An Al Bundy Attacks Mr Swagger

January17/ 2000

  Not quite a face to face confrontation but as direct as these sickos are capable of … BobLee spoke to the Triad Sports Club on Tuesday.  Assemblage of 80+ “business-types” average age 40+.  Great guys, program very well-received, lively Q&A, etc.  Gigged looney fans concentrating on looney UNCers as always.  But lurking in the weeds was a for real “Al Bundy” … a human carbuncle so filled with puss and venom he near ‘bout bust.

   A BobLee ALIVE “show” is a combo of topical gigs at regional sports fans plus a plea for all sports fans to “lighten up” and treat sports as a diversion from the harsher realities of daily life … because SPORTS DOES NOT MATTER! I always make it a point to “gig” my own Tar Heels the most for several reasons:

(1)     UNCers are the majority of attendees at civic club-type functions across NC. NCSU is 2nd statewide, Deacons strong in Triad area.  ECUers down east.  But UNCers are all over.

(2)     Tar Heel fans are “funny factories” … the “We Are Carolina” thingie … “Dean IS GOD” … “Sleeping giant” … Franklin Street Attitude, etc.  Whether real (in too many cases) or effected, the pompous arrogance persona is soooo easy to poke fun at.  95% of my UNC audiences enjoy laughing at themselves … as for the constipated 5% – to hell with’em. Tar Heels’ preoccupation with The Little Prince is a 10 minute skit by itself.

(3)     Being a Tar Heel I have somewhat of a license, and obligation, to gig “my own” as much/more than I gig others.

   The message in my comments is to lighten up and don’t allow “sports” to reach the combustible level that “politics” has already reached in this country.  It is now officially impossible for Liberal and Conservative neighbors and co-workers to have a “conversation” on issues or candidates involving differing opinions.  I don’t even try any more; and I used to be quite good at it.

   If society gets so uncivil that a State fan and a Carolina fan and a Duke fan cannot trade “friendly” barbs over the annual ebb and flow of “scoreboards” then we are reduced to elevator chats about the weather.  We are closer to that point that many of you may realize.

   Swagger met retired Greensboro N&R sports columnist Irwin Smallwood on Tuesday.  What a delightful fount of info about the characters and events of the ACC’s past 50 years.  We discussed how Frank Howard, Peahead Walker, and Bones McKinney would have handled todays Internet Loons … speaking of which:

   Enter a FOR REAL “Al Bundy” … among the legitimate business-type members of the Triad Sports Club lurked a genuine hard core freakzoid. This particular example of Married With Children’s stereotypical “Loser” is a WUFFIE.  He disguised that fact in his first e-mail assault, but admitted his true colors in his 2nd assault.  I should have guessed it any way.

   In a 500 word e-diatribe this clown threw “the kitchen sink” at Ol’ Swagger, but was really just looking for a chance to use all his newest homophobic slurs on anyone connected with UNC … a popular pastime among the Lowest of the Lupine.  Homophobia ranks just behind Paranoia among the infections befouling the Al Bundys of WuffWorld.  Put the two together and you have a very sad evolution of the human species. 

   This “Al Bundy” has taken homophobia to an All Pro level and, of course, ALL TAR HEELS ARE *&^%$#*$&*$#%.  I counted over a dozen separate euphemisms for “faggot” in his first two paragraphs alone.  It usually takes at least seven posts on to come up with that many.

    NOTE:  All regular SSays readers know how much Swagger values my wonderful Wuffie fans and friends.  I have waaay too many Wolfpack buddies to ever imply that “Wuffie dung beetles and sewer rats” are any more numerous or more putrid than the sad souls that slither in the sewers, shadows and back alleys along Franklin Street.  If there were only a way to eradicate these jackasses from all our fan bases. The rest of us could then make silly bets on the outcome of “games” and swap excuses about how “the refs stole it from us”. 

   Alas and alack, these sewer rats ain’t gojng away.  The anonyminity of the Internet gives them the “courage” to spread their scurrilous flatulence across the cyber landscape. That this particular sad soul was moving about in the daylight is noteworthy.  Like the killer bees migrating northward, “they” are getting bolder.  A Keyboard Koward without his keyboard is, however, still a “Koward”.


Swagger Stumper

Name The Original Purple People Eaters

… which one “ran the wrong way”


    I shared Al Bundy’s e-diatribe with some Official Wuffie mover/shaker types. They were shocked and quick to apologize, which was unnecessary. Duke Buck, my voice of wisdom from The Gothic Rockpile, recommended immediate counseling for the creature. Prince Albert, who eschews the Internet, “had no idea such pitiful sorts were out there”.  Redundant Dick remarked “I bet this guy has a very rich and fulfilling life – NOT!” I did not tell VineSwamp nor General Bill. They’d a tracked down the sumbitch and popped a cap on’em.

   I have received MUCH worse over the years.  My old columns consistently generated hollow threats of bodily harm and comments about my Mamma and Daddy.  Usually the uber-nasty crap comes from the “Bud Bundys”, fuzzy-cheeked freaks of the 15-25 age range.  Their vocabulary and phraseology quickly gives them away.  Typing obscenities seems to provide some sort of sexual turn-ons for these maladjusted mutants.

   Being an Internet Legend, raconteur, and Sayer of Silliness is all in all a most enjoyable occupation.  I regularly meet the nicest folks you could ever imagine of all team persuasions.  In no way have I “given up” on the human race.  The last vestiges of civility may indeed be hanging by a gossamer thread in our society … but it DOES still exist.  

   BobLee Swagger is near-Quixotic in my compulsion to silence these pitifully pathetic punks that are determined to steal the enjoyment of sports from us.  On brave steed … Windmills await us!

Murray Slaughter left WJM in Minneapolis to captain the Pacific Princess as Merrill Steubing.  Falling hopelessly in love w/ aging actresses and heiresses with incurable diseases.

BobLee at Wilson Rotary next Monday at noon … Greensboro Kiwanis next Thursday AM … West Charlotte Rotary on Wed – August 18 at noon.

That last column did indeed “get passed around quicker than a $2.00 hooker at a West Texas truck stop”.

BLS had a terrific chat with new Tar Heel buddies after the Triad show … compared Larry Miller and Art Heyman.

Problems of ANY sort with opting in or out ??? … send note to BLS … he can “fix it”! 

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