Cornrows, Tattoos and (maybe) a Bronze Medal

January17/ 2000

 Jason Whitlock is a fat ass blowhard black sportswriter in Kansas City.  His one-trick pony is “racism in sports”.  He trots it out any time a black athlete strikes out, fumbles, or double dribbles.  He wrote a column this week for ESPN that has every white sports fan in America proclaiming “I’m NOT a racist … but”.  I think Whitlock is a fat ass blowhard … and I sort of agree with him.

   The USA’s Olympic Basketball Team’s performance in Athens was NOT “a sport’s version of  9/11”.  I lived through Carolina losing to Dan Dakich’s Hoosiers in 1984 … and that loss to Weber State in the late 90s.  For Lamar Odom and some whozit named Sean Marion to lose to Upper Volta is within my “it’s OK to play with scissors” range.

   Yes, Wuffies and Dookies, UNC’s George Karl was the coach when the USA tanked in Indianapolis two years ago … and UNC’s sainted Larry Brown (assisted by Ol’ Roy) was at the helm of this trainwreck.  In true Tar Heel fan denial style … imagine how bad those teams would have lost with lesser geniuses coaching them?  Besides …        

   While Larry was calling / uncalling time outs and getting an earful of Spanish obscenities, the USA Women’s Soccer Team was gathered on the upper tier of the medals platform hearing “… bombs bursting in air …”.  And we all know that USA Women’s Soccer is ALWAYS dressed in Red, White & Carolina Blue.  As Mia and her “Golden Girls” were saying farewell to World soccer, Tar Heelettes Heather O’Reilly and Lindsey Tarpley were scoring key goals in the final two games to insure that Anson Dorrance’s fingerprints will stay on that sport longer than Morten Andersen is kicking NFL field goals.  But … back to cornrows and (maybe) a bronze medal. 

   It’s easy for most anybody (except inner city teen thugs) to dislike Allan Iverson.  We first heard of him when as a Newport News high school phenom his off-court misbehavior was so bad that The Legend sent him to John Thompson for “jerk a knot in him” training.  He went from Hoya bad boy to Philly bad boy.

   In his first few years in Philly we saw weekly police reports of his posse getting caught in AI’s Benz.  Apparently AI had the only “Benz” in the world that was customized by Cheech, Chong and Q.  They were loaded with enough marijuana and firepower to make a Columbian drug lord jealous.  

   There was his house party where Mrs AI’s ran through the neighborhood in her birthday suit claiming hubby was chasing her with a 9mm.  

   Allan was pissed that Jason Williams came up with that “shoot the chauffeur” parlor game before he could do it.

   There was AI the fashion trend setter.  He was the first to do the cockeyed cap and hang to the knees replica jersey.  And, of course, the “hide the obscene tattoos” elbow sleeve.

   For years we have seen his defiant face in press conferences touting his latest misunderstanding with his coach, the league, the police, his wife, the fans, the team owner, and probably Philly legends Dr J, Mike Schmidt, and Ben Franklin too.  That crack in the Liberty Bell … “OK, Allan, where were you that night in 1784 …”   Iverson beat that Liberty Bell rap by (1) claiming he was at “PRACTICE” and (2) anytime he was involved with “crack” there would be a 9mm left on the scene.

   No one reminds us that basketball is no longer “whitey’s game” more than AI.  Unlike Wilt in the 60s, or Shaq today, AI is not some genetic oddity.  He looks and acts like your basic slouchy obscene rapper but can perform magic on the court.  If you want to blame anybody for “disgracing America” its easy to find “The Answer” … it’s probably not true but hysterical knee jerk finger pointing rarely is.

   Every account I’ve read says Iverson has been exemplary in Athens.  Yes, he missed a few meetings but did Larry really expect otherwise. Allan Iverson misses meetings, Shawn Kemp has illegitimate children, Roy Tarpley is a total screw-up … there are absolutes even in sports. 

   Iverson’s remarks after the Argentina loss might give many a different perspective on his attitude.

