Beirut On The Eno

January17/ 2000

… I know some of you think the UNC QB battle between Joe Dailey and Cameron Sexton is the dominant news story of The Triangle.  It isn’t. My original take on The Gothic Nightmare was part speculation and years of watching “the mainstream media” blow it’s own toes off.  There will be “no heroes” but plenty of shame and stupidity to parcel out – THERE IS some good news ……… “Pier Fishing With Dad” was elevated to Hall of Fame status by unanimous vote of every responding SSays reader.

 WOW!!! … if I ever wonder “why I do this” I just need to review your comments from “Pier Fishing W/ Dad”.  The Mizzus had warned me that it had “box of Kleenex” potential upon her initial read.  So many of you recounted similar memories of “the old days at da beach”.  Sometimes I think I’m “everyman” with my life experiences … other times I think I lead a quite bizarre off-the-chart life.  Probably both are true.  Your comments on this particular column meant a lot … thanks for sharing. You’re a pretty neat bunch of folks.


    The NC State Coach Search has produced a relationship that defies explanation. ( ) has done an incredible job following this Category 5 sports story.  I praised them twice recently and now they reciprocated with applause for my acclaim.  BobLee and a Wuff website all lovey-dovey! When responsible adults are in charge of a venture IT SHOWS.  I have not identified all the principals in that site but the ones I do know are “grown-ups” who have regular bowel movements.  A tremendous improvement from 95% of the combined NCSU and UNC fan sites.

    Calipari-Watch has taken on all the intrique of Roygasm ’03 even to “jet tracking”.  Instead of “Doctor Jordan’ jet flying to Lawrence”, we have “Wendell’s jet heading to Memphis”.  As of Tues night, looking like Cal is staying in Graceland – it would have taken some Wuff mouthbreathers years to learn his name is NOT “Calimari”.  Since 10% of Heel fans still can’t spell Guthridge or Doherty thats about par for the course.


    So that clears the table for a Derm Update.  (Be warned, BobLee is mad enuff to piss battery acid.)  The Lacrosse DNA all came back negative as the players knew it would, since they knew they had not done as they are accused.  Otherwise they would not have VOLUNTEERED the samples …. duh!

   Four years ago I did a classic parody in which Duke University relocated lock, stock and granite to Delaware.  The whole shebang including the Medical Center and all its high income staff and personnel simply leave Durham.  Whether it would be to Delaware or Sheboygan. The Colts left Baltimore. Wake Forest left Wake Forect … it could happen.  It SHOULD happen.  The idea has merit.  At the same time, rezone the Research Triangle Park to remove any association with this moronic municipality.  

   My dear friend Prince Albert The Long was born, raised and has lived all his life in Durham.  There are probably others of similar merit there who are not associated with either Duke or RTP.  Give all those folks six months to relocate, at least, to Durham County.  Then declare The City of Derm as “Beirut On The Eno” and designate it as a testing site for small scale nuclear devices.

   Remove the toney enclaves such as Hope Valley, Croasdaile and similar pockets of civility populated by people with at least double digit IQs and 8th grade reading comprehension.  What you would have left is Gary, Indiana after the Jacksons left.  It’s Cairo, Illinois without the Midwestern charm.  “Beirut On The Eno” … I’ve already copyrighted the t-shirt rights.

   If you convened a panel of the most abjectly bigoted white racists in America and asked them to design a “Black America Theme Park” you would have Durham 2006.  You want Amos ‘n Andy, Red Foxx, George and Wezzie, Stokely Carmichael, Moms Mabley, Calypso Louie, Otis Day & The Knights … every over-the-top farcical stereotype is alive and tap dancin’ in Derm today.  That is not intended as a compliment. The mindset that now rules Derm is an insult to millions of fine Black Americans. 

   Back in the 60s-70s, Floyd McKissick,  a Reverend JJ wannabee, wanted to create “Soul City” up around Butner.  It was to be “a Black Utopia” where “colored people” could have their own city to play with.  Built 100% by guvmint funds OF COURSE. I can’t describe it further without degenerating into the crudest of racial stereotypes.  Floyd lined his pockets but nothing ever happened. Floyd’s dead … his dream lives on … Derm 2006.

   Municipal officials in general  are lightning rods for abuse.  Bureaucrats and elected officers are issued “Kick Me” signs at their swearing in ceremonies.  It comes with the territory.  The City of Derm has taken this to heretofore unknown depths.  Their municipal officials individually and as a group are too incompetent to even be decent crooks

   Up until a year ago, Derm’s City Manager was a dead ringer for Fred Sanford’s Aunt Edna.  Appointed totally because of her “minority status” she wrecked havoc in an already circus of silliness.  Her shenanigans in hiring various underlings and her redefinition of daily administrative incompetence were front page comic headlines on a weekly basis.  A sympathetic regional media tried to soft pedal her idiocy and even the filtered politically correct versions were mind numbing.

   Attend a Derm School Board meeting … or visit a Moroccan Street Bazarre.  Even absent the camels, the Derm School Board is louder and smells worse.

