Jennie & The Jockettes

January17/ 2000

The consistency to the Olympics had to be the Golden performances of USA Women’s sports team.  Soccer … Softball … Basketball … Beach Volleyball … Gymnastics … and probably some others.  Incredible performances involving athletic, and damn fine looking, females.  Swagger sneaks-a-peek into the oft-maligned subject of “chick sports”. … And Lydia’s Football Picks too.

   Any discussion of jockettes has one over whelming stereotype cliché to deal with up front.  “They’re all a bunch of Lesbos”.  I always winch at “all of’em are …” broad brushing.  What does it matter anyway?  I don’t fantasize about Rulon Gardner showing up buck nekkid on my doorstep … why do I need to imagine that Misty May might?

   Wuffie homophobes claim “all Tar Heels are gay”.  I know for a fact that’s not true.  There’s me, Neal, Mark, Hukill, Little Ricky, RedunDick, Bunting, Darcy, Don McCauley, MJ, Spano (OK, maybe!), Dr Jimmy, General Bill, Big Lee, Norwood, and dozens of other hardcore “heteros” I know of who drank from The Old Well for a time. “Fruitcake Freddie” is wackier than a rabid barn owl … but he’s a hetero rabid barn owl.

   I’m old fashioned. I pulled for Chrissie Evert every time against Martina. If Anna K or the new Russkie Blond are “you know” I’m not sure I can handle the visual without holding a cold beer to my forehead.  Serena in her spandex cat suit would have Althea Gibson (and Arthur Ashe) spinning in their graves.

   Jennie Finch, Misty May, and all the Soccer gals sure don’t fit the old stereotype of dorky dykes.  The Russian and East German “he-she’s” didn’t wear sports bras and have bouncy ponytails. Are bouncy ponytails like “circle pins” used to be?  Bouncy ponytail = hetero.  Hey folks, I’m in unchartered waters on all this.

   We’ve always had the “Peter Pan girls” in gymnastics.  I worked with a guy in the mid 80s that became a certified pedophile watching Mary Lou Retton sticking her vaults.  I wonder whatever became of that sick perv?  Last I heard he was in Corpus Christi.

   I’ve never figured out the whole “Lesbo” thing.  I hired a guy once whose primary skill was “gaydar”.  He claimed he could walk into a bar and pick out the lesbians within 5 minutes.  It was not a skill germane to our business so he didn’t stick around very long.  He had worked with a women’s basketball team in college and claimed “they all were …”. … So now we have all these good looking gals who are clearly “in touch with their feminine side” and are also quite skilled athletically.  Why isn’t that combination marketable?

   I’ve never been tempted to attend or watch an WNBA game on TV.  I did watch Charlotte Smith win the Championship for UNC back in the early 90s … that was cool. If the WNBA were truly a business it would have folded in its 3rd week.  Somebody has negatives of David Stern doing something he shouldn’t have done and is extorting him to keep that shipwreck afloat.  Maybe it’s that Baddour lookalike thing?

   I have dealings with the LPGA.  Yes, there are some of “them” in the LPGA but LPGAers come in all shapes and sizes.  The “pretty ones” are the most popular, DUH!.  About 10 years ago someone noted “the problem with the LPGA is that Nancy Lopez got fat and Jan Stephenson got old and leathery”.  Nancy is still chunky but maybe the “nicest” pro athlete I know.  Jan Stephenson had some dermatology process to unleather her skin and is pretty hot for an old broad.  The audience for the LPGA has stagnated. The future is dim.

   Today that LPGA observer might say “Annika is a very focused chipmunk and 90% of the rest are Koreans named Kim Who Cares”.   Maybe Michelle Wie will hire Britany Spears’ publicity agent and go teen skank on us.  I hope not.

   The Australian Womens Basketball team was wearing “Unitards”.  They did not have the same problem that Corchiani and Rodney Monroe did with those things.  If they had, that would have been another problem altogether.  The WNBA ought to try those unitards ASAP.

   Women’s Soccer peaked when Brandi doffed her jersey against China in The Rose Bowl.  Despite great skill and excellent marketability no one but little Mia wannabees and their parents buy tickets to see these skilled athletes. If Women’s Soccer had any spectator appeal it would have manifested by now. … 

The only way to draw a crowd for Womens Soccer is 

for Anson Dorrance to have a UNC All Americans reunion 

AND  have free barbecue 

AND  put Dickie Baddour in a dunking booth … 

***  3 hand grenades for a $1.00 ***

   Jennie Finch and her softball mates had a lot going for them … but their only future is some Queen & Her Court sideshow gig where Jennie strikes out Barry Bonds or Bobby Riggs while dangling over a shark tank for some “reality show” sponsored by a male enhancement pill. 

   All the USA swimmers did the girlie mag pose thing.  Of course it was “quite artistic” yadda yadda, and apparently rather chilly on the set that day judging from the … well, nevermind.

