Bowls VS Bond

January17/ 2000

…. Thru December 27, I have watched a grand total of SEVEN minutes of NCAA post-season bowl “action”. … that MIGHT increase slightly in the next few days.  Say it ain’t so!  A red-blooded American male admitting to terminal indifference to “the bowl games”???  You going “light in the loafers” on us there Swagger?”  Probably not, since I still giggle when 007 is first introduced to you-know-who in Goldfinger.

    Some of you are incredulous that I’ve watched as MUCH as seven minutes of post-season bowl “action”.  At least four of those minutes were spent frantically searching sofa cushions for “the damn remote” to change the channel.  My bowl game “viewing” is about three minutes with Navy getting 2:36 of that.

    My concerted disdain for bowl games is acute apathy. I simply don’t care.  I’m not protesting the NCAA’s refusal to implement a playoff system.  

    If keeping those student-athletes out of class an extra week will delay one of those young scholars developing a Diet Coke that doesn’t fizz when you pour it, then I say keep their “nose to the academic grindstone”  fer sure.  I do wish that Myles Brand would appoint a “blue ribbon” commission to come up with a better “no playoff” excuse than anything involving the term “academic integrity”.  That’s as hypocritical as a prostitute labeling what she “does” as “making love”. 

Kid Swagger and I came up with our own Christmas Season competition several years ago.  We flip to Spike Network and see who can guess “which Bond movie is on” in the shortest time.  Ala “Name That Tune” – “I can name that Bond movie in 3 quips.”  I used to “let her win”, but now it’s really competitive.  My strength is the Connery Era and Kid excels from Timothy Dalton thru Brosnan.  We are about even on “Roger Moores”.

If you are thinking of starting this tradition in your family, be careful of two faux pas that rookies tend to make.  

  •  Those panoramic ski chases are tricky.  There are at least 6 of them.  You have to wait for the final “escape” sequence to ID it.  Cubby uses the same stock footage in 4 of them.
  • Fake volcanos and 100s of minions in pastel coveralls can also fool you.  Pinewood Studios had one “fake volcano” that they re-used.  The differences are which deadly marine creature is in the “die pool” below the trapdoor.  You must wait until the villain releases either the shark, the piranah, or the anaconda.  

I don’t do “favorite Bond girl” debates any longer.  The older I get the more gorgeous Honor Blackman gets.  It was her physical beauty and her on-screen attitude.  That scene where James flips her over in the hayloft and she’s laying there on the hay in silk and leather and “vulnerable” is as PG-erotic as I will ever need.

Alas … we must leave Sean and Honor in the hayloft and return to Kansas playing whoever wherever in the GiveACrap Bowl.

Using the Jayhawks as an example … I was in Kansas City when KU beat Iowa State to become “BOWL ELIGIBLE”.  (NOTE: Whenever the phrase “BOWL ELIGIBLE” is uttered the Mormon Tabernacle Choir is heard in the background – “Hallelujah, Hallelujah, Ha- Lay-Loo-Yah”.)  KU students “rushed the field in jubilation” that KU could now go to Ft Worth to play Houston in the GiveACrap Bowl before 12,000 life forms and a few dozen more than that on TV.

But … but … but BobLee; the REAL advantage of being BOWL ELIGIBLE is the extra few weeks of practice time.  Those extra practices will make the returning players better so next year maybe they will be BOWL ELIGIBLE again and get to go to Shreveport or maybe one of those truly anonymous Florida Whozits Bowls.

But … but … what about Billy BlueChip watching with his 6 brothers and sisters while his mamma is working one of her 3 jobs because Billy’s dad was last seen the night Billy was conceived.  So Billy is imagining himself being MVP of the 2008 GiveACrap Bowl – huh?  Aim higher Billy … aim MUCH higher.  Maybe actually get an education so you can get a decent job and earn enough to buy yourself a really nice watch rather than that cheesy knock-off with the GiveACrap Bowl logo on it.

Jeezzz BobLee, did Santa leave you a set of Super Cynic blocks to play with?  Not at all.

