Hair Spray, Lip Gloss and Lies

January17/ 2000

its a bit too soon to expect post-game handshakes between the “players” or their “fans”, but not too early to handout long term suspensions for hypocritical lying and general high crimes against the American public.  .. BobLee explains why he respects his political adversaries and even their most “obnoxious” players; but he rips those no count lying scumbags in the “mainstream media” a new one.  ..Swagger goes “talking head” hunting with a howitzer.  WARNING … this commentary is R-rated!

(NOTE:  This column doesn’t have a darn thing to do with sports.

We’ll get back to that stuff on Saturday, I promise )

   I know all of you are waiting eagerly for the details of BobLee’s Big Election Adventure on Tuesday.  Since I can’t even go to a Waffle House for a bowl of chili without “three columns worth of weird” for dessert you can bet there were some “moments” to rehash.  We’ll cover those moments.

   BobLee is always waggling his finger at most of you about “hating” too much.  “Hating Wuffies, hating Tar Holes, hating Baddour – Amato – Jim Knight – Coach K – Laettner – Dickie V – Caulton Tudor – and the DOT folks screwing up I-40 thru the RTP.  Well even Ye Olde Rogue Journalist can gin up some toxic bile on occasion.  I’ve hated “the mainstream media” for quite some time but those lying, no-count, blow dried hypocrites have really dropped their drawers and mooned America this time.

   Us Right Wing Fanatics are taught to despise Rather and his henchmen from birth; but 80% of you misguided Democs should spit in the CBS eye too … and NBC, ABC, CNN, NYT, WPost, N&O too.  But lets talk about Tuesday first.  (Reread previous column for history on this)

   I was mistaken about not seeing another Repub face all day.  I had “Doris The Diva” covering my back at Chas Bugg Elementary School.  Doris is a local real estate “diva” and committed Conservative commando.  She set aside her two cell phones and MLS listings to help save America on November 2.

   Up front … we had the pleasure of being in “Sadie’s Precinct”.  Sadie has been Chief Judge of the Bugg Elementary precinct for 28 years.  She runs a mighty fine operation.  Sadie, Ms Georgia, and the rest of the crew are fine God-fearing folks I’m proud to call fellow Americans.  Sadie’s registrars kept the Authenticator Lady busy all day verifying addresses and IDs.  No dead folks or made up people came thru Bugg Elem on this day.

   Keen judge of “good people” that I am, I could tell from the get-go that Sadie was locked and loaded.  BobLee and Doris The Diva simply played the role of “those two nice white folks” for 13 hours.  We joked, cajoled, and ohhhed and ahhed at baby pictures while sampling Gladys’ terrific coffee cake.  All the while “The Constipated Evil-Eyed Bitch in the Red Sweater” (CEEBITRW) was firing eye daggers at moi.

   Even Sadie knew the CEEBITRW was “not from around here”.  After 28 years, Sadie knows her neighbors and voters.  She was “a lawyer brought in to agitate and find something to file a suit about”.  Wrong precinct, Bitch!  CEEBITRW locked in on Swagger by 6:45 AM.  From her solitary perch across the room she glared and glared and glared.  All the while BobLee and Doris ate coffee cake and swapped jokes with Sadie and her team.  At around 3:45 the bitch made her move.

   CEEBITRW had a couple of henchmen working out on the sidewalk as “Election Protection” thugs.  Doris spotted them first as they illegally entered the voting area and started prowling around the booths.  As if shot from a cannon, Sadie was on’em had each of’em by an ear and was prepared to twist’em clean off.   They claimed they had been told there were no pens in the booths.  Sadie said they were crazy … Sadie won.

   Friends … there are only 3 Repubs registered in that precinct.  Doris and yours truly were the only Repubs and the only Caucasians within 2 football fields of that room.  We were eating coffee cake … who in the hell was going to steal the freakin’ pens?  CEEBITRW went back and sat down, sulked, and glared at me some more.  Sadie muttered a harsh invective about “folks messin’ with my precinct”.  I had another Krispy Kreme.

   As I watched 1,700 people come thru that voting site, I kept thinking how 98% of’em had been told how George Bush was going to reinstitute slavery, force the NBA out of bizness, and ban fried chicken sales on days ending in “y”.  None of it true but calculated to fool these nice people into voting (D).  Given “a hand and not a hand-out” these good people are and can be excellent citizens.  They may not believe it, but they are better off today than they would have been.

   Around 4:15 I got the paniced emergency call from The Mizzus.  Mizzus Swagger can make Chicken Little seem like Norman Vincent Peale.  While handing out Repub brochures across town, she had heard about THE EXIT POLL RESULTS.  Best I could make out she was perched on a window ledge with a pair of sharp scissors in one hand and a bottle of barbiturates in the other.  “WE ARE DOOMED … KERRY IN A LANDSLIDE!” … Thank you “mainstream media”.  She had already checked on one way flights to Costa Rica or New Zealand and they were filling up fast with fellow Christian Zealots and Right Wing Fanatics.

