Kissing Swofford’s Sister

January17/ 2000

Like a tie … how satisfied will you be to go 6-5, 5-6 each year? ..It all sounded sooo good … Bring in Miami, VaTech, and BC and start printing $$$. … YeeHaa, Fat City on Tobacco Road … Yo, Johnny, divide up that “BCS money pie”.  ..Oops, ‘Canes stumble, ‘Noles ambushed, and ACC gets no invite to BCS Big Buck Game.  Exciting games sure but lots of incestuous losses too.  Tobacco Road scrambles for bowl bids.  Wuffies Huxtablize Mazzone.  … How will you spell “success” in “New ACC”? 

   Heels lose a nailbiter to “one of the former Big East juggernauts” after whuppin’ the Beast of The Big East.  Aforementioned “Beast” falls again to “Coach November”.  Wuffs drop another game to one of those teams they don’t even consider as “worthy” (despite being 0-4 against!).  Fat Fridge shut out again.  At least the Dookies stick to the script.  The New ACC mega-buck pie is a parity-pie.  Fans won’t like that a bit.  Better stack future OOC schedules with cupcakes.

   The Carolina – VaTech game was as exciting as anyone could ask for.  Big plays, game in doubt until final play, beautiful Fall Saturday in Kenan.  IF “exciting football” is your cup o’tea then The New ACC is just for you.  Every game (unless Duke is playing) is competitive.  From 1 thru 11, “on any given Saturday” your team “can” win … OR your team “could very easily” lose.

   Give Jim Grobe 10 points to spread across his season.  Take away 10 points from several others.and they are “not bowl eligible”.  As of today, Tobacco Road could be shut-out for a bowl this year.  Both Wuffs and Heels have to run their tables to get to 6-5.  Neither will be “favored” this weekend.

   Being “good enough” to beat anyone in the ACC is something to brag about and will get loonie alums all excited at those Spring booster pep rallies.  Having 11 league opponents “good enough” to beat you will be conveniently ignored by message board howler monkeys.

   Jim Grobe is the perfect example.  His Deacs have been oh so close, oh so many times this season but no kewpie dolls, no cigars.  No opponent wants to play Wake Forest a 2nd time.  Are Deac faithful “ok” with being “in” every game but losing every game?

   It looked like Carolina and Clemson were going to be doormats based on September … ask Larry Coker about these ACC also-rans now.  Tommy Bowden (aka “Coach November”) has begun his annual “win back IPTAY’s love” string of late season Ws.

   Of course the Wuffs hit a wall at 10 PM on October 9 and WuffWorld has spiraled into meltdown mode big time.  But is their predictable rage-athon justified … ONE PLAY vs either UNC or Clemson and Chuck Is Still God in West Raleigh.

   I received a 911 call from some Wuffie buddies.  They need help from Tar Heels in the finer points of “Coordinator Hate”.  They have already taken away Noel Mazzone’s status as “a real life person with feelings” and are preparing to disembowel the guy with a long handled shovel and a reciprocating saw.


(looks like a bald NASCarl don’t you think?)

   My Wuff Pals asked if we could send over a platoon of our Huxtable Hate commandos as “consultants” in the finer parts of generating goggle-eyed hate to cannibalize one of your own.  I told’em that some of our Huxtable Haters had switched over to Tranquil Haters; but, they were really not officially mobilized yet.  

It’s a little known fact, but last year’s Hate Dave Huxtable Campaign by UNC fans won 2nd place at the Absurd Fan Behavior Awards co-sponsored by the National Mental Health Coalition & Ritallin.  Auburn won 1st place for the umpteenth year in a row.  Did you know you have to register as a “527” to get permission to use a Coordinator’s face on “We Hate ____” t-shirts.  Who knew?

   The issue of Out Of Conference scheduling looms larger now.  Word of Advice to ADs … cozy up to your Div II pals.  UNC plays Louisville, Utah, and Wisconsin in OOC next year.  That is suicide. Those three teams have ONE loss between them so far this year.  Even if Urban bails for Gainesville, the Utes will still be tough.  Petrino might bail for an SEC job but Cards are deep.  Barry Alvarez justs reloads.

   Even if John Bunting wins out and finishes 6-5 with a bowl (think Tire Bowl in Charlotte) the Heels may only be favored in two games next year.  Think about that.  Program much improved, deeper bench, etc etc and looking at 2-9.  Of course, they “could beat” any other ACC team too.  So we have a range of 2-9 OR 11-0 … yeah, that should drive psychotic Heeloids over the edge.

   Same with Wuffies … bounce back from 5-6? … why should they be noticeably better next year than 6 other teams in ACC … but they only needed 1-2 plays to go otherwise to be 7-4.  Ain’t parity a bitch?  

   All the King’s Horses, and All the King’s Men can’t overcome an errant bounce by that oblate spheroid or an official who blinks and in that nano-second misses a knee down or a toe on the line. … and for want of an inch, a man’s job is lost!

   What it boils down to is that next season all the ACC teams may be stronger and all the coaches may be smarter and work harder … but fans will still be fans.  Fans are, sadly, quite stubborn … they simply refuse to get any smarter.  Might as well try to teach a rattlesnake to whistle.  Sports fans’ perverse addiction for vicariously inflated self-worth via “their teams” will win out as always.  


Swagger’s Stumper

What did Betty Furness open?


Plop Plop Fizz Fizz, Oh what a relief it is! 

“Speedy” Alka Seltzer

Which will end first Yasser Arafat or “The Peterson Trial”?  Am I the only one who keeps remembering Chevy Chase’s line “… and General Francisco Franco is still dead!”.  If Yasser goes horizontal will Ringo Starr lose his Arafat Lookalike gig at The Bellagio?

Theres a “buzz” that twice defeated Dem nerdy guy Ersky Bowles may replace Molly Broad as UNC System President.  My Repub pals are ambivalent … the goofy Lib you know is better than the goofy Lib some search committee might dig up (aka Meezie).  He would be the first ever UNC Prez named “Erskine”.  

Ersky and Meezie … ouch! Testosterone overload!

Mizzus Swagger got a fine write-up in the Daily Tar Heel for her election day poll duties.  No enraged faculty squirrels or their misguided disciples have egged Swagger Manor yet.

Carolina Hurricanes radio guy, Chuck Kaiton

Inducted into Hockey HofF 

INCREDIBLY fine gentleman.  Huzza Huzza Huzza! 

BIG NEWS acomin’ about Ye Olde Internet Legend/Rogue Journalist … another giant leap to BobLee becoming a global media “Blowtorch”.  Within the next 7-10 days your lives will change forever. Until then just carry on as usual.

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