BALCO … BCS … and Chuck

January17/ 2000

.. Memo To Victor Conti: No body likes you and what “you did” to baseball. … … Memo To BCS: No body likes you either.  Time to divorce those goofy yahoos in the ugly blazers … … Memo To Chuck:  Many still like you … but not “as many” or quite “as much”…  Your loonies demanded you get rid of a coordinator.  I guess you showed them, huh? … and one more … Kevin White is in soooo much more trouble than Dickie ever was.

   I understand from legal “pundits” that a certain segment of the general public found Scott Peterson “sympathetic”.  I rather suspect that was the daughters of moms who bought Eddie Haskell’s BS.  I understand the judicial system well enough to know that “the court of public opinion” obeys no rules of law beyond “there’s just something about that guy”.  Based on that Mr. V. Conti of BALCO is in deep trouble.  File a complaint with the Italian-American Anti-defamation League; but, Victor, you are crookedier than Lombard Street.

   I do not put Victor on the level of scumbags that peddle drugs on school playgrounds.  I grant that professional athletes rely on their physical rather than intellectual skills to prevail but I do hold them responsible for the endless messes they do manage to get themselves into.  We want to believe that somehow Victor got Marion “hooked on drugs” because we want to like Marion … nobody wants to like Victor.

   Can Barry skate via the classic “Duh!” defense?  No … at least no further than the parking lot at Petco/Candlestick/Kezar/RiceARoni Park.  If I am picking a jury to try Barry, I want 12 Giants season ticket holders and/or those loonies that float around in McCovey Cove.  No body likes Barry Bonds.  Is it because “he’s black”?  Partially … the “because he’s black” crowd dwindles but has a shelf life of at least another 100 years.  Heck … if some folks can hate Secretary of State Rice and Justice Thomas “because they are black” then shouldn’t “Jeff in Richmond” have the same right relative to Barry?  I’m pretty sure Hank Aaron’s displeasure is not racially-motivated.

   Baseball will not take away any of Barry’s accomplishments to date.  He hasn’t admitted to anything that everyone except GrandMa Bonds didn’t already know.  Barry has cultivated public animosity like few others of the mega-stars have ever managed to do.  The only time the average sports fans “likes” Barry Bonds is when he is standing in the batter’s box … then we are mesmerized by him.


   Forget Pete Rose … Barry is more akin to Gaylord Perry.  Gaylord is a HoFer … Barry is no more, or no less, a “cheat” than Gaylord was.  And, once and again … “andro” was NOT a banned substance when Mark McGwire took it.  Cork WAS a banned substance when Sammie used it “just that once”. Do we “take away” all of Bonds HRs or just shorten each one by; oh say, 27′. 

   Memo to Jason Giambi:  You had an awful year lowlighted by some mysterious ailment.  The Yankees had the biggest collapse in baseball history under THE most embarrassing of circumstances.  You did not pull a “Kirk Gibson” to save the day.  If you had, you would be a hero regardless, you did not so you are a $100,000,000 drug bust.  George will NOT put this bust in monument park in centerfield.

   In my BobLee ALIVE tour I always pose the question “Who cheats in recruiting?”  The universal answer of course is “they do!” with “they” being “the other team, especially our lowdown no-count rivals.  It will be the same with “steroids”.  Anyone who “bulks up” will be “roided” unless of course it’s one of “our guys”.  “Our guys” do it with a combination of Mom’s apple pie, carrying crippled fat people up three flights of stairs, and reciting Homer’s Illiad in the original Greek.

Any retaliation to Bonds or to Giambi will ignite a Salem Witch Trial of finger pointing.  The list of “roided witches” will include everyone in MLB bigger than Fred Patek.  Except, of course, “our guys”.

   C.J. Hunter quietly left the employ of N.C. State University last week.  I kept waiting for Heel loons to blame Mario’s bigness on C.J.’s medicine cabinet … Julius’, of course, was via Mamma Peppers’ chicken & dumplings. 


   Everyone (except USC and OU fans) is feeling sorry for Auburn.  One moron of incredible proportions was demanding a joint Senate-House investigation of the injustice perpetrated on those poor War Eagles.  It was the way it was set up when the season began. It’s a very imperfect system … so is giving college scholarships to 18 y/os with 6th grade reading comprehension who are only interested in an NFL degree.

