Hansbrough Hottie Update & We Hit 10,000

January17/ 2000

… Thanks largely to The Tyler LoveFest and Meezie’s Bumble de Jour, we set a modern era single column record for Ye Olde Website…. We passed the mythical 10,000 views mark without tapping the brakes or mentioning Andre Brown’s academic progress- REMARKABLE! … Gracias to all 10,000+ of you discerning folks… …. Yes, we have updated info on “THE HANSBROUGH HOTTIE” and we look unsuccessfully for anyone who cares about Barry Bonds.

   We knew we had a lunker bass on the line with that column so the record-breaking commentary was actually not a surprise.  Our view counter started spinning like a dervish in a whirlwind from the get-go.  As the column was predictably linked on several loonie asylums, we just sat back and watched.

It was Kid that remarked … “Gee willikers Dad, wonder what the numbers would be if you HAD mentioned Andre Brown, F-Bomb Alley, or Waffle House?”  Surely Carl Sagan would have been impressed.  That we did set the record without ONE kamikaze F-bomber from WuffLand was pretty astounding.

I’m tempted to bury The Hansbrough Hottie update down in the end-of-column notes, but, what the heck … Life Is Good … let’s celebrate!

First … The Hansbrough Hottie was NOT

  •  Not former Mrs Hansbrough / Miss Missouri
  •  Not one of 12,675 UNC coeds willing to crawl thru broken glass to pre-chew Tyler’s bubblegum for him,
  •  Not Stacy Keibler
  •  Not a Cameron usherette wanting to trade her “JJ 4 Ever” t-shirt for a thimbleful of Tyler’s bathwater.

   Coincidentally, one of the satellite offices of Swagger Global Enterprises is located in Cape Girardeau MO, less than a two hour drive from Tyler Town.  We dispatched an eager intern to Poplar Bluff to “get some answers”.  Cape Girardeau, of course, is itself hometown to a pretty darn earthshaking celebrity and fancy wine connisseur, but we digress.

The Hansbrough Hottie (THH) IS … 

Doctor Hansbrough’s girlfriend and potential Tyler step-mamma.  

Now, of course, we know more than we are telling.  We know Doc’s shoe size, the route he takes to his office every morning, and how high he high jumped to be Big 8 champion during his Mizzou undergrad days … but we are NOT real certain if Doc H has an incredible sense of humor.  

We normally care less if we piss off 99% of the world’s population but even BobLee stops short of anything that might piss off a Hansbrough.  Until we get official permission from Doc H himself, all further Hottie data is on a NTK basis and you don’t NTK right now.  

It’s a pretty safe bet that if THH is in Greensboro this weekend, she WILL be a camera magnet … YA THINK?  I suggest a parlour game in her honor.  As you watch Carolina’s game(s), every time THH is on camera you alternately yell out “HOTTIE HOTTIE HOTTIE” or “DOC H, YOU DA MAN” … and take a bottoms up swig of whatever you are drinking.  If it’s alcoholic, you’ll be pie-eyed potted by halftime.  The trick will be remembering which phrase is due next.

Incidentally, this Indianapolis Colts Cheerleader is NOT THH but is a pretty close replica.  



    With our off-the-chart viewer numbers, we obviously drew a WHOLE bunch of new subscribers … HOW-DEE and SA-LUTE!  Best advice we can give you is to spend a few hours noodling around in the SSays archives.  800 commentaries to choose from.  Grab a handful and chew on’em a while.  The Golden Oldies link on the right has past award winners but it’s out-of-date before it’s posted. 

If you have a reasonably perverted sense of humor, you’ll do fine here.  If you are a goggle-eyed Liberal you better have a REALLY perverted sense of humor and a strong sense of self-worth.  If you are a hardcore message board loonie, you might last 3-4 columns but you’ll unsubscribe before Herb’s guys are bounced from the Dance.  If you are a board loonie AND a Liberal, might as well say adios now and save us the trouble of issuing your SSays membership card and secret decoder ring.


    “Angry Muslim Nut In The SUV” Update … we have it on solid source that poor little Chancellor Meezie is wearing double diapers around South Building this week.  His incontinence is matching his incompetence on this latest crisis on his ill-fated watch.  About all he can come up with is one of his whizbang “silent vigils” where he holds hands with any aberrant lifeform that will touch him, sticks a candle in his ear, and they all hum show tunes in Farsi. 

