Hey Boy Delivers Humdinger

January17/ 2000

… I had a terrific story about “illegal aliens” that is certainly timely and rates high on the Chuckleometer, but it has to wait.  … Nothing can compete with a story that mentions “Bunny Hole Entertainment” – Game, Set, Match! … Your not-so-humble scribe knows now how that Okeefeenokee Swamp Boy must have felt … SSays must invoke the “we’re not responsible if you spew carbonated and/or caffeinated beverages all over your monitor” rule.

It was a typically sweltering sweaty day in “the Okeefeenokee” … humidity in triple figures and mosquitos as large as teradactlys carrying off livestock and chillen not tied to their mammas apron strings.  Young Efram had walked down to the store to buy a pickle when he came upon a large wooden vat alongside the road.  A young boy’s curiosity and a handy ladder upside the vat was all it took.  

   As young Efram scaled the ladder and peered over the side, he lost his balance and tumbled into the vat … a large vat of “molasses”.  

   As Efram bobbed to the surface he realized his “plight”.   He simply rolled his eyes to Heaven and prayed that Gawd would “give me a mouth to fit the occasion”.

Yea verily B.L. Swagger has hisownself tumbled into a vat of information equally delectable and deserving of a masterful touch.

Unlike young Efram, I was sitting on my back porch enjoying the wooden glade that backs up to Casa Swagger and the cornucopia of colorful flora and fauna recently added by Mizzus Swagger.  In such a pastoral setting I chanced to converse with The Almighty.  First, to thank him for blessing me w/ The Mizzus and Kid and with you’ans … the ever-growing mighty army of BobLee Buddies. … as I approached the “amen” part I figured I might as well place a request since the direct line was open and all.

 “God, I do so appreciate “the Derm Mess” and how it has enabled me to stay away from “lunatic fringe” crap for the past few weeks.  Of course “rape and sexual assault” is not a laughing matter under any circumstances … but the associated abject lunacy spewing forth from the bowels of this beast are simply unbelievable.   But, God, I’m getting tired of chronicling the never-ending idiocy of Mikey Nifong.  

   It’s like writing about UNC’s Chancellor Moeser … after countless episodes of losing paper clips in his ear, stapling his tie to his desk blotter, and forgetting to cap his fountain pen when he sticks it in his white shirt pocket … more proof of doofusness is simply “piling on”.  God, could you send me some new material on “the Derm Mess”?”

There was a flash of light overhead and a celestial trumpet sounded.  I gazed Heavenward.  At first simply a speck high overhead but apparently headed straight towards Casa Swagger.  Like 747s landing at RDU, the speck grew larger.

  It was a white dove … as solid white as the audience at a Barry Manilow concert.  And on the white dove was a white saddle and astride the saddle was a “little Chinese guy”.  As the dove landed on my porch his passenger dismounted.  I recognized him immediately … it was “Hey Boy” from “Have Gun Will Travel” … Paladin’s personal concierge.

“Hey Boy” was carrying a sterling silver tray and on that tray was a newspaper article from the Durham Herald dated Thursday, May 18.  Attached to the article was a post-it-note from God.  God uses post-it-notes … who knew?

Dear Swaggy:  

   I’m not sure you merit this what with the gluttonous fashion in which you savage some of my more wretched creations (the loonies) but, what the heck, I figger you’re the only one what could do this justice.  Have fun!



P.S. I SWEAR it’s all true.  It’s OK if I swear.  I’m God!

I’m linking you to the aforementioned article, but let’s extrapolate the “really good parts”.


   We all knew, thanks to the unbiased investigative elves at the N&O that “the victim” (unnamed due to editorial policy, of course) is “a college student (an ‘honor student’ no less) … a single mother of two trying to raise her family (under the evil Bush Administration) … a naval veteran (what, not a SEAL and decorated combat hero?) … a dutiful daughter who loves her mamma and daddy a whole bunch and they her … and a descendant by gender of “the mothers of all civilization” – aka “a black woman”.  And, she was/is by chosen occupation … “a dancer”.

   Add to her impressive curriculum vitae … an employee of Allure Escorts and Bunny Hole Entertainment.


(Note: He didn’t make this up … I believe Him!).

