House Money

January17/ 2000

The Dickster calls around for new goalposts ….. giddy heeloids search for new synonyms for “unbelievable” ….. wuffies retch on their red shoes ….. and America braces for a referendum on Its national character.  BobLee offers incredibly razor keen perspectives that you simply can’t find anywhere else.  Grab ahold and hang on …

Playing with “House Money”

   I predict the unique confluence of circumstances that embraced Kenan Stadium on October 29 WILL NEVER EXIST AGAIN.  That got your attention didn’t it?  This prediction has nothing to do with the future of Carolina Football.  In fact, the better that future, the more positive that Carolina fans will never again be “playing with House Money”. 

   The term “House Money” refers to gambling without using your own money.  The “house” (casino) gives you X amount of chips to play with.  You keep whatever you “win” but you are not risking “losing” your own money.  55,000 Carolina fans were “playing with House Money” this past Saturday night.  Whachu talkin’ bout BobLee?

   The “money” in this case was “emotion” especially the debilitating emotion of fear and anxiety.  Few if any UNC fans in Kenan at 7:00PM on Saturday expected any results except being on the wrong end of a rout.  There was a curiosity to see “the Great Miami Hurricanes” in person.  Chris McGrath, C.V.’s cute as a button wife, used those very words to BobLee as we left her Tar Heel Town for Kenan.  That “curiosity to see THE BEST had to be how opposing fans of Dean’s BBers have felt over the years.

   We have no history with Miami so no animosity or “pay backs” to deal with.  No one even  “hates” Larry Coker for heaven’s sake.  If Carolina fans can’t find a reason to hate an opposing coach, that sumbitch must be a freakin’ SAINT.  Hating “their coach” is a hallowed Tar Heel tradition.

   Losing to Miami was a given considering this season to date.  Nobody works with or lives near any Miami fans so no worry about “braggin’ rights” for a year.  As much as you enjoy whipping Wuffies and Dookies in Kenan, you worry so much during the game about “what if we lose” that you never just let go and let it out.  It was all “House Money” last Saturday … 

   ERGO … 55,000 fans plus those Lazy Boys in their LaZBoys had no emotional investment at risk in the outcome of this game.  That is why I HOPE THIS WILL NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN … that a Carolina FB team goes on the field at Kenan, or away, with the wide spread assumption that “we don’t have a snowball’s chance in hell of winning this game.”  It was the very absence of that emotional burden that cause so many to say “it was the most fun I have ever had at a Carolina game … and THE BEST game I’ve ever seen at Kenan Stadium”.  

   When no less “experts” than BL Swagger AND the inimitable Mr. Lee Pace can not come up with one any better … IT WAS A GOOD’UN!

  As the game progressed EVERYONE was so pleased we were “hanging with them” yet still waiting for some Miami TD barrage that would bury us. … The decision at the half to “go for it” … Sure, why not; if “we are going to lose lets go for all we can …” 

   Midway the 4th quarter, still VERY MUCH in the game … DAMNATION! … still no pressure whatsoever … “even if we lose now we’ve played them so much better than NCSU did … We’ll still probably lose but have we played well enough for Bunting to keep his job?” … Let’s cheer like crazy. These kids are playing their hearts out … this is GREAT!

The last drive … “OK, we give it a shot and, at worst, we lose in OT” … “WOW!  We take Miami into OT …” … COOL! … HEY, suppose this freshman kid actually makes it?  Ya think?



In the immortal fashion of Jimmy V in Albuquerque …

“Find Somebody To Hug!”

   Enjoy it, relive it, keep the DVD.  “Next time” we will “expect to win” or certainly not be resigned to a blowout as we were at 6:45 PM on October 29.  When you are playing with “House Money” you leave a lot of “upside” to fill.  It was a quite remarkable night among the Kenan pines!

By Contrast …

   Our sister institution has “gambled” in the opposite direction.  Our Wolfpack neighbors have made a quite heavy emotional investment in their FB program.  I do not fault them one iota for being incredibly optimistic that their FB program under Chuck Amato can scale BCS Mountain and plant the Lupine flag on the tippy top.  Unbridled optimism taken to the brink of being just plain silly is an admirable trait, I think. 

   In Philip Rivers they had one of the finest QB in the modern era of college FB and were unable to crack the glass ceiling to join The Elite Programs … BUT they showed glimpses of greatness and like the slit in a geisha girl’s skirt that glimpse generated lustful dreams.  Dreams now dashed for the immediate future … but revivable … IF they are willing to keep making that emotional investment.  WuffNation is not playing with “House Money”.  Indeed, there is no heavier burden than an unrealistic potential.

   Both UNC and NCSU need 2 Ws over their next three games to achieve “Bowl Eligibility”.  For the Heels it is Mr Beamer’s next visit (he WAS in town four years ago for a short meeting as you may recall).  Hey, We Can Beat VPI … Careful, that’s not “House Money” talking.  Beamer – Grobe – Roof. Pick two.

