Does Chuck Cheat?

January17/ 2000

 It’s “Sweeps Week” for websites. BobLee shamelessly delivers a ratings-hyping Blockbuster.  Does the Head Coach of the Wolfpack operate outside the imposed limits of the NCAA Recruiting handbook?  Does Chuck cheat?  ABSOLUTELY says every Tar Heel … ABSOLUTELY NOT says every Wuffie.  There you go … question answered!  …. Swagger decides to explore further.  …. And Lydia’s Picks.  

   The FACTS about Chuck Amato?  … and these FACTS seen through partisan eyes …

  • Chuck has been an avid weightlifter all his adult life.

        He is a manly man 

        He looks silly and needs a brassiere

  • Chuck’s voice is a high pitched squeaky Joe Pesci sound alike

        His voice is distinctive, unique and sweet music to Lupine ears

        His voice sounds stupid

  • He was an assistant at Florida State for 18 years and his specialty was recruiting student-athletes from the talent-rich South Florida area. 

        He has an incredible legacy and may be THE best recruiter EVER.

        He was part of a rogue program and recruits thugs and hoodlums 

          albeit very fast and  athletic thugs and hoodlums

  • He is of Italian descent and “quippy” … not Jimmy V quippy … but “quippy” .

        He is colorful, relates to our fans, and is entertaining

         He probably has mafia connections and is a classless jackass who 

           looks silly, talks stupid and needs a brassiere.

  • His 4+ years as NCSU HFC have seen a significant upsurge in fan enthusiasm fed by his intense personality. He is 3-1 vs UNC.

        He is a perfect fit for NCSU and will lead the Wolfpack to the top 

          of BCS Mountain

        He is a crook, he cheats … those gullible rednecks at Moo U will fall 

          for anything … plus he looks silly … etc etc etc.

 Related FACTS …

  • 2000 was a year of turmoil and unrest in Triangle area college football.  Chuck was an immediate shot-in-the-arm for NCSU fans with his personality and his legacy of success at FSU.  Meanwhile UNC languished in Torbush Turmoil
  • The 2000 NCSU-UNC game was won by the Wolfpack. Following that victory, NCSU players either “held a prayer meeting in the center of the field” or “defiled the sacred logo of UNC” … interpretation of their actions is “divided along partisan lines”. (NOTE: I was there … IF it was a prayer meeting it was Pentacostal as they were quite “spirited”)
  • Following the 2001 season, a highly touted recruit,  A.J. Davis, who had publicly stated he would sign with UNC, decided at the 11:59:59 mark to sign with NCSU. …  “major defecation hit the fan” and sports life in the Triangle hasn’t been at all civil since.
  • Since “it hit the fan” UNC has had back-back disappointing seasons, including 2 straight losses to NCSU.  NCSU has, subsequently had two very good, but not “great” seasons.  Wolfpack fans expectations are characteristically as inflated as a Snoopy balloon in Macy’s Thanksgiving Parade … and speaking of “a parade”.
  • Following a noteworthy ending to NCSU’s 2002 season, The City of Raleigh, and “the  damn N&O” recognized the achievements of their hometown institution with a civic celebration.  Interpretation of that celebration are (TA DAA) “divided along partisan lines”.

   Basic Premises “Divided Along Partisan Lines”

   Chuck was sent to NCSU by a sympathetic god who finally tired of seeing NC State Athletics unfairly discriminated against by agents of those evil liberal homosexuals in Chapel Hill.  He will erase decades of media bias and abuse.  He is our Saviour and can do no wrong … and, even if he does, we don’t care. This is WAR.

   Chuck HAS to be cheating because otherwise he could never defeat “Carolina”.  No decent boys would ever want to go “over there”.  They do not even have “a Well”, they have a fraternity called The Farm House and their stadium is at a fairgrounds where people get killed.  We are “the sleeping giant”, not them.  Chuck talks funny, he looks funny, and he got Mario and DeMario … what more proof do we need?  Hang him!

   The difference between being “Clever” or being “Crooked” is whether we are talking about “my guy” or “your guy”.


