Boardwalk Stereotypes Come Alive

January17/ 2000

… BobLee IS JUST FINE!  We have to resist the temptation to conjure up some cock and bull tale of abduction and escape involving sinister Nifongian agents or at least a desert island marooning and/or a dramatic deathbed recovery … but alas … the uncharacteristic 10 day sabbatical was simply a confluence of travel complexities, computer glitches, and assorted broken shoelaces.  … meanwhile “Hurricane Season” takes on new meaning at the Canadian Bank building … a new “Cuban” will visit Miami … and BobLee visits “Derm w/ a Boardwalk”.

    You all know how I do detest the moronic habit of broadbrushing stereotypes … “all Liberals are” … “all State fans are” … “all faculty squirrels are” … “all exotic dancers are” … etc.  Well, we have found one category where the “they all are” is apparently pure … “everyone in an Atlantic City casino is …”.  I have business reasons to visit “AC” every year or so, which is sort of like “I have medical reasons for getting a colonoscopy every few years”.

   Anyone who would even imagine AC is “the Las Vegas of the East Coast” should be forced to move there permanently … WHAT A MUNICIPAL ARMPIT!  I know we’ve been bashing Derm a lot recently for its total lack of adult leadership.  Atlantic City must be “led” by “The Donald” and Tony Soprano’s cousin Vinnie. 

   I had a free night so I figured I would “do the Taj Mahal” … hit their buffet and then see how long I could make $100 last with the slot machines.  (they don’t call me “High Rollen Swagger” for nothing) … (1) They now CHARGE for parking at The Taj Mahal … that should have run me off right there.  The $5.00 parking garage smells worse than a diaper pail at a poorly run Old Folks Home.  And no signage … maybe Donald will use my $5 to make a sign showing how to get into his casino.

   I finally get in and face a trek further than my Franklin Street to Kenan walk.  I eventually do find “the Buffet” and there they are … central casting’s ensemble of “who goes to Atlantic City”.

   Of course there’s a whole section set aside for the “bag ladies from South Philly with their cups full of nickels”.  You try to imagine what some of these women might have looked like at 16, 25, 50 ???  That’s a dead end street … don’t go there.

   The maitre’d (?) sets me in the “pathetic single guys with no dates” section … next to some oriental dude of indeterminate age I figured was training for a competitive eating contest.  He had a pile of snow crab leg shells 3’ high in front of him.  At least five Bering Sea fishermen were washed overboard on the Discovery Channel just collecting his appetizer.  He was “intense”.  He was on one side of me and a dead ringer for “Milton from Office Space” on the other.  Three more of the same and we could fill up “the short bus” and/or win the 10 yard relay at Special Olympics.

   “Ray’s parents” (from Everybody Loves Raymond) were sitting across from me … married AT LEAST 40 years and totally ran out of conversation at least 15 years ago.  I watched’em for 20 minutes and the only sounds from either of them were “teeth gnashing”.  Not a mumble of conversation.

   And lets not forget the table of four Jewish widows from Queens.  Unlike “Ray’s parents”, this quartet of crones could not shut up.  Stuffing in food with both hands (apparently afraid the oriental crab claw guy might make a kamikaze attack!) and constantly complaining about “everything”.  Think Fran Drescher’s mamma from The Nanny.

   As for my plan to spend $100 at “the slots” … once again “Ignorance was My Ally”.  I could not figure out how to play the slot machines!  I swear I remember the old days when you sat down with a cup of quarters and fed them in, pulled the lever, cussed, and did it again … until you ran out of quarters.  Now you have to navigate more instructions than a phone tree to a Calcutta “help desk” to update your Symantec anti-virus software.  Coupons and member cards and all sorts of “extras” … Thank you “the Donald” … $5 to park and $19 to watch a freak show at “the Buffet”.

   If you ever have the option of visiting Atlantic City or slamming your hand in a car door … go on out to the driveway and get the unpleasantness over with. 


   A BIG HUZZA to The Carolina Hurricanes.  Two Stanley Cup appearances since moving to Raleigh … THAT’S OFFICIALLY COOL!  As I have stated on various occasions, every Hurricane player and official I have ever met was an excellent representative of the organization.  I still have no interest in attending a game especially in paying $75+ for a ticket (I could park at The Taj Mahal for two weeks with that much money).  Watching the final period ON TV is exciting.  On TV you can actually sort of follow the puck.  You got to figure the national interest in a Carolina vs Edmonton series is akin to a World Cup soccer consolation game between Ivory Coast and East Carolina.

   Speaking of “the Canadian Bank building” … when I was in Memphis I went into a Champs store in a local mall and, of course, they had lots and lots of Carolina caps and tees … BUT they also had an NC State cap … THEY ACTUALLY HAD AN NC STATE CAP!  I asked the manager “why?” and he said it was a sample they ordered during the 24 hours that Calipari was being courted.  I asked if he had any Saint Paul’s caps … he looked at me funny.

   Miami vs Dallas … I’m OK with that.  Lots of camera time for Mark Cuban and Pat Riley stories ad infinitum.  I’m picking the Heat in six.

   Katie Couric has left Today for “the Dan Rather chair” … I haven’t felt so emotional since J. Fred Muggs wet on Jack Lescoulie’s lap.  I haven’t watched Today in over 8 years and stopped watching Rather before Kid was born.  I intend to keep both streaks in tact.  Speaking of J. Fred Muggs, I saw where Larry King gave the Dixie Chicks more free publicity last week.  Don’t know if it is true but I heard NY Times Fem/Lib extraordinare, Maureen Dowd, was so ecstatic over the Hadatha story … she compared it to the orgasm she had when she shook Bill Clinton’s hand in a rope line.  Harry Reid has asked for Mike Nifong to be assigned to prosecute the marines … meanwhile the N&O is checking the appraised value of the homes owned by the marines’ fathers, and if any of them ever played lacrosse. … speaking of our friends in Derm … Ho #2 was back in the news last week at her embezzlement hearing.  The UNC alumna gave an obscene gesture to a WRAL reporter AND “stuck out her tongue”.  


 Swagger’s Stumper

 In honor of the Dallas Mavericks

 This original Mavericks Coach immortalized “the fat lady”

 Who He?


    If you ever play in an LPGA Pro-Am try to get Christina Kim as your pro.  She is a bonafide “hoot”.  Ayi Miyazato is also a sweetheart and will be a Superstar.  BobLee has watched Natalie Gulbiss grow up on tour.  Yes, she is the LPGA’s #1 sex symbol but also a sharp and intelligent young lady.

    Kid Swagger graduates next Saturday.  Big fete planned at Casa Swagger to commemorate the rite of passage.  BLS handling it fine … Mizzus starting to get a bit weepy.

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