   I know this shocks those of you who thought she was working for Alvin Alley’s African Folk Troupe or possibly “The Bolshoi” … but, alas, she be a member of Bunny Hole’s stable!.

Now that merits a hearty YEE HAA on its own merit … but there’s more.

For sure we will eventually meet “Huggy Bear” – the proprietor (chief pimp) of Bunny Hole but can he possibly live up to our expectations … straight out of “Shaft” … a day-glo jumpsuit, platform shoes with goldfish in the heels, an evil-eye Fleegle hat w/ a feather, enough bling bling to impress an NBA lottery pick, and driving a 1968 Cadillac Eldorado with fuzzy dice hanging from the mirror, a racoon tail flying from the antenna, and Li’l Kim’s Greatest Hits blaring from the killer sound system.

Malik Zulu Shabazz and his Goon Commandos were straight from central casting … should we expect less from the dude what owns BUNNY HOLE ENTERTAINMENT?

PLUS … we now have the copy of the original police report from four years ago when Ho #1 stole the taxi cab and tried to run over a Durham police officer before “passing out drunk”.  Remember that “passing out drunk” part … apparently it’s a bit of a habit with “the honor student and mother of two”.

The part about “while feeling him up, she reached into his pockets and stole the keys to his taxi cab.”  I’ve never had a lap dance but I thought a cardinal rule was to attach your keys and wallet to one of those belt chains like they sell at truck stops.

This eye witness report varies somewhat from the original N&O version that had “college student and mother …”merely borrowing the vehicle to deliver Meals on Wheels to the less fortunate in Bahama”.  

Might we compare the credibility of the N&O sympathetic depiction of “the college student …” to John Kerry’s depiction of his Viet Nam experience.  The “truth” is only worth noting if it fits one’s agenda … SHOCKING … ABSOLUTELY SHOCKING!

My pal young BeoWolf and I were imagining those rowdy “rich white boys” sitting around 610 N. Buchanan Boulevard on March 13th and one of’em says … “let’s order a couple of strippers”.   They consult the Derm Yellow Pages under Lord knows what category.  Apparently “Rent-A-Stripper” services are like wrecker services … you want your listing as close to the top of the category as possible.  “AAAA Ho’s Aplenty” gets a lot of calls I’ll bet.

They start picking “a service”.  Allure Escorts is near the top, but they gaze on down the list.  “Bunny Hole Entertainment” … STOP RIGHT THERE … WE HAVE A WINNA!  They take a vote … it’s unanimous … Bunny Hole it is.  With that fateful decision, how many lives were forever changed … how many indeed?

Bunny Hole has a website … as a public service to our readers we offer it for your curiosity … here it be:


WARNING:  It IS Explicit !!! … (duh!)

   As this column draws to a close, I must reveal a special covenant I agreed to when this dee-licious info was placed in my lap by “Hey Boy” as he alighted the dove.  As “the Derm Mess” moves inexorably to its eagerly-awaited conclusion …

I, BobLee Swagger, will NEVER again utter the phrase …

 “It can’t possibly get any ‘better’ than this.”   


 Swagger’s Stumper

 A SSays repeat oldie …

How do you reach Paladin?


   Mikey Nifong “chuckled” in court on Thurs when Seligman’s attorney asked for a bail reduction.  Note to Mikey: Real DAs don’t chuckle Mikey.  He who laughs last Mikey … he who laughs last … … …”

   Sistah McKinney is from Georgia … Sistah Maxine is from California … Sistah Sheila is from Houston, Texas.

   Univ of Ga and Univ of Florida are officially discontinuing the use of the phrase “World’s Larget Cocktail Party” … HOW DARE THEM scream their hardcore loonies. “We have A RIGHT to get drunk and maim and kill ourselves and others … harumph!”

   NBA Playoff games are quite exciting.  As always, just tune in for the last 5 minutes, but those final minutes are GREAT … Spurs and Mavs especially.

   Standing offer … the first SSays reader who can connect Bunny Hole Entertainment to those “two Panther cheerleaders in a toilet stall” wins a copy of BobLee’s book.

   A Wuff Loon wrote BobLee detailing “17 solid reasons” why Sidney Lowe will quickly dominate Roy and Mike.  The foundation for his reasoning was “Karmic payback for y’all killing Jimmy V …”  Whoa boy!

Want to e-mail BobLee?

[email protected]

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