Farm Boys vs Frat Boys

January17/ 2000

Farm Boys vs Frat Boys …. dungarees vs khakis …. Deano vs Jimmy V …. Amedeo’s vs The Rat …. Franklin vs Hillsborough …. 1982 vs 1983 …. Red vs Blue …. Law vs Engineering …. Mario vs Julius …. Blue Bloods vs Red Necks …. Fairgrounds vs Pine Trees …. Brickyard vs Old Well …. DT vs MJ …. Homosexuality vs Beastiality …. Arrogance vs Paranoia …. Weejuns vs Red Wings …. Case vs McGuire …. And when its all said and done, whatcha got?

   It’s “Big Game against our Rival” Week and that’s what college sports should be all about … and still is for many of us.  The outcome of Saturday night’s “Big Game” will, of course, go down in the annals of recorded history along with “the first sneeze” and “who invented the shoe lace” … but don’t tell Wolfpackers and Tar Heels until it’s over.  OK, it’s really NOT a Big Rival game for either school because …

(1)     Carolina’s “Main Rival” is a fluctuating issue based primarily on whomever UNC is currently enjoying dominance over.  It USED to be either Duke, UVa, or “Moo U” but is currently tied between William & Mary or East Carolina.  NEVER claim a rivalry with whoever is spanking your butt with any regularity … leaving, albeit, a very short list at the moment.

(2)     NC State’s current “Era of Dominance” over UNC (that’s a two year “era” and counting for those of you in Pittsboro) has sent it looking for more worthy “Big Rivals”.  Current choices are FSU, Maryland, North Korea, The Steel Curtain Steelers of the 70s, and Richmond County.

   The above infallible reasonings notwithstanding, I still prefer to enjoy the concept of “the rivalry” because it is so simple to contrast.  On color alone it qualifies.  Duke blue and Carolina blue and even UVa blue are “shades of difference”.  Red and Blue is “contrast”.

   Liberal Arts vs Land Grant is oh so stereotypical.  My standing challenge is to drop me anywhere within Division 1-A and I can tell you the prevailing insults between respective fan bases of Liberal Arts and Land Grant institutions.  “How many (____) does it take to change a light bulb?” … “How can you tell if a (____) coed is “easy” or not?” … “A rabbi, a priest, and a (____) fan were adrift in a lifeboat …”.  There are five basic joke gendres in this rivalry war, everything else is a variation on those basic themes.  The last original insult between either fan base was uttered at Woodrow Wilson’s inauguration ball.

    EVERY incoming UNC freshman is “pre-law” or “pre-med” … EVERY ONE.  EVERY incoming NCSU freshman is a budding Engineer or Architect … EVERY ONE.  The %s drop by 90% in both cases by 2nd semester of the sophomore year in favor of “graduating with a degree in something”.

    Is it more of a challenge to conceptualize, design and build a skyscraper or a mainframe OR to write an ironclad contractural agreement covering every contingency between two parties each looking to screw the other?  

   What contributed more to mankind … the agri-scientist who eradicated the boll weevil OR Thomas Wolfe’s Look Homeward Angel?  

   Who would you rather your daughter bring home to “meet my parents” … Chris Washburn or Nakhtar Ndjiae?

   Liberal Arts schools are characterized by “deep thinkers” who extol the virtue of navel contemplating as originally outlined by Leon Trotsky.  Land Grant schools require each student, male or female, to carry a Skoal can in their back pocket and be able to parallel park a tractor.

    Is an MD curing a 6 year old of whooping cough MORE NOBLE than a DVM delivering a breech birth calf?

   Any debate of comparative relevance/irrelevance between UNC and NCSU partisans is the equivalent of two 5 y/o boys standing on a tree stump having a pissing contest.  The rest of Western Civilization waits breathlessly for the results of these ongoing urination duels … NOT!

   Saturday’s game has the potential to cover the spectrum.  UNC is not as Gawdawful as its two routs by UVa and Louisville.  NCSU is 2-3 plays from being 1-3 rather than 3-1.  

   A quick review of recent history … UNC’s 17-9 W in 2001 was in doubt until the last 2 minutes.  NCSU’s impressive victory differentials in both 2002 and 2003 are both contrasted by the halftime scores in both cases.  Key plays early in the 3rd quarters decided each Pack victory.

   On “paper” the Pack wins this game 28–10 based on a suffocating defense and a still evolving offense.  UNC’s “secret weapon” if they have one, is that this is DEFINITELY John Bunting’s 11th hour appeal from the Governor.  He is “a dead coach walking” with good ol’ Rita From Chester operating a candlelight vigil outside the Kenan Football Center.  “Gipper speeches” … “Rudy” … “grab on to the rope” … a Bill Dooley pre-game speech … Dawn Bunting challenging each players’ manhood …. Clueless Moe playing Nebraska’s fight song on a harmonica …. The Dickster cutting off his own thumb with a hawkbill knife to prove he is a tough Little Prince.  

   Yo, Coach Tranquil, do you have any trick plays other than that muddle huddle fake punt?  If so, DON’T SAVE’EM FOR THE UTAH GAME!