   I get damn tired of being “calm voice of reason”.  I want to play “out-of-control hysterical guy” but not this time.  I told her to go into “hurricane coming mode” so she headed off to Kroger’s to buy milk, bread, batteries, and a dozen Tombstone pepperoni pizzas.  Problem temporarily solved.

   Well, you all know what happened.  Dan Rather and The Other Media A-Holes had played America for gullible fools one more time.  Lets just count the last month … fake Bush bashing letters … weapons stockpile fable … now Declare Bush Dead Before Even One Poll Has Closed.   Desperate lies by desperate lying scum bag hypocrites.

   The pathetic institution known as “the traditional mainstream media” has been on life support for a few years.  As “alternative media sources” have grown readers and viewers, the major network and newspapers have seen profits, readers, viewers, and advertisers shrivel faster than a “salted slug”.  A perfect analogy.

   Before you Demos go into your “whatabout Limbaugh” routine let me tell you “What About Limbaugh!”  Rush Limbaugh, Sean Hannity, Neal Boortz, James Carville, Susan “Wide-mouthed Frog” Estrich, Ann Coulter, Bob Bechel, Begala, Woody Durham, Mick Mixson, Bob Harris, Gary Hahn, etc are “homers”.  They tell you upfront that they are partisan spokesmen for their cause and/or employers.  They use humor and histrionics to deliver their message to their audiences.  They do not hide behind hypocrisy and a faux intellectual elitism.  You love’em or hate’em depending on your side of the aisle or playing field but you know where they are coming from.

   Half of the media “homers” I note above are “against my side” but I respect every last one of’em for their upfront “honesty”.  I would kiss James Carville on the mouth (he’s purtier than Susan Estrich!) before I’d walk across the street to pee on a burning Rather, Jennings, Brokaw, Couric, Woodruff, Dowd, King,  Sawyer, etc … blow dried, lip glossed lying hypocrites … EVERY ONE OF’EM!


Blatant partisanship is quite acceptable … blatant hypocrisy is not.

   Hey Tree Huggers, you want to save wood?  Shut down the worthless lying fishwrapping crap called “large metropolitan newspapers”.  We can line our birdcages and litter boxes with shreds from Dan and Petah’s trenchcoats.

   This election cycle was the nadir for these pompous clowns.  The Last Round-up for them having any significance at all … and they went down appropriately Lying and Crying.  The Era of The Anchorman is Over … long live The Age of Blogging.  

   The moral fabric of America was under assault on November 2nd.  It was snagged and soiled and stretched … but it held!  This election was never about “the economy” or “the deficit” or “malapropisms” or “Halliburton”.  It really was not even about “the terrorists”.  It was about what has made The United States of America THE GREATEST NATION in history.  It was whether America actually is “One Nation Under God With Liberty and Justice For All”.  Guess what, IT STILL IS!  Thank you Ohio!

   The 48% of you who voted for Kerry … guess what … YOU WON TOO.  The LOSERS were (1) the faux intellectual elitists who hijacked your political party and, (2) fronted by the aforementioned lying media scumbags and (3) the moronic Hollywood Left.  Please don’t tell me any of you bought that jackass Micheal Moore’s garbage.  Burn it and I’ll send you a betamax of Ishtar.

   I’m not telling you to listen to Rush or FoxNews (but that Juliette Huddy and those Fox foxes … vavavavoom!) but for heaven’s sake stop being such mind numbed robots to those jackasses at “the networks”.  They played you for gullible fools and “almost” won.   

   … and for those who are worried about us “Christian” zealots … not a problem, depending upon our respective ages, in another 30 or so years we “Holy Rollers” will go our separate ways for Eternity.  Us to Heaven and the rest of you to the depths of Hell where Dan Rather reads the news and perky Katie Couric tosses softballs to Hillary.

   No … I’m NOT turning this site into a political rant-athon.  Just every once in a while to keep everyone stirred up.  “Stirred up” can be a good thing.  



Swagger’s Stumper

According to J. F. Cooper … 

Who were Chinachgook & Uncas?


Apparently Johnny Horton is even more popular around here than The Everly Brothers.  “they grabbed an alligator and fought another round …”

The last few columns must be posted as a link somewhere … 1,000s of extra views coming from who knows where … Welcome, whoever you are.  Sign up as a Swagger Buddy and get’em hot via e-mail.  It’s Free!

Last Chance For Dickie … Meezie has given The Dickster One Test to save his job.  This “Kenan night game Mojo” is serious.   Dickie can stay if he can arrange a full solar eclipse from noon until 3 PM this Saturday. … plus replace those goalposts, of course.

Mizzus has settled down fine … Kid spent the day w/ her at the polls …   Speaking of Hillary … Hilly & Obama in ’08 … anyone looking for day labor?  We got an ex-ambulance chasing Senator/VP candidate here in Raleigh.  His qualifications are “pretty boy w/ nice hair” and some canned speech about “Two Americas” …

… say goodnight Gracie!

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