Just Suppose

   Someone came forward with a documented photograph, taken by Mother Theresa, of Chuck Amato peeling out dead presidents to a street agent and Willie Williams’ parole officer in the parking lot of Hialeah Race Track.  Attach Chuck’s DNA, his fingerprints, his own sworn statement that its him doing the dirty deed, and Mother Amato’s testimony that her son, Chuckie, is a shameful scumbag and she is disowning him … 

99.9% of WuffNation will swear that

  1. Claude Sitton, Peter Golenbach and “The UNC J-School” are behind the whole thing. 
  2. Mrs. Amato is really Woody Durham’s old history teacher at Albemarle High School. 
  3. The street agent is a Franklin Street gay homeless guy.

On the other hand …

   Learn that Chuck tithes 95% of his salary to an orphanage in Pittsboro for the children of UNC faculty squirrels whose heads exploded listening to Zell Miller … Chuck prefers Lasagna at The Rat over Amedeo’s … he is building a mini-Old Well in his backyard like Swampy’s … and Clueless Moe is giving Chuck organ lessons every Thursday. … IT WON’T MATTER …

99.9% of Tar Heelia will still be convinced that

NCAA Death Squad Goons will NEVER investigate Chuck BECAUSE

  1. Amato’s mafia contacts will kill them (Fruitcake Freddie’s theory) … or 
  2. The NCAA is insanely jealous against Carolina because Thomas Wolfe and Dan Cortese went to school in Chapel Hill.

   No subject sends Wuffies & Heels down respective rabbit holes into their own Fantasy Lands faster than a good “Chuck story”.   Every goggle-eyed lunatic in Tar Heelia has a sordid “true” tale of Amato shenanigans from “someone who actually saw it/ heard it/ read it/ lived it …” but somehow it never gets any further than a message board or a bar stool.  That should tell you something.

   Amato recruited Terry Hunter and Puff Thomas VERY aggressively.  Both Hunter and Thomas rejected his ardent wooing and signed with Carolina.  “Show us the money Terry and Puff … the ho’s, the SUVs, the girl friend’s bling bling, mamma’s cushy job!”  Are we to believe there is some Omerta “code of silence” among Billy Blue Chips?  Terry and Puff could make no more valuable contribution to UNC’s sports future right now than to bring down Amato’s House of Crooked Cards … if it indeed exists.  Quiet … let’s listen … Nope, don’t hear a sound!

   Chuck Amato has been “aggressively recruiting South Florida” for over 20 years with nary a slap on his wrist … certainly no NCAA violations.  Either Chuck is VERY clever … his competitors are dolts … OR … he maneuvers through the NCAA recruiting rules like Michael Shumacher at LeMans.

   IF he is dirtier than Pete Maravich’s sweat socks WHY HASN’T HE BEEN CAUGHT over the past 20 FREAKIN’ YEARS?  Are we to believe that some Pulitzer-chasing ink-stained wretch is compiling a dossier on Amato and planning to spill it at halftime of the Wolfpack vs Oklahoma BCS Championship Game in January.  Is Kitty Kelley working on a hatchet “biography”?  … PULEEEZE!

   If you have DOCUMENTED proof that Chuck Amato violates NCAA recruiting rules … then make five copies of your evidence.  Send one copy to John Swofford … send one copy to David Berst at the NCAA in Indianapolis … send one copy to Caulton Tudor at the N&O … send one copy to David Glenn at 850AM … and send me a copy.  We will nail his quippy. big chested, squeaky voiced, Italian butt to the wall … slap a death penalty padlock on The Murphy Center … and have “a parade” down Franklin Street to celebrate.   

 BUT … 

If all you have is wishful hearsay then

S.U.& L.P.Fb

(Shut Up & Lets Play Football)

   If Amato continues to beat the Tar Heels year after year, some wuzzles on “The Tar Pit” will have cardiac arrest and explode in utter frustration over why the NCAA doesn’t DO SOMETHING.  (It’s that Dan Cortese envy factor I’m telling you).

   Meanwhile Chuck Amato and Doc Holliday still know where to find the best cheeseburgers near Killian High School.  

   “Honest recruiters” in Big Time College Football are as rare as virgins on the Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders.  The “virgins” never survive the first tryouts … the “honest recruiters” quit coaching and lead FCA Huddle groups.  College recruiting is a “sausage factory” you do not want to visit.




