Bad Boyz Bad Boyz

January17/ 2000

GUESS WHAT … the 3rd ghost of the “New ACC” visited John Swofford’s nightmare earlier this week.  You recall Willie Williams and Marcus Vick from “last week”. Old News.  Now we have Miami defensive back Antrel Rolle jailed for felonious assault on a police officer. We won’t be able to keep a running count as these mount up; but hopefully the “Big Time Football” crowd will begin to see what their passion has wrought.  Of course … BobLee has a solution!

A recap from past columns around this issue …

Two Golden Rules of Athlete Thuggery:

  1. When it’s one of “ours” … he is ALWAYS  “a good kid” who has had a tough go of it … he’s really come a long way and deserves a break … the charge is trumped up by a policeman who is a fan of our worst rival … let the judicial process play out before you condemn him.
  1. When it’s one of “theirs” … Another typical one of “their” thugs … that’s why we didn’t even recruit him … I hear he has over a dozen “priors” … “they” have been covering up for him since he arrived on campus … I heard from “a reliable source” that he sells cocaine at day care centers and rapes grandmas at nursing homes … screw the judicial process, Get A Rope!

   I swear to you my friends as sure as I am that Molly Broad has never lap danced at Dockside Dolls … the above bizarre dialogue has taken place with EVERY athlete vs society altercation in the long history of UNC. Duke, NC State … look it up.  “Our boys” are unfortunate paragons of virtue and “their” hooligans are lowlife dung beetles.  In the fantasy world of the Lunatic Fringe it will always be so …

   But until now it was 95% “boys will be boys … wild oats” kinda stuff.  Oh, an occasional dozen jocks beating the crap out of geek … or a pizza delivery boy in the wrong place at the wrong time … or some uppity little gal who got outta line and needed a lesson in respecting a 275 lb no-neck clod … but nothing “really serious”. Now we have “student athletes” at Big Time Schools showing us how BCS schools spell “misdemeanor”. 

   When the ACC was just a “basketball conference” and content with The Gator Bowl (except for FSU of course) our incoming “student athletes” were oriented on where the library was and how to Drop-Add.  Starting this Fall our “New ACC young men” will be oriented on the Miranda Act and given the 24 hour number of a friendly bail bondsman. Yee Haa … we be BIG TIME now. 

   I have this vision of Bill Friday standing at Frank Porter Graham’s graveside and muttering 

   “Frank, I tried. I really did.  I hemmed and I hawed so much I got all the goggle-eyed loonies really mad with me … but when Little Johnny Swofford pulled his midnight raid on the Big East I was bumfuzzled.  I thought Uncle Mott and Homer Rice and Gene Corrigan had taught Johnny better. I’m so sorry Frank … but, hey, with the extra $$$ maybe Moeser can put some petunias on your grave on University Day.”


Swagger’s Stumper

Three Parter

Who was Josh Randall – Bounty Hunter?

What was his firearm?

What was his gun’s name?

A Toughie!

Maha, Ricky, Harley, and RedunDick will be sweatin’ bullets … hehehe


   Let’s be fair to Miami and VaTech and FSU (why be fair??? … I don’t know why, it just seems the polite thing to do).  Check out other Big Time Football programs.  Ohio State GOOD LORD! They could film a remake of The Longest Yard there and have enough convicts to fill both benches.  They have so many miscreants they don’t count’em unless there are actual gunshots involved. For their Spring Game half their squad was wearing orange jumpsuits.

   Penn State … JoPa say it ain’t so.  Old Joe is piling up the Bad Boyz so fast it’ll be State Penn before he finally retires.  And Penn State ain’t even any good any more.  What’s the point of having your entire defensive line wearing those ankle alarm thingies restricting them to the weightroom and girls dorm … if you still lose 7-8 games a year.

   Remember Barry Switzer the acknowledged King of Collegiate Thuggery.  It’s been almost 20 years since his “student athletes” broke out the AK-47s and treated Norman like Beirut on a Saturday night.  But Ol’ Barry knew “Just Win Barry, Just Win” and his overly aggressive young men could rape and pillage like Quantrill’s Raiders and be home free.

    Above I said BobLee has a solution … I do.  The standard “athletic department official statement” is always “we will handle this internally” … TRANSLATION … we are quite pissed that this knucklehead “got caught”.  What’ll it take to pay off this gal so she won’t press charges . … the “internal handling” is “dawn patrol” wherein the cretinous knucklehead meets an assistant strength and conditioning coach at 5 AM and does push-ups and gassers until he throws up the 40 oz of Colt 45 from the night before.

   Punishing an athlete by having him do physical exercise.  DUH! What’s next … punishing fat boys for gaining weight by forcing him to work at a Baskin Robbins and giving him his own spoon?  I do believe Uncle Remus taught this one in Bre’r Rabbit and the Briar Patch.  “Oh please, Coach, don’t make me do more push-ups. I learned my lesson. I won’t steal stuff when folks are looking any more.”

   If the punishment is not “public” you may assume it was a wrist slap with a linguine whip.  If you want to get a cocky jock’s attention EMBARRASS HIM.  Specifically embarrass him in front of the “normal students” that he lords it over around campus … and you do that by INSULTING HIS MANHOOD!  All jocks have terminal homophobia.


Justice Swagger Style

  RULE ONE:  If your name shows up on a police report for ANY REASON WHATSOEVER. 24 hours from the date of that report… 

   You will be body painted head to toe in “hot pink” and your toe nails painted purple.  Wearing a Richard Simmons shorts and t-shirt ensemble you will be chained to the front steps of the library from 7AM until 5 PM wearing a sign 

“My name is (your name). I am a jackass. My stupidity has brought shame to me, my family, this University, my teammates, and to all you pencil necked geeky real students.  I must stay here until 500 of you twerps sign this petition saying you forgive me.”

You cannot speak to anyone. You will be fed two large burritos each hour but not allowed to go to the rest room.

2nd Offenses … will involve public circumsion by the ugliest lesbian on campus using a pair of rusty hedge clippers.

3rd Offenses … none anticipated


   Now, Ol’ Swagger is just guessing … but do ya think cocky jock will think twice before he puts a headlock on a sheriff’s deputy, or holds up a C-store for $10 and a case of PBR, or drags his little gal out on the front lawn and tattoos his initials on her with a branding iron?

   Little Johnny Swofford wouldn’t listen to me last Winter.  Maybe he is more receptive as these thug nightmares become migraines.

Yee Haa … The ACC is Big Time Now! 

New SwaggerSays Feature

   BobLee will scour the various Internet Fan Hate Parlours and bring you the very latest in intellectual artistry from the loonie mobs.  We will simply post the quote and which school’s fan base was responsible.  Darwinian Theorists please pay attention.

Message Board Wisdom

  From A UNC Fan Board:

“If we lose that first game to William & Mary, I’m going to be worried”

Richard Deacon played Lumpy’s Dad and Mel Cooley and probably dozens of similar prigs over his career.

   Great Time In Greensboro.  BobLee had a ball with 150+ Rotarians in Greensboro on Wednesday.  Broke in some new material and got boffo reviews.  One more appearance in Gate City and Swagger will officially OWN THE TOWN!  High Point is next … then Wilson … then back to Triad … moving targets are harder to hit.  Another TV gig in the works.  Life is good!

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