With Christmas you are allowed to keep the tree up and stay in the mood thru New Years Day. But the “we beat State” decorations came crashing down across Tar Heelia less than 36 hours after TA met Kahliff at the one. Yep, The Three Amigos of “Cheech” Bowman, “Chong” Sparkman, and “Puff” Thomas grabbed the headlines REAL QUICK. This one touches every faction of the UNC fan base … from “the holier than thou snoots” all the way down to “the Dickie hating BCS or Bust” crowd. BobLee, of course, saw this one coming 6 months ago.
Remember me telling you about John Bunting’s Spring Strategy? In the aftermath of “losing the bell” last November John had to come up with something to appease the angry mob during the annual Spring Just Two Victories Tour aka Rams Club Rally thingies. John went with a tried and true formula … he played the “character card”. “We are recruiting the “right kind of kid”. We are recruiting “Carolina-type” young men. The sort you will be proud to have representing your university.”
I, and 700+ others, was at the Rams Club Rally in Rolly last May. I was sitting with Big Bobby and Ms Wanda. As soon as John started dealing the character cards, me and Big Bobby commenced to giggling. Ms Wanda told us to hush but it was too funny. You see, me and Big Bobby know all about “Carolina-type kids” and “Carolina student athletes”. Been there, done that, bailed’em out and paid for the abortions … etc.
In defense of John, it was absolutely the right strategy for the time. He knew the Fat Cat Snoots get all warm and fuzzy thinking every Carolina athlete is a God fearin’, Mother lovin’, Ma’am and Sir spoutin’ Eagle Scout who actually attends class. What they didn’t know would not hurt John nearly as much as “the reality”. That reality is that UNC and NCSU recruit the exact same Billy Blue Chips (except for the Killian Gang which belong solely to Chuck). Tennessee, Clemson, FSU, and all those other “rogue schools” recruit the same players UNC does.
Mother Swagger passed on 3 years ago at 93 but for the last 40 years of her life she employed a very simplistic view towards life’s little unpleasant thoughts. She totally blocked them out. Mother Swagger used Rusty Clark as THE Quintessential Carolina Athlete. Rusty was tall, athletic, a Morehead Scholar, a future doctor … and whiter than a 7’ loaf of Wonder Bread. Mother Swagger took great comfort in those qualities.
Now mamma was the extreme I realize. 90% of the rest of you see Carolina athletes on a much broader scale … you include Steve Hale and Bobby Jones in your scenario. Your Tar Heel Dream Team usually includes MJ and Phil because, well because NO ONE is so bigotedly stoopid as to leave them out … but JR Reid, Rasheed, Nakhtar, McGinness and the like fade off the picture really quickly. And even MJ’s extracurricular activities and Phil’s little secret are excused as “unfortunate illnesses”. And the hypocrisy rages on.
As soon as the Saga of The Three Amigos hit the papers and the Internet, the oh-so-predictable hypocrisy walls went up. “All they did was smoke a little weed” … “Everybody does it” … “What’s the big deal?” … “Let the legal process play out.” … “It’s Baddour and Moeser’s fault !!!” … “ It’s a bad law, maybe Adarius has glaucoma” … “Find who ratted them out and kill the sorry SOB” … yes, another great moment in Tar Heel history for our “world’s greatest fans” to sink to the bottom of the tank.
Among my litany of personal “shouldn’t haves” is not “smokin’ weed or “doin’ drugs” at all. I’ll leave the morality of the offense to others. The hypocrisy of my fellow Tar Heels smells worse than the burning hemp.
How come “smokin’ a little weed” is quite OK in Chapel Hill but a capital felony deserving of immediate lynching if one’s name is JJ Riddick and you do it in a dorm room in West Derm? Not only did our broad minded fans expect JJ to “die die die” but thought his evil rat-faced coach should be disemboweled along with him. The hypocrisy rages on.
And speaking of comparables … since when did stealing from a Dillard’s in Tallahassee become one of the Seven Deadly Sins … but stealing from a Wal-Mart in Derm is a “boys will be boys” prank? Tar Heel loonies were more mortified that a Carolina Man would even go into a Wal-Mart than that he bypassed the cashier in leaving. Hey, David, next time take your five finger discounts at Nordstrom’s @ SouthPoint. After all “We ARE Carolina!”
Surely you all recall when one of those Seminole “Warricks” (Dunn, Peter, Dionne, or Warrick Janokowski ??) knocked off that Tallahassee Dillard’s. UNCers chortled over that one for over 2 years. Bobby said tisk tisk, suspended him for a couple of Div-3 warm up scrimmages then reinstated him for the games that mattered. UNCers went nutz in righteous indignation. Our Wal-Mart punter sat out one game and had his Sam’s Club card revoked.
Who recalls K Mays and his gang stomping the crap out of a geek outside a Franklin Street club in Carl’s first year? Mays knew the rules of the bad boy game … always have an insignificant walk-on in the gang to take the rap. Sure enough, Carl lined up the 7-8 malefactors and carefully selected a human sacrifice that played backup to the nerd that wears the Rameses suit. K Mays and the rest of the geek kickers got Gator Bowl rings … the walk-on got the shaft. Hypocrisy rages on.
