Baseball, Apple Pie & Khevrolets???

January17/ 2000

… Say It Ain’t So Abner Doubleday! … Our “National Pasttime” hijacked by “Castro’s godless commies of the Caribbean & the folks who brought you Pearl Harbor”.… Dinah Shore’s favorite automobile is shamelessly hawked by “the foul-mouthed demon seed hisownself”.  .… and back home, Ol’ Roy’s Golden Children finally played “like Freshmen” and ‘tween Hillsborough St and Western Blvd ambivalence reigns….  Big 10+ Commish Jim Delany claims March Madness “overrated”.

    It would have been different if Bud Selig had sent the kids who won the Little League WORLD Championship in Williamsport.  Fifteen lovable “Bad News Bears” from Bogaloosa coached by a pharmacist from the local Walgreen’s would have captured America’s heart going head to head with Castro’s evil blood thirsty Caribbean commies or Tojo’s Kamikaze warriors from the Land of The Rising Sun.  But alas, tweren’t so.  It was Derek and A-Rod and Roger and several dozen other multi-bazillionaires from Baseball’s Steroid Era … and the sumbitches didn’t even make “the Final Four”.

The US of A did not even make the World Baseball Final Four !!! and the only way we even made it as far as we did is that Bud kept making up tie-breaker rules as we stumbled along.  We could have used Bud Selig back in ’72 when the Russkies stole Olympic Gold from Hank Iba’s boys.

Of the two teams in the WORLD BASEBALL CLASSIC “finals” (Cuber and Japan), there are only two MLB players in the whole bunch.  Ichiro and some other guy.  Will they even play OUR National Anthem before the game?  Will they serve OUR hot dogs at the stadium concessions for all the Cuban fans sure to attend?  I propose a national savenger hunt to find ONE, just ONE, sports bar in the “land of the free and the home of the brave” that will be showing “the finals”.  Unless, of course, Bud is smart enough to (TAA DAA) have Stacy Keibler throw out the first pitch wearing star-spangled hot pants and a America – Love It or Leave It cropped t-shirt.

Howsabout Ted Ferguson The Bud Light Daredevil watching 30 seconds of the final game without dissolving into terminal zenophobic narcolepsy?

 Can we legitimately call “The Fall Classic” the “WORLD SERIES” any more?  Not really.  Is this the finest hour for Communism since sputnik?  Great idea you had there, Bud.  What’s next … a new formula for Coke or a redesigned Edsel?


    And then there’s that other Godless union of “America’s Automobile – The Chevrolet”, with the profane Polish Prince of West Derm.  

“See the USA in your F-in Chevrolet, you Mutha-F*****s” 

   … It was one thing for Mike to hawk Amex under the gossamer thin guise of “Leadership” but now he’s simply “selling cars”.  Ya gotta think Mark Jacobson ain’t too happy.  

For non-Triangleites, Mark Jacobson is our resident “yell really loud while being outrageous” local pitchman for his Derm Toyota dealership.

Is there anything “wrong” with Mike Krzyzewski “selling cars” in a national commercial during the NCAA playoffs … no, not really.  College basketball lost any pretense of purity when John Wooden claimed he didn’t know Sam Gilbert.  BobLee thinks the Carolinas Ford Dealers missed a great opportunity in not hiring Ol’ Roy tp pitch Fords in competing commercials then comparing showroom traffic.


    ACC Commish “Little Johnny” Swofford has two teams still dancing … two more than does his old classmate Big 10+ Commish Jim Delany.  Of course one of Little Johnny’s still dancing teams is one he pilfered from Mike Tranghese’s Big East … who coincidentally has FOUR freakin’ teams still dancing.  

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    A SSays reader asked us Monday morning “do those guys on Franklin Street know who George Mason is now?”  The answer is “no”.  UNCers simply dumped George in with Mr Weber from Weber State in the “whozits who beat us because the refs cheated” pile.

    To be fair and complimentary to the Franklin Street loonies, a post mortem late Sunday found the general mood to be “still a terrific season by a great bunch of kids”.  A few loons yapped about “crooked refs” but they were in the minority.  Roy’s Golden Children finally “played like freshmen” and the curtain dropped on a most special season.  As we noted a few weeks ago … never again in our lifetime will the stars be so aligned that Carolina BB fans can enjoy a season as underdogs with marginal expectations.  “That Duke game” was indeed “special” and the euphoria that enveloped that singular contest is how sports should be enjoyed.

For all its excitement, March Madness insures that only one team finishes its season with a W.  (Don’t even try to tell me “what about the NIT winner? … PUHLEEZE! … that’s like runner-up to Miss Congeniality in the Cucumber Queen Contest.) …  In “Big Time” college football, 26 teams finishes with bowl Ws.  There is something to be said for both formats.

Over in West Rawlee no one knows quite what to think.  Herb actually did not use the “not the Princeton offense” in the first half against Rick and was “in the game”.  Unfortunately they played two halves and it got a bit out of hand.  Earlier Sunday in an N&O interview, Rick Barnes, aka “The Wuff Spurrier”, defended the maligned, embattled and beleagured Herb almost to the point of over-kill. One more paragraph and Rick would have had Herb personally finding a cure for Alzheimers and settling “the Middle East crisis”.

So what’s next in WuffWorld?  No reason to expect Herb to leave voluntarily or otherwise.  The screamin’ meemees will dissipate especially with Roy’s Boys also being “done”.  Packpride will keep a few threads open for the “WE ARE TOO AN ELITE BB SCHOOL” bunch to gather, drink battery acid and belch bile on each other.  Come next December the very intelligent and very nice Herb will lead his team of very nice student-athletes against an OOC schedule of area community colleges and “U Too Can Learn To Draw” matchbook schools.  They will be 10-2 on January 1, will finish 20-8 including annual crushing defeats to the local juggernauts.  Herb will dance for the 6th straight years and all the same old same old will repeat itself all over again.  Herb “Sisyphus” Sendek is simply chained to a treadmill locked permanently on “not quite good enough by comparison”.


    So now the Tar Heel Nation turns its full attention to The Tar Heel Tadpole – Ivory LattaPLEASE PLEASE PLEASE watch one of the Women’s games before they eventually succumb to the unbelievable bracketing bulls**t trap set for them by “the selection committee”.  We don’t usually get all torgued about such things but THIS IS a travesty.   

The rest of America waits breathlessly for the big George Mason v Wichita battle.  Maybe they should have George Mason v Wichita as a doubleheader pay-per-view along with Cuber v Japan? … and have Coach K riding that stoopid buckin’ chicken.  


 Swagger’s Stumper

 What’s the link betweeen

The movie “MASH” … TV show Friends … Barbra Streisand?


    Wild Thing’s league prior to joining the Indians was “California Penal”.  One of the truly great two word lines in cinema history.  

Want to e-mail BobLee?

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