…. THAT VICTORIA’S SECRET COLUMN did roar across the Internet like a Santa Anna wind fueling a Malibu brush fire. …. Ye Olde E-Mail bag was as full as Santa’s toy sack on its North Pole launch pad. Apparently BL Swagger has now assumed international cult status as Advisor To The Lovelorn & Erotic Expert. One reader wrote …
Dear Mr. Swagger: Notification of shipment of your order of Ann-Margret’s toenail clippings …
Oops, wrong letter!! How did that one get in there? Ahh, here’s the one I was looking for:
Dear Wisest of The Wise:
My life as a middle-aged commitment-free bon vivant really sucks. Your recent column was the single most inspirational experience of my entire life
I read about your recent visit to Victoria’s Secret. I think something like that might save me. I fear that one day I will simply die in my sleep on the oversized leather sofa in my “home theatre” watching Clear & Present Danger for the 437th time. Nobody would even miss me until Claudette my Cambodian Maid comes in to clean the cat’s litter box on Thursday. I want more out of life. I want my very own hottie to laugh with under flannel sheets too.
Sure, I have a little black Moroccan Leather “hottie book” filled with names, cell phone #s, lip prints, and a few random pubic hairs, but “is that all there is”? I will await your answer by canuba waxing my Kawasaki crotch rocket.
Your Greatest Fan Ever,
Gunther in Chapel Hill
PS: I make even more $$$ than Marvin Sanders so that’s not the problem.
______________________
Dear Gunther:
I have a lot of “greatest fans” but none of them are named Gunther so you are special. I have studied your letter. I can help you.
Quantity is not your problem but culling the herd may be. If you follow these instructions carefully I guarantee results. If you choose NOT to, all I can suggest is renting the entire four seasons of “24” and watching them non-stop. Be careful … otherwise when Claudette The Maid walks in you will mistake her for a terrorist, torture her for “the location of the nuclear device”, then throw her out of a helicopter. I’m pretty sure Chapel Hill has laws about flinging Cambodian domestics out of rotary-powered aircraft.
Here’s what you do …
Sure Fire Test To Find a Mizzus For Gunther:
First: Memorize my original column. If you “don’t get” the part about “laughing with your loved one” then ignore all the following and enter that Benedictine monastery over in Creedmoor.
Second: Send the column to the top 6 on your list of “maybes”. I recommend individual e-mails and not a group distribution, but that’s just me. You do it your way.
Third: Examine their responses. You no doubt have varying levels of intimacy with all these women. The responses will vary accordingly. If any of them DON’T laugh at the “…. Hey Jude coming from her bosom” line, drop those losers ASAP. The only thing worse than being alone is being with a humorless frump. (NOTE: I have that silk-screened on t-shirts if you are interested. See enclosed order form)
Fourth: Pick the best response. Any replies that include “ROTFLMAO” are really good ones. Any that say “Do you really know BobLee Swagger? He is soooo smokin’ hot” should be put aside in a special file. The next time I’m despondent, I’ll have you send me a few of those.
Fifth: Go shopping at “the mall” with the top two from the above culling process. But not at the same time. Advice on “3-ways” are another subject, which I normally charge for. If you make more $$$ than Marv, you can afford it. 
Take each one into “Vicky’s”. Again, level of intimacy to date comes into factor here. If you’re just holding hands, this could be a stretch for both of you. If you have already purchased Cool Whip together, without buying brownies to spoon it on, this step should be a snap.
If a couple (I’m old fashioned and Republican so “couple” defined as one from each of the two primary gender groups) can spend 10 minutes together in “a Vicky’s” without one or the other getting self-conscious or “antsy” that is a POSITIVE SIGN. If you get to the “what about this one” level, even better. If she says “Gunny, would you buy me this one?” either call your best man and tell’em to rent a tux OR call all your old frat buddies and invite them over to see the resultant video. The difference between “she’s special” and “flavor of the month” can be a lot tougher to discern than most guys realize.
Hell; either way you’re going to have a better time than watching C&PD again. Isn’t that Willem Dafoe terrific as John Clark?