Who can forget the “pissed off posse” at Mad Matt’s public execution. Everyone knows by now that The Dickster played a key role in that one. For reasons known only to white-haired chipmunks, The Little Prince thought having six student athletes dressed as petulant mall rats would be a nice decorating touch as he and Meez roasted Mad Matt. Mortified snoots accused the N&O of photoshopping “those scary looking colored boys” into the picture. For the record those “scary looking colored boys” are the foundation of Ol’ Roy’s Revival of Tar Heel Basketball Glory.
When King Rice put his fist through a wall at the Chapel Hill Police Dept, indignant Tar Heel fans accused the City of Chapel Hill of building that wall in the wrong place … probably designed by a NCSU architect.
UNC and Duke have recruited the exact same blue chip basketball players since the days of Larry Miller and Charlie Scott to Danny Ferry, Grant Hill, Dunleavy, Laettner, Randolph, Battier, et al. They are all Eagle Scouts until the moment they sign with Duke at which point they immediately become felonious pedophilic homosexuals … every single one of them. Hypocrisy rages on.
Heel fans and Wuffie fans even agree on one point. Whenever one of their own outstanding young student-athletes has a momentary “lapse of good judgement” and jaywalks, those blood sucking tabloid “journalists” at the N&O make a BFD out of it. Yet, when one of those repeat offender thugs at that horrid place 28 miles away shoots up another orphanage and rapes a busload of nuns … it’s hushed up and buried among the classifieds on page 14. Hypocrisy rages on.
Don’t it just beat all, Andy?
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Swagger’s Stumper
He was Ed Sullivan’s mouse
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Lydia’s Picks
Well, at least Cedric Benson won’t have to make a choice between the Heisman and a National Championship…he won’t win either. Debate over Mac Brown gets more coverage than presidential debate. Did you know that it is being rumored that FL will make a pre-emptive strike to hire Steve Spurrier before he goes to UNC or South Carolina? I am NOT making this up! And there is no “FireRonZoonk” website! Schizophrenic personalities in the SEC have turned this conference into a psych ward –the best doctor (I mean coach) will win.
FSU V. UVA – Sexton starts third game as Seminoles try to keep ACC champion hopes alive while UVA is bragging about being the new kid on the block. FSU OT Travis Johnson says that this will be a “lunch packing game, a blue-collar game – nasty and dirty”. Cavaliers don’t show, as this type of event is not something they choose to attend.
OSU V. Iowa – The Buckeyes thought they were going to contend for the Big 10 title this year, but someone forgot to tell the other teams. Panic may turn to desperation if Hawkeyes win on Saturday. Gosh, it was so much easier when Tressel only had to decide what to serve with Clarett….OSU QB Zwick better fix things quickly or he’ll be on the bench. OSU wins – but fans are edgy…
Miami V. Louisville – Hurricanes rely on running game as Berlin is falling, I mean faltering…The Cardinal hopes to attack from all sides and put Berlin in a vise. Is it true that a rolling stone gathers no “moss”? The field is filled with bloody “gore” as Louisville plays its biggest game to date. I’m calling this an upset special.
UNC V. Utah – How many lives does John Bunting have? More than originally thought. Born again Tar Heels win again against stunned Utes — and they don’t have help from the refs!
Purdue V. Wisconsin – Has the torch been passed to a new generation? Sure seems that way in the Big 10. This match of unbeatens features Heisman hopeful Orton (who cut his “Beatle-like” hair to make himself more marketable) against a stingy Badger defense. Boilermakers win and rise in the polls. Kyle, I looked your shaggy look better!
NC State V. Maryland – Wolfpack suffer from “wounded knee” debacle of last week – will the injury be fatal? MD also in a tailspin as hopes come to a screaming halt in this ACC battle of has beens. Glory Days are over, over, over! Roundball can’t come soon enough…State wins a close one.
Auburn V. Arkansas – The War Eagles are soaring high as only undefeated team in the SEC. Razorback fans fill Cadillac’s tank with hog feed and cause him to have engine trouble. Upset special # 2 as this win redeems Arkansas’ season. And yes, I am choosing with my heart and not my head!
USC V. AZ State – Prez debate is at AZ State. Wildcats looking for the upset and ask both candidates to attend game as they can’t make up their mind who they really want. Pete Carroll once again shows why his teams win…poise and resiliency are the keys to the unflappable Trojans. They will bend but they will not break.
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George “Kingfish” Stevens was married to “Sapphire” … Algonquin J Calhoon was the “Johnny Cochrane” character and “Lightnin’” was simply “Lightnin’”.
Swagger had a long chat with veteran NFL referee Jerry Austin on Wednesday. He says the first official never should have signaled the TD without confirming with his partner on the other side of the line of scrimmage.
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