Reread these columns from September thru November.  I love the color and pagentry of college football.  I love going to games in my immediate area or a reasonable road trip.  I love “that experience” and sharing it with my family and/or good friends at “tailgates”.  I love the excitement in the stadiums and booty-shaking coeds in spandex.  I love exciting on-field competition with “big plays” and dramatic endings.  

September 24 in “The Carter” was the best of the season. It was a nailbiter and, regardless which team won, the result would be way over-dramatized by the homosexual communists and gap-toothed farm animal fornicators.  And so it goes.

I don’t follow college football as a means to any end other than “did I enjoy going to that game today”.  Like funerals, much of my enjoyment is dictated by the weather.  Crooked referees, unimaginative coordinators, or deep snappers launching moon shots don’t control my self-image.  

Are you studying next year’s schedule, figuring which games “your team” MUST win to be BOWL ELIGIBLE and go to Memphis, Appalachicola, or Bossier City and play Minnesota State in the ChineseBuffetAllYouCanEatBowl?  Why not do something REALLY important – call all the “uncommitted” BillyBlueChips and assure them that just because your alma mater has a library, doesn’t mean they ever have to actually go into it other than to score chicks or pee.  This cheapshot at academically disinterested jocks does NOT apply of course to Lupine Scholar Andre Brown.

I WILL watch some or all of the following.  

  •  The Rose Bowl … this is “a major sports event”.  I will be pulling for Mack so all the Mack-haters can have a miserable New Year.  In case you haven’t heard “he lied to da boys”.
  • “The Meineke” … something will happen that you will expect me to comment on.  Whether NCSU wins in a rout, gets routed or anything in between – Caro-Loons will squawk that “Chuckles The Clown is evil and a fraud and looks funny”.  The Charlotte bowl guys are letting anyone in free that can correctly identify State’s opponent for the game.  A mini-van carrying all the living alumni of whatever that school is is due to arrive 10 minutes prior to kickoff. The winner of the game then plays Independence High for the Mecklenburg County Championship.  “Indy Hi” is a 6 point favorite regardless.
  • Spurrier vs Whoever he is playing … Steve Spurrier is a fascinating sports figure and merits attention.
  • Fiesta Bowl … Notre Dame vs Ohio State.  “Knute Dangerfield” Weis is also a compelling story.  If Charlie wins, the Pope will be on the sideline to kiss each of Charlie’s 3 Super Bowl rings and declare him a Saint.
  • JoePa vs Pappa B … I love those snazzy Penn State uniforms.  I want to see Bobby come out wearing bottle cap glasses with his khakis rolled up high-water-style … and Joe wearing a suede leather cowboy hat.

Other than the above, you will find BobLee and Kid on “Spike” battling over who played the two different Emilio Largos and the three different Ernst Stavro Blofelds.  Was Solitaire or Domino threatened by “the Cola Nut Man”?


 Swagger’s Stumper

The following players share what distinction

Jeff Blake – Joe Spagnola – Ronald Curry

Hint: After this year, no one else will be able to join their “club”.


   The only purpose for a Red Ryder BB gun was “to shoot your eye out”.  No reports of that ever happening have been recorded but you never know.  Do “they” still sell BB guns?

   By comparison to my “bowl game apathy, I have watched a total of 48 seconds of “poker” and zip zero nada of “Lost”.  I do have my fetishes … “24”, Clear & Present Danger, and cheese straws.

    I know you’ll think I’m piling on; but which one of the following Defensive Coordinators are NOT  coordinating a defense in a bowl game this season … Marvin The Messiah OR “That Damn Dave” Huxtable OR Smilin’ Jon Tenuta..  Ouch!

   Hokie Jim has a great synopsis of “Bowl season” for those that really do care …

   Look for the “UNC picks an OC” smoke to pour from The House That Mack & Johnny Built as early as next week.  Finalists appear to be Fresno Frank Cignetti, Steve Logan, or Hal Hunter.   A reader wrote in suggesting that if Dickie springs for “big bucks” for both an OC and a DC then he will be “less hated” by the Hate-A-Bunch Club.  Yeah, sure … and if Coach K shaves his head and quits coaching one game short of Dean’s record, he’ll be less-hated too.  Nope.

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