… SPECIAL BULLDOG EDITION OF SSays … Make peace with your deity of choice, the End Is Surely Near! … somewhere in Revelations it states “In the Final Days … (1) Mack will win a BIG ONE … (2) Dickie will spend mega-bucks for Football … and (3) Frank Beamer will kick a star thug off his football team.” … I think #4 is Dean Smith will kiss Jesse Helms on the mouth. Pucker up Jesse cause pigs are flying to Hell to ice skate.
All the votes are in and …
Stick a fork in Little Vick. He’s Hokie Toast.
Marcus Vick has been kicked out of Va Tech Football
The QB coach expressed his disapproval at the scene of the latest crime … AD Jim “Even Less Charisma Than Dickie” Weaver chimed in the next day. Frank, he said nuthin’. Mr Jefferson, Katie Couric, Patricia Cornwell and John Grisham, all being Hoo partisans, didn’t get votes but all indicated “lynching was too good for him”. Kay Scarpetta offered to do a free autopsy “if they wanna disembowel the no-count hoodlum”.
Checking the charter of the Virginia Polytechnic Institute revealed that any disciplinary action to “little brothers of icons” can only be meted out by a University president. An APB went out and President Charles Steger was found sipping a latte at a local Starbucks, alerting him to the 48 satellite trucks parked in “the quad” and three blimps circling overhead … MVToo Deathwatch was On!.
Prez Charlie contacted Frank ‘Coach for Life” Beamer to get permission to “do something”. Frank did a final check on the health of the three other Parade All-American QBs on his roster and said “whatever” … then hurried off for his regular Friday afternoon “foosball and wings” date with Bud Foster.
Prez Charlie’s official announcement follows:
VaTech President Charles Steger Statement on Marcus Vick
January 6, 2006
Virginia Tech quarterback Marcus Vick has been permanently dismissed from the Hokie football program due to a cumulative effect of legal infractions and unsportsmanlike play.
Virginia Tech had suspended Vick in 2003. The university provided one last opportunity for Vick to become a citizen of the university and re-admitted him in January 2004, with the proviso that any future problems would result in automatic dismissal from the team.
Head Football Coach Frank Beamer met with Vick and his mother this afternoon and informed the quarterback and his family of the University’s decision. His recent actions are unfortunate and we wish him well in his future endeavors.
Said Coach Frank Beamer, “I’m very disappointed that this didn’t have a better ending. We wanted what’s best for this football team and Marcus. I certainly wish him the best.”
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The phrase “his future endeavors” is public relations-speak for “good riddance and don’t let the screen door hit you in the butt on the way out, punk.”
Little Vick’s public comment to the Va Beach newspaper will be submitted to the Not Exactly Contrite Hall of Fame :
“It’s not a big deal.
I’ll just move on to the next level, baby.”
Johnny Swofford’s New ACC was “abuzz”. Johnny was reminded “this wouldn’t have happened if you had taken Syracuse.” …. huuummm, we had Marcus’ stomp at The Gator, A.J.’s sexual assault at the Orange, and Miami’s post-game brawl at The Peach. Other than those, how was the bowl season, Johnny?
Little Johnny quickly issued his own comment … “The ACC was founded on strict principles of good sportsmanship, fair play, and gorging ourselves on as much bowl and TV money as we possibly can. We appreciate Marcus’ contribution to that end … but damn Marcus … YOU CAN’T STOMP ON ELVIS! … baby.”
Dumervil or Pressley … it don’t matter. You can’t disrespect THE KING.
Yes … pundits aplenty are writing this story as we speak. Angles out the wazoo … The Vick name is synonymous all across the Commonwealth. Babies even have their chests slathered in the family’s Vapo-Rub. Junior High girls pine for the chance to share just one Tequila shooter with “Little Bro”.
Cadillac dealers throughout western Virginia had equipped all their Escalades in special Marcus’ Editions … complete with baggies of marijuana, 9mm, and cell phones programmed with Ron Mexico’s private number. A sampling of dealers indicate that “as long as Beamer is coaching, we just might have use for these yet.” They are sandblasting the #5 off the driver side doors however.
NOTE: BobLee is cutting this punk ZERO slack
He will discuss those reasons in a future column.
Cataloguing MV2’s litany of malfeasances had become so tedious that most newspapers editors were saying “just go back the past five years” and “don’t count the ones from back home”. That last reference was to MVToo’s mid-December Tidewater citation for speeding and driving with a suspended license. Apparently in Virginia, those are crimes.
Reached at his home in Rocky Mount, former UNC miscreant wide receiver Mike Mason noted “Aw man, if Marcus had called me I woulda sent him some of the spares I always carry. I have some Dexter Reids, some Panther Cheerleaders, and even a autographed one from Tupac Shakur.
If he just hadn’t STOMPED ON ELVIS! What were the odds of all the Division 1-A players there are, and how many are named Elvis … that’s the ONE he picked to stomp. Talk about “tough luck”.
Upon hearing the news, ESPN programming execs contacted Little Johnny’s ACC office at Grandover demanding guarantees in writing that ANY telecasts involving ANY Virginia Tech sports teams would still have “Big Bro Mike” on the sidelines for his obligatory 30 minutes of camera time. Caught off-guard, Little Johnny has offered Brady Quinn’s sister / AJ Hawk’s girl-friend as a sideline alternative in case “Big Bro Mike” “ain’t ever setting foot in that ungrateful nuthin’ town again”.
It hasn’t exactly been a good week for “Big Bro MV1” either. His Falcons are toast and Vince Young has been officially annointed the latest “Greatest Athletic Black Quarterback” EVER. Within two years, MV1 could be doing Randall Cunningham impressions on a casino barge at Myrtle Beach.
His future now in doubt … MVToo is considering all his options:
- Move to Atlanta and be Big Bro’s cabana boy
- Move to Atlanta and be Big Bro’s cabana boy … or
- Move to Austin and be Vince Young’s cabana boy
He will hold a press conference Monday on a Newport News street corner to announce which of these option he plans to pursue.
Meanwhile, in a Tallahassee holding cell, a very worried A.J. Nicholson noted “DAMN, has the whole world gone bonkers. We’re star playas, man. You don’t treat star playas like this. What da hell … next thing ya know they’ll expect us to go to class and all that school s%$#.”
INCREDIBLE MACK FACTOID … Is BobLee The Only One who notes that Reverend Mack won his BIG ONE just two weeks after Appalachian State won its first National Championship. And guess where Mack had his first head coaching job. YEP! – This leaves Tulane and UNC as the only two schools where Mack Brown has been a Head Coach that have NOT been National Champions. Coincidence … We just report’em. You folks can draw the conclusions.
Where did Mack go immediately AFTER AppState?
Absolutely NO ONE remembered Boris Karloff emceeing the show “Thriller” in the 60s. He introduced each show with his trademark … “It’s a thrilla”. This is THE first time we have stumped the entire SwaggerNation.
A final perusal of the MVToo decision revealed some itty bitty fine print at the bottom. An electron microscope was found and the writing was … “This decision is absolutely 100% FINAL. Marcus Vick can never ever never ever play football again at Virginia Tech unless we are playing in a really big game and really really need him.”
Frank Beamer said he had no idea how that last part got in there and was certainly glad that a sharp-eyed reporter happened to catch it. … Also, with MV2 leaving, it frees up one of those special “we pay YOU $600/mo to live here” apartments. Beamer stated, with signing day coming up, “that could come in mighty handy“.