Ersky vs The UNC We-bees

January17/ 2000

… BobLee said it from BEFORE Day One that  Erskine “Skippa’s Boy” Bowles would be a fine choice as UNC System Grand Poobah. … Swagger appears “right on” in his faith in the bespectacled two-time Senatorial silver medalist. … Like Ryne Duren throwing wild heat to keep’em from digging in at the plate, Ersky has declared his own “jihad” against the campus “We-bees”.  This has the possibility of being “a lotta fun to watch”. … and some other “sports stuff” too.

    Some of my hardline right-wing pals won’t ever cut “Clinton’s water boy” any slack but I personally take long daily drinks of the milk of human kindness.  I had Erskine Bowles at the top and bottom of my very short list of candidates to replace Molly The Broad as President of The Consolidated University of North Carolina,  I say top and bottom because he was the ONLY appropriate candidate in my opinion.

    I’ve never met the man but I have various and sundry associates who have and their reports convinced me that Ersky was ideally qualified to try his manicured hand at untying the Gordian Knot known as “the UNC system”.

This is the same system that slapdab wore out a tough boardroom combatant in C.D. Spangler.  After nine years of dealing with their academic rhetoric and bloviating buffoonery, C.D. finally acknowledged “these sumbitches are nutz” and went back to counting the gold bullion in his Charlotte vault.  He was followed by Molly The Broad from California who in her tenure never once poured peanuts in a 6 oz Coca Cola bottle or watched the sunrise from a duck blind on Mattamuskeet.  We understand that Molly DID attend a number of “symposiums” however.  Good for you Molly.  And now we are paying Molly HOW MUCH for how much longer to do WHAT?

The only difference between the UNC System and King Augeas’ Stables is that the manure that Hercules had to shovel was bio-degradable.  I’m not sure if Ersky fully understood the task he accepted.  Getting a photo op w/ Ol’ Roy requires that you actually accomplish something Ersky.  Ol’ Roy ain’t impressed unless he “sees sweat”.

Do you all understand the concept of “We-bees”?  “We-bees” are the tenured civil servants who infestate every bureaucracy.  A new executive appointee comes in all full of piss and vinegar vowing to “clean up the system yadda yadda”.  The We-bees” just smirk because “We’ll still be here when you be gone” and history says they be correct.  We-bees are the cockroaches in every governmental kitchen.  Turn on the light in your kitchen or walk into a “break room” in any “agency” and it’s the identical scenario.  Unmotivated, poorly trained, unproductive and over-paid slackards whining and grossing that they should get the ENTIRE Black History Month off with full pay.  Watch the new NBC comedy “The Office” … it’s a documentary.

Ersky says our state’s public education system is in dire need of qualified teachers and our universities are not providing them … DUH!  No, maybe not, but they are producing lots of telemarketers for discount mortgage boilerrooms and untold numbers of African-American Leisure Communicators and a whole bunch of Outraged Trans-Bi-Lesbo-Homo Activists.

Want to make a dent in the public education mess?  Go into EVERY School Administration Building in the state.  Line up all the employees from the Superintendent to the janitor.  Have’em count off by 3s.  Fire all the 2s.  Give their salaries to the classroom teachers whose students can pass basic literacy tests after 9 months under their instruction.  Go back the next year and line up the administration staff again … count off again … fire all the 3s this time.  They’re not stupid, no one will say “2” after what you did the year before.  Administrators breed faster than rabbits … gotta keep culling their herd.

Over-the-top curmudgeons like BobLee (and my buddy Jon The Knight Of The Right) keep reminding you’ans how totally screwed up our university campuses are and you think we just cherry pick the most absurd examples to make our points … Nope, we just shake any old tree on any old campus and the nuts and squirrels just fall out.  Been getting worser and worser and worser.  But all anybody cares about is “whether Tyler will go pro”.  Geee, I wonder how the flatulant squirrels managed to get so entrenched?

Ersky did a pretty darn good Buford Pusser impression in his latest “here I come ready or not” warning to the entrenched squirrels.  It remains to be seen if Ersky will really swing his ax handle and haul out the deadwood.  Just “I’m a gonna …” is more than Molly The Broad from California ever did.  Molly and Nan Keohane and Foxy MaryAnn did have tea a lot and discussed the latest Oprah book selection.

Suggestion to Ersky … NOTHING says “I mean it” quite like a public lynching of a few dozen beady-eyed constipated faculty squirrels.  Invite the area info-babes in their satellite trucks over to UNC’s Carroll Hall and string up some squirrels leaving’em to twist in the breeze.  Hang’em inside the “drip line”. Their decomposing carcusses will serve as good motivation for their temporarily spared comrades.  It worked for Vlad The Impaler in Transylvania.

Ersky, you are dealing with two constituencies here.  

  1.  The entrenched tenured faculty squirrels
  2.  The citizens of North Carolina

The two groups share pretty much nothing in common except, well … nothing.  If you are going to be popular with one, you will be very unpopular with the other.  You decide.  But I guarantee you no faculty squirrel will be inviting you to go duck hunting at Mattamuskeet.  I CAN arrange that … give me a call.


 Swagger’s Stumper

Lake Mattamuskeet is located in what NC County?

Dare ?? … Hyde ?? … Northampton ??

… no fair asking Molly The Broad (like she’d have a clue!)


    Curt Gowdy just died.  I kinda feel responsible.  Back in 1972 I wished ill will on the Cowboy At The Mike.  Bob McAdoo’s Tar Heels got their butts whupped by Florida State and “Little Otto Petty The Waterbug” in the NCAA semis.  I did not like Curt chortling as “Little Otto” ran circles around the Heels.  I didn’t mean he should die.


    When do the Winter Olympics start?  Dancing, Skating, and Thumb Wrestling With The Celebrity Stars is beating the crap out of NBC’s Olympic ratings.  Which proves that Stacy Keibler and “whatshername that played Buffy” matter more to Joe In Kokomo than Lars and Svetlana getting “big air” in the half-pipe.

    Watching the Giant Colossal Mega Ski Jump on TV is like watching Tiger hit a drive on TV.  He swings and you watch the ball in the sky until it lands … and you are supposed to go “WOW”.  There is no sense of perspective of height and distance.  I think they should plant Bryant Gumbel in the landing zone.  You get extra points if you hit that pompous jackass right between his eyes.

    I have lots of ideas to perk up Olympic telecasts … but nobody asks me.


    Missouri Mess Update … President Elson Floyd is now running around with a seltzer bottle spraying everybody he can find.  There but for the Grace of Almighty God could have been Meezie, Dickie, and Molly The Broad From California.


   “They” held a sit-in at the Daily Tar Heel office this week over the DTH publishing a Muslim cartoon.  A “sit-in” YEE HAA … how delightfully “retro-60s”…. break out the Joan Baez 8-tracks and tie-dyed t-shirts.  Get all that self righteous indignant rage outta your system kiddies.  The real world doesn’t give a rat’s patoot about who/what you feel sorry for.  I dare you to wear an “I Protest ____” t-shirt to your first real job interview … I DARE YOU!


   This one has “gets sent who-knows-where” written all over it. Better get ready for “incoming” …

Want to e-mail BobLee … fire away

[email protected]

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