Bread, Circus, & Mayhem

January17/ 2000

Why even pretend you were “shocked and awed” by the Riot at The Palace?  Has “the fight” been replayed as often as “the ad” was last week?  Was Ron Artest jealous of all the “pub” that Terrell got with Nicco?  Is it “a racial thing”?  Is it an overall loss of civility thing?  Who got clobbered – fat idiots fans! … who cares? …BobLee wades in swinging his cordless keyboard.  

   I have been to three NBA games over the past 10 years.  I had comp tickets each time or I would never have gone.  If the NBA joined the NHL in cold storage I would not care one iota. (Is there only ONE iota, has anyone ever heard of two or more “iotas”?).  If I watch more than 10 minutes of NBA “action” on TV it is always deep into the playoffs in June.

   The only NBA players I would bother to go see in a public appearance would be Tim Duncan or Shaq.  Shaq because I’d like to see just how big he is in person … Duncan because I’ve always liked him. … I have to assume I am NOT the NBA target market.  

   Yes, there is probably a “racial component” to my total disinterest in the NBA.  I don’t listen to hip hop music.  I don’t watch BET (sorry Mr. Johnson!).  I don’t dress in baggy britches and sloppy jerseys or otherwise behave in an “urban culture” mode.  But I think it’s fine if all these elements do exist in our modern society.  I simply move in different circles.

   The only reason I even know “what’s going on in the NBA” is that I read the “sports pages” and do watch ESPN.  I keep reading about the antics of this Ron Artest character. Two weeks ago he wanted “time off” to promote his upcoming CD.  Before that it was a laundry list of other bizarreness. As I say, I don’t follow it that close, by choice.


   If you had told me two weeks “Guess which NBA Thugs WILL be in the middle of a riot”, I probably would have said “Ron Artest and who else?”  Am I the only one that knew this guy was a loose cannon with a short fuse.

   Given a choice, I think 1,000 reruns of “TO, Nicco and the towel” are more compelling than 1,000 reruns of “NBA Thugs Beat Up Fat Idiot Fans”.  One can only imagine what we have in store next week … “Desperate Housewives hijack a school bus”??

   Am I the only one that wondered how “Fat Idiot Fans” (FIF) ended up in those courtside VIP seats?  Isn’t that where Detroit’s versions of Jack Nicholson should be sitting?  Maybe the Vice Pres of Chrome Bumpers for General Motors or Barry Gordy’s 6th wife’s personal trainer? … you’d think after buying $250 replica jerseys that “FIF” would be tapped out for $500 seats.

   Those “Fat Idiot Fans” were probably Internet lunatics who took a wrong turn on the cyber highway and wound up in “reality”.  No doubt they thought that “image” in a Pacer jersey was a hologram from a video game.  Cool … “interactive riots” … even Madden 2005 can’t offer that … yet! 

   All the yadda yadda about it being a “black gangsta” thing … I think that’s just a segment of the issue.  It doesn’t explain NHL hockey mayhem (for you young readers, the NHL was what we used to call major league hockey … soccer on ice with sticks).  The MLB bullpen ballplayers slamming fans with chairs were Euro-American.  The nuts attacking the Royals first base coach were VERY stoopid white guys.  Soccer Hooligans in England and Europe are “white guys”.

   Remember my incredibly astute comparison of Palestinians lunatics celebrating like Red Sox fans while waiting for Yasser “Ringo” Arafat’s AIDs-riddled corpse to land.  White, black, brown … lunatics is lunatics.

   Trace this back through “reality television” and that downward spiral of New Millenium culture.  The performing stage has now expanded to include wherever a faulty wired nut case happens to be.  The veil between participant and spectator has been ripped asunder.

Whose “fault” was it? … Who cares!

I didn’t see anyone get clobbered or suspended that didn’t get what they had comin to’em.  Fat Idiot Fans and NBA Thugs … a pox on both their houses.

   I’ll betcha a $10 beer at The Palace @ Auburn Hills that those “Fat Idiot Fans” post on some fan message board.  They use anonymous handles and call everyone insultingly obscene names, like they don’t really exist.  These morons could be done away with if we could just teach cockroaches how to type.

   Three Pacers get lengthy suspensions without pay.  A handful of Pistons get suspended a few games.  Larry Brown wishes he were back in Athens picking up his bronze medal.  Dick Baddour’s twin brother, David Stern, does a pretty good job of saying “we will not tolerate this”.

   And meanwhile down in Death Valley … Tommy Bowden proves that his brother Terry got the brains and he got the choirboy good looks.  In the aftermath of Cocks & Tiger-Mania, Tommy “BIG Buyout” Bowden blamed “that NBA fight” for inciting his “student athletes” to extreme behavior.  He combined “the intense rivalry” excuse along with “watching that NBA fight rerun on TV all day long”.  Damn good thing they didn’t watch Scott Peterson kill Laci.  Tommy’s Tigers might have tried to drown a few cheerleaders in Lake Hartwell.

Both Clemson and South Carolina have announced they will turn down any bowl invites as a result of the players unacceptable behavior.  We applaud that decision.

   Marshall McCluen … what are you doing?  That idiot box has done grabbed ahold of the minds of America.

BobLee’s Solution

   We have all these plexiglass dasher boards that the NHL isn’t using.  Install them behind the first ten rows in NBA arenas.  Declare it a “No Brain Zone”.  Any “fat idiot fans” that enter there are fair game for whatever the NBA Thugs want to do to/with them.  Put the spandex cheerskanks in there with them.  It’s ThunderDome … let the players tape razor blades on their elbows and just hose away the blood during TV timeouts.  Cut to a commercial … “If the erection lasts longer than four hours, call Niccolette Sheridan”. 

   Hopefully the “fat idiot fans” in Detroit won’t become cult celebs like the guy in Wrigley Field that caught the foul ball. My closest personal encounter with an NBA thug is watching Charles Barkley throw F-bombs at a celebrity golf tournament.

   In an effort to keep pace with the NBA, I hear one of the contestants in the World Celebrity Las Vegas Atlantic City Genuine Original Poker Championship is going to pull out a derringer and shoot Amarillo Slim between the eyes.


Swagger’s Stumper

Who landed “the punch” on Rudy T?

[email protected]


Amazing how many Tar Heels knew that Duke played Oregon State in that Durham Rose Bowl.  I didn’t think Carolina fans followed Duke athletics!

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