Deathwatch #5 or 6 or 7?

January17/ 2000

  Red Sox fans do something for the first time in 86 years, while Tar Heel fans are gathering at water coolers and keyboards for their well rehearsed “Deathwatch” ritual.  Since October 9, 1997 “the day the laughter died on Franklin Street”, Carolina fans have celebrated like 5, 6, 7 of these Druid-like scenarios.  The official anacronism is AHPADPZ or Another High Profile Athletic Department Personality Zapped.  Center stage for this one is UNC’s favorite HisFault – Prince Tassel Loafer hisownself.

   Richard “Dickie” Baddour long ago morphed from a real flesh and loafered person into some troll-like embodiment of all things incompetent, hapless, and bureaucratic.  I truly believe the soul of the man left the body following The 2001 Peach Bowl and is living peacefully on Bald Head Island.  Dickie’s Essence combs the beaches each day collecting driftwood that looks like every UNC Chancellor since Reconstruction.  He celebrated the finding of his “Carlyle Sitterson” on September 23. He is at peace far removed from the durm and strang of Carolina Cannibalism.

   But back on the UNC campus, the cardboard cut-out he left behind is apparently being targeted for the MUCH anticipated “reassignment”.  If further proof were needed that “’tis nigh” it came on Wednesday … the dreaded Kirschy Denial.

   When a new pope is selected, they release colored smoke from The Vatican.  When a UNC Athletic Director and/or Coach is about to be “reassigned” SID Steve Kirschner denies it.  Kirschy ‘s Denial” came Wednesday which means “hats & horns” for the mobs of goggle eyed zealots across Tar Heelia.

   It’s a well rehearsed Rube Goldberg-esque scenario.  The Kirschy Denial is the signal for the various message board operators to add more memory and switch over to their heavy duty servers.  Board traffic mushrooms like a hurricane evacuation alert at Hatteras … everyone trying to get to the same place at the same time via the same road.  It’s Deathwatch For Dickie!

   After all the pratfalls, dead cellphones, pissed off posses, and pilfered victory bells over the past seven years, did it all come down to a freshman running back from Mississippi State scoring a late TD against Florida?  Some would say so.  Did Florida’s loss lead to Zook’s execution lead to “whatchasay Visor Boy” lead to “get Dickie out NOW so we can go hire a new coach before all the good ones are taken”?

   Sifting through the mountainous heap of speculation … the form and void to Deathwatch For Dickie seems to be this.  Chancellor Meezie was enjoying his morning AlphaBits on Monday when the little oat letters suddenly formed a message:


   OK, Meezie has a very big bowl of AlphaBits.  This is the way it’s supposedly coming down folks.  I’m just your humble rogue journalist. 

   Following the customary 3-5 days waiting period after the initial Kirschy Denial, they will shine up the water pitchers in The Skippa Bowles Hire Fire & Reassign Room and summon the salivating speculators and gun jumping journalists.

   “Rumor has it” The Dickster will be put in charge of a Jocks Can Be People Too leadership development whatchamacallit.  We think this is probably a very good idea and that the little fellow will do a fine little job with it.  Meezie will laud, applaud and no doubt bestow a plaque or two on the “being reassigned one”.  Then, according to the AlphaBits, we will all met Chris Kupec’s little brother Matt.

   Matt Kupec is UNC’s Director of Development which means he herds Fat Cats into the shearing rooms where he extracts endowments, trust funds, wills, checks, cash, stamp collections, and fee simple deeds to acreage on the Inland Waterway.  In exchange for the above he lets you name a chemistry lab after your mamma or have your granddaughter’s wedding on that sundial in front of the Planetarium.  Matt also had a very high pass completion % as a Tar Heel QB 25 years ago.

   That last note on Brother Kupec’s CV means he has actually showered with a bunch of nekkid athletes.  He will be the first UNC Athletic Director in seven years to make that claim.  Using “showered with a buncha jocks” as a requirement for the position … the choice came down to Matt Kupec or a skanky Joan Baez lookalike in Carrboro named Shady Sadie whose “involvement” with Tar Heel athletes predates Eddie “Possum” Kessler.  

   So The Dickster moves on to whatever it was it was so vitally important that he move on to; and Matt Kupec, supposedly, takes over for the expressed purpose of taking John Bunting for a long walk in the Arboretum.  Think “Tessio goes for a ride” in Godfather Part 1.

   Whether Matt Kupec gets to carve his initials in the AD’s door or not is unclear.  Some reports (all denied by Kirschy of course) have Matt as the ubiquitous “interim AD” which means “until Eric Hyman, Jim Delany, Dave Braine, Todd Turner, Matt Roberts, Tim Kirkpatrick, Charles Waddell, the aforementioned Shady Sadie, or Meezie’s unemployed Nebraskan Frank Solich decide they might want the job”.  Following the classic Carolina Rule of “make this as unnecessarily complicated as possible”.

   A check of the UNC Deathwatch Rules is unclear if we have an Official Deathwatch when an “interim” high profile athletic official is reassigned.  I’ll get back to you on that one.


Yo Larry, Go Easy! … Sorry, No Can Do.

   Thanks to the latest BCS formula, Saturday night in Kenan could get messy.  Miami is locked into a tight as a tick vote battle with Oklahoma for the 2nd position in the BCS standings behind The Men of Troy.  Since only two teams can play in the FedEx National Championship Orange Bowl, it is necessary for the Hurricanes to lay a major whuppin’ on the Tar Heels.  Every thing is relative and major whuppin’ to a 2004 Carolina fan means “can Jumbo count to 100?”

   If Miami can’t beat Carolina “worser” than UVa, L’ville, or Utah they risk losing ground to the Sooners.  Could we say “this is a battleground game” for Miami.  Yes, lets say that.

   With or without Jim Knight as our 12th man, it shapes up as a pre-Halloween nightmare for our beleaguered gridders. Miami’s FBers might score more points in Chapel Hill than their BBers will later this winter!

   I will be on hand alternating between Little Ricky in the Choo Choo Lounge and my Napa Valley Buddies lined up on the 50.


   Lydia is on special assignment this week.  She is visiting each of the Division 1-A campuses that are holding We Are Absolutely Sure Urban Will Be OUR Next Coach rallies.  So far she has visited 26 schools in 14 states.  The Cajun Cutie shall return next week. 


Swagger’s Stumper

What was Terry Holland’s dog’s name? … why?


Jason Voorhees plays “goalie” for the Crystal Lake “Maniacal Slashers”.  They play all of their games on Friday The 13th

Those of you who guessed Grant Fuhr or Juliet Prowse were wrong.

NASCAR’s Jimmy Spencer was arrested for fighting with a policeman who had come to arrest his son.  Good riddance.  I’ve met a lot of fine NASCAR folks.  Jimmy Spencer is not on my list of people I ever care to meet again.

If George Bush is reelected he will (1) reinstitute slavery, (2) raise the legal drinking age to 43, (3) raid the social security trust fund to pay Ken Lay’s attorney fees, and (4) rename the nation’s capital Halliburton DC.  Watch CBS’ 60 Minutes on Sunday for complete details. If you miss 60 Minutes, Katie Couric will repeat the “good parts” on Tuesday morning.

Comments or Questions

[email protected]

0 0 votes
Article Rating
Notify of
Inline Feedbacks
View all comments
Would love your thoughts, please comment.x