   Thus far it would appear that the “dirty old men” simply outnumber the sport chicks and unless it’s T & A first, not much else matters.  That’s not fair. Neither is the fact that we get to stand up to pee … I don’t make the rules. … I do share Swagger Manor with Mizzus, Kid, and Annabelle The SheCat.  I have ONE ROOM that is “mine” which is filled with wallsfull of pictures of Mizzus, Kid, and Annabelle The SheCat … except this one cool painting of Custer’s Last Stand showing cavalry guys getting scalped.  Maybe scalping people at halftime would boost WNBA attendance?    



   I mentioned Ali Landry in that last commentary.  Guess what?  She is a Kappa Delta and Lydia kinda knew her.  Ali attended The University of Louisiana Lafayette … which the locals refer to as “Uh La La”.  … Dear friends, if you never glean another morsel of knowledge from this website … “Uh La La” is worth all the time you spend here.


Swagger’s Stumper

Matlock was filmed in Wilmington 

but the setting was what city?


    Lydia’s Picks

Lydia the LSU fan has awaken from a purple/gold haze and will be in the 90,000+ welcoming ESPN’s Chris, Lee & Herbie to Game Day in Baton Rouge this Saturday.  No, they are not asking us to give back the Sears trophy in the spirit of good sportsmanship.  Our National Championship flag proudly flies over Tiger Stadium with nary a “co” to be found!  

Does anyone else think that some teams are playing preseason games this year? Wonder if the players are only getting paid half of what they would normally earn – like the other pros? Let’s start with games that fit that description:

UNC V. William and Mary – The Tar Heels open with a must –win game (DUH!) against one of the oldest colleges in our nation’s history –established to prepare young men for the ministry.  They will need plenty of divine intervention to beat UNC.  Bunting’s job is on the line so Durant won’t let it happen. He throws the ball like a first round draft pick and a faint flicker of hope arises in Carolina fans.  Dickie will wear a Kevlar blazer and asbestos underwear and DEFINITELY NOT a “visor”.

NC State V. Richmond – The Post-Rivers era begins with the Wolfpack facing a school  known mainly for roundball fame.  Amato and amigos use this as a tune-up for their big game against OSU…No web weaved by the Spiders will contain McLendon. Count this as a “W” for State. 

TX V. N. Texas – You’ll be glad to know that the Longhorn media guide features 80 pictures of Mac Brown – but none of him coaching against OU. North TX is ranked 1st in the Sunbelt but the Mean Green Machine will be lucky to escape Austin without a longhorn jammed up their chassis.

GA V. GA Southern – Heisman hopeful David Green hopes to make coach and offensive guru Richt happy this year. Dawgs clip Eagles as Georgia begins its march to the SEC title game.  As they say in the South, “this dawg can hunt”. 

Okla V. Bowling Green – Wheels fell off wagon during last two games of 2003 season and   sugar definitely wasn’t sweet for the Sooners. Heisman winner White hoping to get back to National Champion game and win the award that counts.  Falcons no match and get caught in spokes…OU doesn’t even notice as they roll to victory. 

Miss State V. Tulane – The 50th Anniversary of Brown V. Board of Education (Topeka, KS) will be celebrated in Starkville this Saturday as Sly and the Family Crooms take on the Green Wave (ptui…) of Too-lane.  Bulldog fans still barking about last year’s collapse loss to the Greenies that signaled their demise. Revenge is sweet and cowbells are ringing as integration is a success. 


Clemson V. Wake Forest – Bowden secured job with 4 straight wins last year, but job remains perilous. Tigers QB Charlie Whitehurst plays like a champ and defense looks to take advantage of young Wake line. Grobe and the Demon Deacons aiming to win 5 games for 4th straight season but it won’t start here. 

USC V. BYU – The Trojans bent but did not break against the Hokies .  Southern Cal will have an easier time of it this week but will not participate in any post game celebrations in Utah; they’ll wait til they can order adult beverages. Cougars have no bite and Leinhart establishes passing game. 

FSU V. Miami – Once, twice, three times a…winner?  No!  The real Chris Rix steps forward and the Noles do NOT extend a warm ACC welcome to the Canes…Me thinks that Coker and Co. will soon be yearning for the good ole days in the Big East. Berlin unable to generate enough offense and Gore resembles Big Al in 2000 – close but yet so far away…More attention focused on weather forecast than team.

LSU V. Oregon State –Game Day at LSU and the Tiger faithful are in a frenzy never seen before (except maybe at the Repub Convention).  Saint Saban (on his way to canonization) continues to be humble and talks about everyone being at the bottom of the mountain.  Tigers take their first step up the hill  – Beavers be dammed! QBs Randall and Russell make a dynamic duo and OS quickly realizes that they’re not in the PAC 10 anymore…

Enjoy the color & pageantry of College Football!

if your team wins, all the better!



Colorado Judge rules it’s OK for arrogant jocks to have random sex … 

just be sure it’s not with virgins.


   Ralph Boston was an Olympic Long Jumper … Don Schollander was Super Swimmer pre-Spitz … Frank Shorter was Olympic Marathoner.

   Hey SwaggerSays newbees … have you checked out the cool stuff at the bottom of the Home Page.  The Andy Griffith WIWWFB is mega-neat! 

Q: What is the #1 advantage to being a “rogue journalist”?

A: Ability to write columns like this one.   

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