouldn’t show their faces even if some evil saboteur would try and program it.  NO, I have NOT tried it.

Chuck was finally “convinced” to simply ditch the Oakleys and the red shoes.  Lee shoulda just quietly deleted the 40’ Chuck picture on his Jumbo.  Asking Loonies not to boo or embarrass normal Wuff fans is like asking a cockroach to not run across the countertop … that’s what loonies and cockroaches do!

Based on how Chuck reacted to the UNC loss and now this over-reaction to the Clemson loss, it’s apparent that “crisis management” is not a graduate level class at NCSU.

Chuck “could” lose this team and the season totally conflagrate.  He could “lose it” on the sidelines at a ref.  Either would be unfortunate.  Some level-headed adult best “call a meeting” and take charge real soon.  Middle Tennessee is no push-over and Southern Mississippi will be favored.  At least F-Bomb Alley is now just “wuff punk on wuff punk” crime so not a threat to normal folks.


   Whenever I come to LA, I stay at all All Suites Hotel on Century Blvd near LAX.  I know how to get to the various areas of the city from there.  So Sunday afternoon I’m taking my daily constitutional along Century Blvd going to a Mexican seafood place I like.  There’s hardly any other pedestrian traffic so I spied “her” half a block away.  Straight out of “Pretty Woman” with the leather mini and 5” stilettos.  She (or he !!) was going for a Halle Berry/Beyonce look and she/he was darn close to it.  

   I was incognito … not in my usual Internet Legend Cyber Celebrity garb.  I was going for a “probably a Desert Storm vet and ex-SEAL” look.  She smiled, I smiled.  My mind was spinning at warp speed … an Internet Pulitzer was at hand.  Back in my halcyon “sporting days” I had dated much worse and bragged about it.  Silver tongued devil that I am, I smiled and said “whatever you charge, I bet you’re worth it”.  She said “Yes, I am.”  … and I proceeded to have a nice shrimp soup at my little Mexican restaurant.

Yes, I told Mizzus all about it.  She said I owed it to all you SSays readers to have pursued it.  I’m pretty sure she was kidding.  This old dog stopped chasing cars a long time ago.


Swagger’s Stumper

What was “the little old lady from Pasadena’s” favorite street?


 Joe Friday’s Badge # = 714

 Yes … I saw The Coliseum, Dodger Stadium and The Rose Bowl AND Pink’s.  Pink’s is a little dive hot dog stand on LaBrea … but has a line of people waiting outside 24/7.   

   Horny Vikings on The Love Boat … and Michelle Wie gets DQed … later.

  An ABSOLUTE MUST READ … Vince Flynn’s latest – Consent To Kill.  It’s another Mitch Rapp terrorist thriller.  You should read Vince’s earlier Mitch Rapp stories to fully appreciate.  Mitch Rapp is the literary model for 24’s Jack Bauer, except Mitch is not as forgiving as Jack is.

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