   No one blames Tim Duncan for the same reason no one blames Dean Smith for all of Rasheed Wallace’s technical fouls.  It doesn’t suit the argument.  Carlos Boozer is a lying no-account cheat … because he played for Coach K.  But Rasheed is a poor sportsman IN SPITE of Dean’s saintly influence.

   America’s sports ego is bruised and we demand a human sacrifice.  Two months ago we proclaimed Larry Brown as The Wunder-Coach of The New Millenium now he’s a bum.  The Spanish coach delivered the ultimate insult … “…he’s no Dean Smith”.  Watching from his home in Austin TX, Rick Barnes yelled “damn right he’s not!”.

   The one person saving Larry from total disgrace is David Stern.  It’s no coincidence that David Stern is a dead ringer for Dickie Baddour.  Every sports trainwreck needs a diminutive chipmunk to piller. So it’s Stern’s fault for not putting Steve Kerr, John Paxon, Mark Price, John Stockton, Dante Calabria, Jeff Lebo, and Brian Magid on the team.  It’s no coincidence that all those guys are fine 3-point shooters and whiter than a loaf of Wonder Bread.

   Yes … the 2004 USA “Nightmare Team” is “all black” … not even one of Dean’s famous Morehead Scholar “walk-ons” on the end of the bench to boost the team’s GPA.  

   Jason Whitlock, the aforementioned fat ass black sportswriter from Kansas City, has two purposes in life … polish off the last Krispy Kreme … and piss off all the white readers so much they can’t wait to get pissed off reading his next column.  The late Ralph Wiley also saw racism behind every potted palm … as does N&O columnist Barry Saunders (the self appointed Fred Sanford of East Durham).  Both Jason and Barry have lifetime “no trade – no fire – not even a reprimand” contracts so long as they “stay black”.  

   What’s such a shame with probably talented writers like Whitlock and Saunders is that they often have a worthwhile message.  Wrapping that message around a rock and throwing it thru my window is probably not going to win me over to their side.  Of course, if we did eliminate racism in sports, guys like Jason and Barry would then be eligible to be fired like all us heterosexual white guys.     


   America is no longer the pre-eminent world power in basketball because the rest of the world caught up.  The point guard for Argentina has played for Larry Brown’s NBA teams TWICE.  There are plenty of “white guys” in the NBA but just not “Americans”.  There are plenty of “black guys” in Major League Baseball … just not “Americans”.     

   BobLee’s common sense proposal says America should adopt “International rules” for basketball … and I want the contract to paint that trapezoid lane on every court in the country. 

   The only sport without racism is Chess … one team is all white and other team is all black. … “Kentucky vs Texas Western – Checkmate!” … Oops, there is that Jim Crow rule that mandates that “white gets to go first”.  Hey Jason, send a nasty note to Boris Spaasky.


Swagger’s Stumper

If Wayne & Garth went to Stan Mikita’s …

Where did Richie, Potsie, and Ralph Malph go?


   Did EVERY freakin’ reader here remember Green Acres’ Lisa/Eva being “allergic to smelling hay”?  Eva Gabor was no Veronica Hamel but she sure was “hottier” than her sister Zsa Zsa.

   The Swaggers, Jerry Agars, and Rick Martinezes had an evening of esoteric conversation at Bogart’s on Friday night that put The Algonquin Roundtable to shame.  Stuff six pretty darn bright ultra right wingers in a booth and “Whoa Nellie” the zingers were aflyin’.

   THE most memorable reaction to the Jason Whitlock “racism” column came from a Wuffie knuckle dragger on their message board … “I ain’t no racist.  The reason the US lost in basketball is because of those faggot coaches from Craple Hill.” … yessiree, the dregs of The WuffNation just have a knack for making their school soooo proud of’em.

   BobLee will be front and center at the Jimmy V Celebrity Golf Classic this weekend.  10th year helping out Pam, Frank, Kathy, Tom, Michael and their associates.  Come on out if you’re in the area. 

OK … that line about “… Cheech, Chong and Q …” really … you just don’t see that quality of “Yikes, is this guy clever or WHAT” writing since Jim Murray died … 🙂

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