One problem you will encounter in Chapel Hill – the only single hotties are young coeds OR Reynoldo The Transvestite who works in the “saffron section” at Southern Season. If you’re looking for a single female older than 25, expect discernible facial hair, a really long list of “causes”, LOTS of pent-up rage, and likely toting a castration knife stashed in her Doc Martens. You are better off trolling thru Wal-Mart over in Mebane. They also carry flannel sheets, just in case you DO get lucky. Let me know how it goes.
Sincerely.
BobLee (aka “Doctor Cuddles”)
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Best reader “Vicky’s” story: This comes from a senior member of BobLee’s Inner Circle down in Orlando. He’s 50, about 6’7” and 240 with 0% “give a damn” about what people think.
He walked into “a Vicky’s” recently with his 18 y/o cheerleader/daughter. Father and daughter shopping together … Innocent enough? Hardly! That pairing set off the D.O.M. sensors in the store’s security system. “Holy Lolita, Batman!” He was spread-eagled against the wall, cuffed, shackled and fitted with an ankle alarm thingie. His daughter was whisked off to a convent in Wyoming for salvation and reprogramming. The “A Pervert Lives Here” sign will stay in his front yard until he completes 500 hours of community service “playing horsey” at a local Montessori School. In all the excitement, he forgot they went in to ask directions to the Food Court.
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The Everyman Plan for Sizzle Seekers
His & Her trips to Vicky’s Secret simply aren’t for everyone. Fear not sizzle seekers, BobLee has the “Everyman Plan”. You don’t need Vicky’s Secret … go instead to JC Penney’s Men’s Department. Stick with me here folks, I know what I’m doing. Buy “her” a man’s white oxford cloth dress shirt ideally in your size assuming you are bigger than she is. Button-down collar preferred but not mandatory.
He wakes up on Saturday morning. The other side of the bed is empty … but still warm. The fragrance of her perfume is still on the pillow. As his various sensory neurons start firing, the aroma of bacon frying and fresh cinammon rolls bring him to full awake. He follows the aroma into the kitchen.
There she is … wearing “that white dress shirt”, a pair of high-heeled sandals … and a smile. Hair touseled. The sleeves of the shirt are rolled up just a turn or two. As he enters the kitchen, she reaches on her tiptoes for a bottle of Texas Pete on a high cabinet shelf. YEP … that shirt tail hitches up just enough to reveal a teasing “inch of cheek” and half of her butterfly tattoo.
PS: “Candies” are the ideal shoe of choice. Substitute a “tux shirt” for special occasions. Bacon … cinnamon rolls … and Fabreze – the ultimate aphrodisiac.
OK … I got you to this point. You are on your own from here. Boys and girls, you and I both know many of you will be trying the above. It is foolproof and you will likely nickname it “doing the Swagger” … I would be honored! There’s no need to thank BobLee for this one. Just my New Year’s Thank You for your dutiful devotion to this silly website. … but if you want to send pictures, I’ll post the best ones!
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Swagger’s Stumper
Law & Order SVU “hottie cop ” Mariska Hargitay –
Who was her mother?
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Jeff Blake, Ronald Curry and Joe Spagnola were all “winning QBs in Peach Bowls”. NO ONE will EVER forget Blake’s epic ECU victory over “you-know-who” … Curry beat Auburn … “Spaghetti Joe” helped ArizSt beat Dooley’s Boys on a miserable night in Georgia. I miss cool nicknames like “Spaghetti Joe” Spagnola. No doubt the “verbally abused pasta” lobby would be up-in-arms today. FYI … Congrats to our old friend Moyer Smith for nailing this one.
Frank Cignetti (from Fresno State) appears to be the new Offensive Coordinator at UNC, receiving a quite “serious about Football” contract. Dickie-haters scurrying to find new reasons to beleague and malign the spunky little AD.
Oh Goody !!! … NC State wins The Meineke officially beginning nine months of “We’re obviously better because …” battling between respective blue and red nit-wit factions.