   Regardless of the outcome of the actual game … we can all be assured of the following:

   A Wuffie Win regardless of the on-field dominance will NOT humble the average Carolina fan one iota; or increase his respect for “those no-count redneck son-of-a-bitches”. The only increase will be his unmitigated rage toward a certain little white-haired Director of Athletics.

   A Wuffie Win regardless of the on-field dominance will NOT diminish the average Wolfpacker’s paranoia that he and his school will NEVER receive the respect it deserves.  The vivid memory of Dudley Bradley stealing the ball from Clyde Austin will not dim one iota.

Memo To Chuck Amato … Chuck, IF you do dominate the game, and your team simply goes about its “business” in a first class fashion without the thuggery and “Greg Golden esque taunting crap” … it might even improve the image of your program and of your school.  Just a thought, Chuck! 

   GUARANTEE:  I’m going to pre-game tailgate with a series of UNC and NCSU good friends and aquainti.  I am going to “grab my left one and squeeze” for John Bunting to get that “stay of execution” call.  The two most important people in my life … The Mizzus and Kid … don’t even know “who does Carolina play this week?” Bless their hearts!         


Swagger’s Stumper

Characters’ Last Names & Actors please …

Festus (___?___)  played by ____ .

Chester (___?___) played by ____ .

Kitty (___?___) played by ____ .


Lydia’s Picks

   What a difference a week can make!  I told you that the fans in WVA were tearing down goal posts too early.  What’s with the TX running backs? Cedric Benson says he’d rather win the Heisman than beat OU.  Are the two mutually exclusive? The last TX RB to win, Ricky Williams, quits the NFL to engage in recreational drug use and then changes his mind. I think that may be one of the symptoms – he has no mind. 

Pop Quiz for the day: What stellar academic school that currently boasts the highest graduation rate is in the top 10?  Move to the head of the class if you said Cal…Sure puts an end to those whiners who complain about high academic standards preventing them from being competitive.  

OU V. TX  — Can’t you just imagine the Sooners saying, “Hey, we’ve been a national contender for 4 years – and this is the first time we’ve met”.   Sound familiar?  I’m picking the Longhorns, as this is a do or die situation and everyone remembers those stubborn Texans at the Alamo. If not, they’ll be plenty of UT fans with signs saying “help Mac pack”.  The problem is…. who would you replace him with? Red River Shootout provides lots of fireworks but Benson gets both his wishes. Sooners go off track on road to Miami.

LSU V. FL – Gators sharpened their teeth against Vols. and are hungry for Tigers who played like pussycats against GA. LSU looking for revenge in the swamp, which is not that unfamiliar to them..  Rebirth of “Fun-n-Gun” offense has Florida fans thinking of the Glory Days. And, as the ESPN radio commercial says “My head’s with FL, but my heart’s with LSU”.

FSU V. Syracuse – Well, for goodness sakes, of course we knew you’d love “Wyatt-not Sexton”. Only problem now…. who will be his back up?  Bobby might be playing puppies this year and this will be a good place for them to get some practice.   Noles coming into their own as they face the Orangemen – let’s just hope that no one gets stabbed after the game.  (And you thought the violence just took place on the field?) 

UNC V. NC State – Intrastate rivalry could send fans of both teams over the proverbial edge.  NC State won a squeaker last week and UNC fans just glad they scored. The Wuffies go to Kenan Stadium to show just how far they have surpassed their big brother rival. A wolfpack victory is a must for Amato – but will someone please give him a new pair of shoes!  Oh, mercy, mercy me….things ain’t what they used to be?  

VA V. Clemson – Cavalier Coach Groh says that UVA is a place you want to belong to forever.  Especially when they are winning!  Coach Groh has done an excellent job and has even instructed the students to wear the same color shirts, as this is more likely to give the team more of a homefield advantage.  Wait?  You had to tell students at UVA this? They even have a new band.  Clemson fans can’t believe they are reliving last yea – a bad case of déjà vu.

USC. V CAL — Will this be the upset special again?  Not on your life. Trojans get revenge for last season’s loss; Leinhart gains points in Heisman race, and fans pack for Miami.  CAL plummets in standings, but refuses to increase number of “special admits”. 


   Did everyone survive the “no Tuesday column” reality?  I have been a one armed paperhanger in a tornado this week and just didn’t have the time.  Two nights in a row I was driving the SwaggerMobile down I-20 across South Carolina at 2:00 AM … too long a story, don’t ask!

   David Limbaugh and BL Swagger did indeed “lay it on’em” at The UNC Law School on Monday.  Great crowd – 300+ … We ventured into the belly of the liberal beast and not only survived … we prospered.

   Bandit and Cletus went after “a truckload of Coors” for Big & Little Enos.

   FOLKS!!! … I keep catching grief for Lydia’s Picks.  I AM NOT LYDIA!  I do not have spikey blond hair, the hots for Nick Saban, or a secret family recipe for jambalaya.  Yes, Virginia, There Is A Lydia!

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