Lydia’s Picks

91,800 Tiger fans witnessed a 47-minute mini-hurricane last Saturday – and allowed the Voodoo Queen from “New Orleenz” to sprinkle a little extra gris-gris on her team. OSU kicker Serna (bless his heart) misfired three times and was made honorary Tiger captain for this week’s game. Loudest cheer (until the last minute) was for a “Shaq Sighting”. 

UNC V. UVA – The Tar Heels definitely have an offense again … unfortunately so do their opponents AGAIN.  “Visor Boy Vultures” hover as Heels visit very unfriendly confines of Scott Stadium.  Al Groh, and Mr. Jefferson’s lawn-livers aren’t too “cavalier” about this game, as they need this ACC victory for momentum.  Cavs by 10+.

Clemson V. Ga Tech – Clemson won a close one last week (and yes, I am the pot calling the kettle black) and try though they might, the events of this week will prove too difficult to overcome. The Yellow Jackets and WR Curry put the sting on the Tigers and eke out an ACC victory on the road. 

Notre Dame V. Michigan – Irish eyes are definitely not smiling after being upset by the Mormons! Crisis in the Catholic Church continues and Ty may be made a sacrificial lamb. The Wolverines will eat “Irish stew” in South Bend as the West Coast no-fense falters and the Inquisition begins. A Big Blue Blowout will turn “the echoes” into nasty boos.

Miami V. FSU – Hurricanes have wreaked havoc the length of FL but have nothing left when Rix and Noles come to Miami for a “Friday night” special. Rix will not lose to rival school 5 times and edge goes to FSU who play their hearts out for Coach Bowden.

LSU V. Arkansas State – Sophomore WR Dwayne Bowe (no relation to David Bowie) had a “Clayton-like” game and saved the “W” for the Tigers. Randall and Russell look to scalp the Indians as QB controversy continues…Saban says, “If we’ve got to have a starter, a middle reliever, and bring back the other as a closer, this ain’t baseball.” Door to the SEC championship is wide open. No invitation required.

GA V. USC – How many lives does Lou Holtz have?  USC looked terrific (yes, I know it was Vandy) last week and are looking for the upset this week. Georgia RB “Ware are you, Danny Boy” and QB Greene stuff the Gamecocks in a thriller.  SoCarol part of “Spurrier-Watch” short list.

Auburn V. MS. State – Sly Croom elected mayor of Starkville after last week’s win against Tulane, but face a tuned-up Cadillac and the Auburn Tigers this week. Tuberville proves he’s worth the firing of the President and the AD and wins big. Sly returns to “coaching-only” duties and team will rebound.

Texas V. ARK – The 35th Anniversary of the President Nixon Shootout takes place this Saturday (This was not a consolation prize).  TX looking for revenge after last year’s loss that knocked them out of the national title race. Fayetteville fans are ready and willing and Razorback Matt “Indiana” Jones does his best to find the Holy Grail but defense can’t handle Longhorn offense.

Fact or Fiction:

The FSU Media Guide has a pronunciation key for names of team players.  WHY would any Mamma name her son Craphonso – Why?

Since Mike Stoops took the Arizona job, OU is 1-2 and has surrendered 80 points.

Miami (OH) and Boise State have the longest winning streaks in the country.

Marilyn Braswell has filed a federal civil rights suit against the Univ of Georgia for being fired as “cheerleader coach”.   Her friends staged a protest on campus before last Saturday’s game.


Swagger’s Stumper

If Wayne & Garth hung out at Mikita’s … 

and if Richie & Potsie hung out at Arnold’s …

Where did Laverne DiFazio, Shirley Fenney & Big Ragu hang out?


Paul Kersey was an architect prior to becoming cinema’s ultimate modern day vigilante in Death Wish.  It was Charles Bronson’s consummate role.


    Raleigh sports talk radio station WRBZ (850TheBuzz) was recently purchased by media mogul Don Curtis for $8,700,000.  In truth, Don (an avid Tar Heel BTW) paid $8,500,000 for David Glenn … another $250 for part time producer extraordinaire Ken Cleary … and $199,750 for the outtakes from Amy The Buzz Babe’s photo shoot.  BobLee did not have a pic of David Glenn in a bumpy t-shirt… this picture of Amy will have to do.

   This column is liable to get some pass-arounds … ya think!  All the Dan Cortese fans for sure.

   Comments & Questions

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