JakeLess In Detroit

January17/ 2000

… Admit it … you just assumed the NFL Final Four would be two “thrillas” didn’t you.  Last minute heroics highlighted by a referee looking in a black box and seeing his life threatened by an idiot fan.  Nope …. Just two games that were pretty much over by half time …. and “the two Jakes”  were both left on the outside looking in. …. The NBA steps closer to a post-Apocalyptic Thunderdome. …. The ACC BB season nears mid-season.

    How can this be … neither of the two Super Bowl finalists have a “show pony” wide receiver/camera hog.  Who do UNCers root for?  The Steelers have three former Tar Heels players BUT there’s that whole “Bill Cowher is a Wuffie” Thing to deal with.  Sure Cowher is pretty much the quintessential “NFL football coach” and apparently an exemplary family man and Pittsburgh community icon …. BUT.  Get over it … Bill Cowher is a CLASS ACT!  Dan Rooney is a CLASS ACT!  Jerome Bettis is a CLASS ACT!

The Seahawks are probably all really cool guys too but since Jim Zorn and Steve Largent retired I pretty much lost touch.  Isn’t Quinn Snyder from near there?  He’s evil … can’t pull for’em. 

Guarantee:  96% of the “corporate fans” at The Super Bowl will have never heard of Jim Zorn.  It should be a requirement to enter Ford Field.  It would be if BobLee was NFL Commissioner.

If the Steelers win (and BobLee and The NFL and the TV ratings guys all hope they do!) then Wuffs can boast about Bill Cowher PLUS dredge up all that Willie Parker-John Bunting stuff again.  It will pretty much somehow prove that (1) NCSU is an incredible institution … (2) The N&O is evil … (3) All UNCers are gay.

A pal of mine was a guest of Bronco owner Pat Bowlin at Sunday’s game.  My pal is in Year 25+ as a diehard Steeler fan.  Apparently there was “a moment” in the 4th quarter when his emotions got the best of him.  His solitary glee contrasted with the funereal gloom of the rest of the suite’s highroller invitees.  He set down his half-eaten shrimp puff and excused himself to a toilet stall where he “made ‘we won’ sounds”. 

Speaking of toilet stalls … looking back on the Panthers season, one has to wonder did they ever truly “get over” losing those two cheerleaders.


 Annual  NBAer Goes Into The Stands After Loutish Fan:

    This one involves a Knick jock-a-thug named Antonio Davis and the silverspoon son of a “prominent Democratic political consultant”.  Grab a thimble to scoop up all the credibility oozing out of both sides of this silliness.

According to Antonio, and the usual NBA jock-a-thug apologists, he was “justified” because “his wife was being threatened”.  According to the videotape and bazillions of eye witnesses, “his wife” had 6” and 30 lbs on the silverspoon frat boy “threatener”.  “Frat boy” was playing obnoxious loud mouthed fan and Mrs Davis took exception to his remarks.  Oh, Antonio is a Knick and this took place in Chicago.  

UPDATE:  Davis’ and Axelrods’ have settled their dispute … a Democ vote-generator fighting with a black man in Chicago … you had to figure knew that was bad for his business!

   In a related story … Antonio Davis’ mamma told CNN that “Antonio is a wonderful boy, in fact he’s even a better boy than Marcus Vick.”

The NBA suspended Antonio for 5 games ($770,000 in real world dollars).  Guess what … the NBA Players Association, of which Antonio is president, is appealing the decision as they do ANYTIME any NBA jock-a-thug does any thing thuggish.  

We propose the following amendments to the NBA Jock-a-Thug & NBA Loutish Fan Behavior Handbook.  

An NBA player should be allowed to charge into the stands and pummel the crap out of a fan under the following conditions:

  • A pudgy white guy makes hubba hubba sounds at a sistah.
  • A pudgy white guy does a REALLY bad Fred Sanford impression.
  • You’re a 12th man and never been in a SportsCenter highlight
  • It’s Utah and the white guy might be a Mormon
  • It’s Rodney King’s Birthday.
  • Calypso Louie Farrakan comes to you in a vision and says “do it”
  • Your lifetime goal is to be a guest on Stephen A. Smith’s ESPN show … better hurry!  

In addition, we propose that:

The first 10 rows of any NBA arena be designated as Caveat Emptor Seating.  For $500/seat you can sit there but on a “fan beware basis”.  The arena will supply no security.  These privileged fans will however be allowed to bring their own “protection” in the form of  ball bats, box cutters, AA batteries, and a sock with a cue ball in it.  Like Vegas … “Whatever happens in the first 10 rows, stays in the first ten rows!”  Ten foot high plexiglass walls will separate this interactive fan zone from less exhuberant spectators.  Blood, gore, expectorate, and other bodily fluids will be contained therein (and hosed down at the half).  

Snipers will be placed strategically throughout the arena.  If a jock-a-thug tries to get beyond the designated “anything goes” zone, he will be taken out with a head shot … for which “an appeal” will be unnecessary.

 Kobe scored 81 … and Lamar Odom got to throw the fake water bucket full of confetti on the fans.  WHY did Rick Fox ever cheat on Vanessa Williams ????


    New ACC Basketball nears its mid-point.  To date there have been 175 articles written about the unbalanced schedule and over 83,000 words uttered about what a shame it is” that State “won’t get a shot at Duke at their place”.  Those of us who didn’t get all gooey about “expansion” saw this coming 3 years ago; but hey … if “tradition” was really all that important the players wouldn’t  be wearing baggy britches and there would still be “jump balls”.

   As in FB, the 6-8 middle teams will chew each other up “at home”.  

Duke will lose two ACC regular season games … but NOT at State since “it’s a shame they don’t play there this year” (reference #176).

Any road win is invaluable.  Virginia is not nearly as bad as they used to be.  UK wishes Tubby had returned Craig Littlepage’s call now. 

Carolina is still “young” but not as “young” as they were two months ago.  They will be “less young” this time next month.  Has anyone compared Wes Miller to Mark Dale, Archie Miller, Butch Zatazelo or Dick DeVinczio?

NC State is a very solid team BUT Herb-Hate is like Dickie-Hate.  It is not effected by reality.   

The loons haven’t heard about John Clougherty replacing Fred Barakat yet as “in charge of the crooked referees”.  Look for that to hit home in early February.


Swagger’s Stumper

 Seattle joined the NFL in 1976 …

along with what other expansion franchise?


    Angie Dickinson was Sgt Pepper Anderson in Police Woman.  Angie later joined the designated flirt guest team on the Johnny Carson Show along with Dyan Cannon and Jaye P. Morgan.  

   The ref that blew that interception call in the Steelers-Colts game had a rock thrown thru his home’s front window by an idiot fan.  Wanna bet that idiot fan posts on a message board?

    Carolina Hurricanes having a tremendous season however….  NHL TV ratings on OLN still trail Jimmy Houston Kisses A Fish by 150,000 households but gaining on him.

    Over in Chapel Hill … TRUE STORY … Head of UNC Religion Dept announces he is now officially an Agnostic and doubts the credibility of the Bible.  Whats next … Dean of UNC Med School becomes a Christian Scientist?  Your tax dollars at work as only the UNC faculty squirrels can spend’em.  Reminds us of Ye Old Legend’s preacher/mentor pal, Robert Seymour, that “pretty much believes the Bible except for that virgin birth and resurrection stuff”.

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