   For the “Red-clad Warriors of Western Boulevard” it’s Tenuta’s Defense (Tenuta is 3-0 vs Chuck … but so was Fat Fridgy) … then DadGumIt Bobby … then the laugher against Greenville High School in BOA Stadium.  … Give both teams their season ender (Duke & ECU) … so its VaTech or Wake versus GaTech or FSU.  Both UNC and NCSU gotta win one of these pair.  Place your emotions on the line boys and girls cause “the House” ain’t covering no more bets. 


Swagger’s Stumper

“We filled his head with cannonballs and powdered his behind

And when we set the powder off; that _____ lost his mind.”

“Who” lost his mind?




   Lets go back 25 years or so … if I made a list of my 20 closest acquaintances (not “best friends”, just casual acquaintances) and someone asked me to note each one’s “political persuasion” I doubt I could even guess on more than a 4-5.  Somehow “it just didn’t seem to matter” that much.

   Fast forward to November 2004 … I not only know the politics of every one of my social acquainti, I know the intensity of their politics.  And, sadly, the diverse political leanings among my acquainti is becoming less and less “diverse” with each election cycle.  With another 15-20 years to leave my mark, I figure I “might” have one lone Democrat at my funeral.  Many Democs may celebrate but Ol’ Duke Buck will be the only one managing a kind word for Ye Olde Curmudgeon.

   Maybe its just me, but calling me 15 different synonyms for “Nazi” and expanding that to call me and my other friends “racists, bigots, homophobes, etc” just ain’t the strategy to be invited into SwaggerWorld.  A goodly number have been dropped from the old Christmas card list for variations of that strategy.  I allow my ideological adversaries to claim the same right.

   I don’t know what will happen today (Tuesday, November 2) … too close to call for sure.  I do know how I am spending the day.

   From 6:30 AM until 7:30 PM I will be a Republican “poll observer” at a “predominately Democrat precinct” in Southeast Raleigh.  Defining “predominately Democrat” … once I go “in country” the only Republican face I will see all day is my own reflection in the mirror when I sneak into the restroom to pee.  Even Custer had 100 other cavalry soldiers with him at The Little Big Horn.   Not to worry about Ol Swagger … I’m a battle-scarred veteran of this type of stuff.

   I’ll be wearing my “brown shirt, my jackboots, and, of course, my KKK robe”.  I add a pair of mirrored RayBans for that “man with no eyes” Boss Man look.  Actually I wear khakis, an oxford blue Van Heusen, and a pair of Baddourian tassel loafers.  “Fruitcake Freddie” and his ilk do so relish those Nazi storm trooper stereotypes I figured I‘d give that old reptile some bulletin board fodder.   I haven’t even needed the ax handle for the past several elections. … … yes, I do carry my Leatherman tool with the hawkbill “oyster knife” option … I’m brave but not stoopid.

   My purpose is to be sure that every man, woman, goldfish, hamster, and inflatable Reverend Jesse doll gets handed a ballot.  No body gets turned away when BL Swagger is on-site.  Now when the same dude comes back that 2nd, 3rd, and 4th time using the fictitious names and addresses, I make sure he gets a “provisional ballot”.  It’s the least I can do for my country.

   Whether you are a fellow Conservative or one of the 5 Liberals still checking this website … the truth about “rampant voter fraud” would shake your core beliefs worse than learning that Dean Smith was Jesse Helms’ love child with Petula Clark.  I venture into “the belly of that beast” and know it, see it, and do my BobLee best to rectify it.

   As a Democrat “operative” bragged to me recently … “We have loaded so much bogus crap into the voter rolls that if you guys catch 50% of it, we still win.”  My personal goal is to catch 80% at my assigned precinct.  The competition among us “Special Ops” guys is fierce.  We get 5 points for each dead guy we catch … 3 points if the bogus address just says “Here” … but only 1 point if they use the names of the Seven Dwarfs.  I caught three “Bashfuls” and one “Prince Valiant” two years ago.  My buddy at another precinct caught a dude pretending to be HIM … that was a 10 pointer.

   I survived 8 years of Clinton but for all his immoral sleaze, that bad boy was at least “smart”.  This time around I have yet to find one Democrat who is voting FOR Kerry.  I know a mindless lot of’em who have been effectively programmed to vote AGAINST Bush … but not ONE to vote FOR Kerry.

Democrats are “Guaranteeing” 

Chaos At The Polls … AND … Street Rioting (If They Lose)

“God bless America, Land That I Love.  

Stand beside her and guide her thru (this awful mess!) …”

   Of course, “my guy” just might win today.  After the National Week of Indignant Rioting is quelled, the faux effete intellectual Libs are effectively marginalized for at least a generation and the mainstream media won’t even take turns listening to itself any more.  Maureen Dowd and Dan Rather can meet at Tavern On The Green and take turns doing Larry King impressions.

   Oops, getting late and I gotta go find my Leatherman Tool.  Whatever happens, I’ll still be around to post a Thursday column and not even 20,000 democratic election lawyers can stop me.


The Joker … The Riddler … & The Penguin

Note … Feel free to send me Liberal e-NastyGrams but understand I have trained our cat to sniff’em out.  She drags’em directly to her litter box and I never even see’em.

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