    How come the Franklin Street crowd is having such a fit coming up with a common noun for “Mohammed The Angry and Soon To Be Sodomized Into Silly Putty Iranian”?  I don’t recall them fretting so about names for Timothy McVeigh ???  … Do any of you? … huh … huh?

   Was this idgit “a terrorist” … he wasn’t smart enuff to be “a terrorist”.  Carlos The Jackel wouldn’t let this pathetic clown lick his sandals.

Smear some apricot flavored lip gloss on “Mad Mo”, stick a big bow on his butt and give him to the boys in Cell Block C as reward for really bad behavior.  Within 36 hours you’ll be able to drive a Kenworth thru every orifice in his body.  Next problem!

When “Fit hits the Shan” in Chapel Hill, as it tends to do about every 90 days, the Pavlovian reaction of those rabid squirrels is soooo predictable.  Just once they could break from tradition to try and imitate 98% of the rest of society.

After the smoke clears from this latest campus embarrassment, I’m betting Meezie’s thoughts of retirement begin to crystallize pretty quickly.  I vote we go ahead and assemble the ubiquitous Diversity Overloaded Search Committee so we can eliminate all the Meezer-types and get down to the Hooker-types before April Fools Day … and the symbolism of that date is fully intentional. 

   Anybody wanna start a Hansbrough Hottie For Chancellor Campaign ???


    Prehaps the purest joy being on this side of the Golden SwaggerSays Keyboard is the astounding spectrum of readers this website attracts.  The Tsunami effect of this past column is a bit of an anomoly but here’s a sampling of readers who contacted us in the past three days (in addition to all the wonderful “special BobLee Buddies” who check in twice a week hell or high water).

Two “Judges” one from NC and one from Maryland … … three MDs of assorted medical specialties … … two retired senior military officers … a former owner of The Rathskellar … … a for-real Che Guevara wannabee (and former political jousting buddy of BobLee’s) the one & only Don Bosco … … a for-real ACC Athletic Director (no, not PTL!) … … and Shorty in Charlotte who read the column on his Blackberry while getting a lap dance in a nudie bar over his lunch break.

We will put the delightfully eclectic eccentricity of our subscribers up against any random sampling of human beings on earth, or neighboring planets.  We draw our own eccentricity from our readers.  Aw shucks … WE LUV YOU GUYS!


    … OK, we tried for a whole column and could think of nothing to say of interest about Barry Bonds or the Enron crooks.  Throw’em in a shake ‘n bake bag along with Mohammed The Angry And Soon To Be Sodomized Into Silly Putty Iranian and send’em all to Cell Block C for “fun and games”.

That this latest Bond Steroid Disclosure drew attention AWAY from the World Baseball Who Cares Classic effects only the same dozen no-life nerds who Tivoed the Winter Olympics. 

MEMO TO BUD SELIG … Yo Bud, if you want anybody to watch Upper Volta play Chad in World Baseball ?? … between innings have Celebrity Curling w/ Stacy Keibler in a pair of Daisy Dukes.


 Greensboro This Weekend … It’s easy to say Roy and His Golden Children cut down the nets, but I’m sensing that won’t happen.  A BC vs Miami finals could be the first ACC Tournament finals to have more people on the court than in the stands.  Even the hot dog vendors will call in sick for that snoozer.  Find a rerun of Clear & Present Danger or rent the Lonesome Dove CD Collection.


 Swagger’s “Current Event” Stumper

  What make of “eeevil SUV” 

was Mohammed TA&STBSISP Iranian driving?


    Poplar Bluff is in the SouthEast Quadrant of Missouri.  “Charlene” on Designing Women was also from there.  Now she is “Crazy Martha” on “24”, married to President Jellyfish Logan and having erotic thoughts about Aaron the Secret Service agent.  EDGAR DIED … RIP … sob, sigh, burp.

    Don’t forget the Hansbrough Hottie Game … I’m calling Parker Brothers right now to secure the board game patent. “HOTTIE HOTTIE HOTTIE … “DOC H, YOU DA MAN”

    If you are not watching Boston Legal … you really really should be.  In his next life, BobLee will be DENNY CRANE!

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