   UNC wuzzles are, of course, all atwitter at Texas getting the Rose Bowl bid over Cal.  Mack-Hate is a life-long affliction for those sad souls.  Supposedly EVERYBODY on Earth hates Mack Brown yet his “impassioned pleas” were successful in getting his Longhorns to Pasadena. I’m not sure that makes sense but all the more reason it must be so I suppose.

   There is absolutely no subject or occurrence relative to the world of sports about which numbskulls fans cannot devise a Machiavellian conspiracy.  Nothing simply “happens” … it is always the result of shady shenanigans done by “them” agin “us”.  Conspiracy-mania is one of many similarities between Wuffie and Heel fans.  It is harmless until you learn that a handful of these galoots are actually chronological adults.

   There will eventually be some form of playoff system in Division 1-A football.  The sanctimonious objections of the university presidents becomes more laughable with each 801 SAT score stamped “ADMIT” and with each 3-year firing.  The cozy relationships with the good ol’ bowl boys can be finessed by throwing enough $$$ at them.  The logistics of some playoff format is easily manageable … hell, I can direct the NCAA to about eleventeen gazillion brackets drawn up on napkins in sports bars all across America.

The BCS Guys have, of course, given sports fans exactly what they crave almost as much as a cheerleader wardrobe malfunction … CONTROVERSY!  Being able to bitch and moan about something absolutely irrelevent is at the core of sports.  Unless you are the Auburn comptroller, the aftermath of all the bowl hubba hubba will be forgotten by January 5.

   I admit I do not spend too much time fretting about “poor Auburn” or “poor Southern Cal” last year, or poor whoever next year.  I find the “rewards” of college football to be in those regular season “events” euphemistically called “games”. The color and pageantry associated with those gatherings are quite enjoyable.  Not having a “true champion” does not leave me unfulfilled.  I didn’t feel sorry for those “poor Auburn people” at the 2001 Peach Bowl nor do I now.  In fact, the thought that Bobby Lauder is pissed kinda makes my day.  He’s the jerk that tried to hire the Louisville coach before he could get Tommy Tubberville fired a year ago.


   The Reggie Herring move guarantees that Chuck will be “ripe” for the WPC caravan this spring.  If he sticks to his support for Noel Mazzone, he will have some ‘splainin’ to do to those LTR buyers.  Chuck has never been in a “splainin” position over the past five years.  

   The measure of a man comes in how he handles adversity.  A % of Wuff fans are, of course, quite comfortable with any combination of conspiracy theories involving Jim Knight, Caulton Tudor, John Swofford, and Mike O’Cain’s Aunt Sophie … but the rank and file ain’t gonna buy it. Chuck will need a few 5-star Blue Chip recruits to tout.  One wonders if Urban has a favorite parking spot at Killian High YET. 

   Heel vultures are claiming TA and a host of other NCSU “student-athletes” are getting a tad lax in their academic pursuits.  Of course, Heel fans have long claimed that TA has more illegitimate children than he does credit hours.  Smart money probably says TA has played his last game as a Wolfpacker … Tar Heels will quickly find a new whipping boy.

   Cavaliers going to Boise ??? … Who would have figured that back in September?  I guess that’s why we play out the whole season … huh?


Swagger’s Stumper

Who was Sonny Crockett’s partner?


   Dalton was “the cooler” at The Double Deuce.  Any guy who knew “Dalton” and knows that “Bumbles bounce” has his priorities well arranged.

   There IS something I personally detest more than the pathetic fascination with “recruiting” but this time of the year I can’t think what it might be … NOTHING is more symptomatic of the problems with college athletics than fans fawning all over 18 y/os. 

   I have done some checking and that sign that Rashad McCants makes as he runs back downcourt is not demonic nor a signal to his gangsta buddies to hot wire some Fat Cat’s Lexus.  Apparently it’s quite harmless, if anything Rashad does qualifies as “harmless”.  Tar Heel BB running on all cylinders right now, as expected.  I see as many as 4-5 Ls waiting in January-mid Feb but Ol’ Roy is “in charge” and that’s a good thing.

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