   Reyn Bowman … one of my alltime favorites pieces of work.  Reyn is Emperor of The Derm Convention & Visitors Bureau.  That Derm even HAS such an agency is a joke.  He is a white guy.  Reyn pulls down in excess of $150,000 for the past 15 years.  He’s had one agenda in all that time … to rename the regional airport Durham Raleigh International.  I finally agree with this pompous clown.  Lets rename the airport.  Name it RaCaCha … Raleigh Cary Chapel Hill International.  Strike any/all reference to the municipal carbunkle on the butt of The Triangle.

   Every few months various members of the goofy Duke family jet into “RDU” and stay in a swanky suite at The Washington Duke Inn while receiving lyposuction, rhinoplasty, or electric shock treatments to stem the further mass deterioration of their common sense.  Reyn thinks they are attracted by his snappy ad campaigns.  Rumor has it this numbnutz is planning to have 610 Buchanan Blvd designated as a “Historical Site” and conduct tours of the bathroom where nothing happened except the “exotic dancer” might have lost a couple of her “pop-on” nails.  (Admit it … you thought her actual fingernails were pulled out by THOSE AWFUL BOYS on that fateful night.) … nope, just using cheap glue w/ her “pop on” talons.

   Yo Reyn … howsabout some cardboard “exotic dancers” that visitors could get their pictures taken “not sodomizing”?  

   But Reyn is not the worst of the sorry lot …… meet Mr District Attorney.

   Michael Nifong is up for re-election in 22 days.  46 families reputations are forever tarnished so this slimeball can keep his job.  22 days he has to convince the local goggle-eyed lynch mob that if they vote for him, he’ll give’em some rich white boys they can roast over an open flame.  Cornel Wilde starred in a terrifying African safari flick in 1966 called The Naked Prey that included a very frightening scene in which the evil white hunters were tortured and mutilated by African tribesmen.  It is nightmare scary on a Deliverence level.  I understand Mike Nifong is handing out DVDs of The Naked Prey if you let him stick a yard sign in your front yard.

   That sicko Lacrosse kid’s e-mail (IF even it’s legitimate?) was bad … that it “was leaked” to the media was purely a grandstand stunt by Nifong to keep his constiuents likkered up until they can choose him as their leader.  Raleigh Legal Star, Wade Smith, has joined the Lacrosse Legal Dream Team further putting this waaaaaay out of Nifong’s LSAT score league.

   Nifong may end up with the ultimate legacy … his name becomes “a verb” … “to nifong” will mean to sacrifice any anonymous group to achieve your personal purpose.  Just keep it alive for 22 days … then “who cares” … right Mike?

   In the end, after the inevitable street riots and shootings, Michael Nifong will be ridiculed by the white community and despised by the black community … a fate he will bring upon himself.  He will not be living within 100 miles of Derm three years from now.

   The local “drive-by media” is finally starting to “smell a Tawana”.  We smelled “a Tawana” two weeks ago.  WPTF’s morning drive guy apparently thought he could edge out Katie Couric for that Dan Rather chair.  He jumped all over “the rich white boys were mean to that poor little college student” and scored multiple national TV and radio mention.  Katie still got the CBS gig and he is left holding his little you-know-what in his hand and blubbering “what I REALLY meant was”.  Turns out he was crammed in a PE locker in the 8th grade by some arrogant “jocks” and this was his chance to get even.  …… As FACTS emerge to refute media bombast, like SNL’s Gilda Radner’s Emily Latella, the self-righteous “drive-by media” assassins just see the carnage THEY created and say, “Nevermind”.

   The N&O has royally embarrassed itself so much over this travesty that individual columnists’ apologies would be impossible.  There will be no apologies from them.  Humility is not a part of their nature.  Their writers will be diverted to “other stories” and its crusading columnists will refocus on school redistricting and the color of street lights in downtown Raleigh.  Shame shame shame …  The “suits” on South McDowell Street are now the very self-righteous poison that Josephus Daniels wanted to be “a tocsin” against.  Josephus would be ashamed … so very ashamed.

   If MY anger over this crap scares you … you don’t want to be anywhere around Mizzus Swagger these days.  She was fuming so Monday night, I had to shoot her with a tranquilizer dart to get her down off the ceiling.


 Swagger’s Stumper  

The Krzyzewski “coaching tree” is flowering again in The Big 12.

Which former Dookie just took up residence?  


  Duke now has forced a coach to resign because his college athletes were drinking underage and holding rowdy parties.  If the NCAA adopts this guideline, “The NCAA” will be reduced to the Bob Jones University Quoits team and Liberty’s girls’ field hockey.  Gross over-reaction … geeez, never known liberal academics to do that before !!!  BobLee proposes the families of Duke Lacrosse sue Duke for $100,000,000 and use the entire settlement to benefit REAL victims of sexual abuse and rape in America.

If Lee Fowler fails to land Calipari, the news will be delayed for 12 hours to enable the about to be disemboweled AD to join a “Federal AD protection program”.  

Cynthia McKinney is checking on gerrymandering Derm into “her district” … 

   Memphis State’s Gene Bartow was John Wooden’s “Phil Bengston”.

E-mail BobLee at

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