A Riotous Rite of Passage

January17/ 2000

.. Remember those classic World War II GI movies?  The “platoon” always had the same demographics (this was pre-PC diversity).  You had “the Italian kid from Brooklyn”, “the Midwest farm boy”, “the hillbilly”, “the Indian”, and “Sarge” who had “seen it all”.  … … It’s Final Four Weekend and we find another time honored stereotype front and center – THE STUDENT FAN.  The 2005 version is armed with cell phones, iPODs and laptops but that delightfully irresponsible arrogance is straight from central casting’s archives … and always will be.   

   If Carolina wins the National Championship there will be a riotous celebration on Franklin Street resulting in X number of disorderly conduct arrests and property damage.  If Carolina does NOT win the National Championship on Monday, there will be a riotous celebration resulting in X number of disorderly conduct arrests and property damage in Champaign, Louisville, or East Lansing.  The only difference in how these student fan bases will react will be the color of the paint that will be splattered on the local streets and buildings.

   Students, swallows, lemmings, and salmon are pretty easy to predict.  They are all creatures of habit and respond to some deep genetic predetermined stimulus-response mechanism that goes back to the dawn of civilization. If film were available, what may take place Monday night will be eerily similar to what took place in 1957, 1982, and 1993 … except that the parents and grandparents of the current youthful rioters/celebrants did the unbridled mischief “back then”.

   Personally I’m not a “get drunk and join a mob of other drunks in outrageous behavior guy”, but I respect the “divine right” of those who are to do it.  I don’t own property in Chapel Hill nor do I intend to be anywhere near that scene.  “Something” will happen be it another torched Honda or a random shooting or a few broken storefront windows and certainly some sexual liberties will be taken with coeds who drown their inhibitions in alcohol.  I can’t blame the participants as it really is simply primal urges bubbling to the surface.

   Let’s hope that Franklin Street merchants and city and campus security personnel will be prepared and equipped to “handle” whatever happens.  There is no excuse for any/all to be unprepared.  This should not be like Raleigh’s Great Flurry of several months ago.

   Franklin Street celebrants circa 2005 will defiantly proclaim theirs is THE WILDEST celebration EVER … and their predecessors from out of the past will smugly defend their own “victory riot” as THE WILDEST.

UPDATE …….  After Saturday’s night victory over Mich State only 3 disorderly conduct arrests were reported on Franklin Street.  Fifty-seven fewer than were recorded in East Lansing where it got quite nasty at their Defeat Street Riot.  The Mich State Chancellor stated “it wasn’t as bad as we expected!” … 

   “College”, especially in a “college town” environment, is a unique once-in-a-lifetime rite of passage from 18 years of youthful irresponsibility to 50 years of “no one said life was fair” adulthood.  No one in their right mind should be in a hurry to make that jump.  Yeah, paychecks are fine but it’s those damn “expectations in return for” that paycheck that is a bummer.  Is it any wonder that cutting that Franklin Street umbilical cord is so darn hard for so darn many?

   It’s not just a UNC and North Carolina thing.  Living in Texas I learned that folks in Houston and folks in Dallas were always one-uping and insulting each other (kinda like Wuffs and Heels and Devils!) but they agreed on one issue … they ALL would rather live in Austin.  At least those with OrangeBlood.  I can’t speak for Aggies from College Station.  That collegiate “rite of passion” is a powerful memory aphrodisiac in times of adult dilemmas … which occur more often in adulthood than they tell you about in college.

Some people criticize “students” for “sophomoric humor” which generally involves either sex or toilet functions or sex on a toilet.  There is a reason such yuck yucks is not called “middle-aged law partner humor”.  If students can’t act “sophomoric” who can?  Each generation of students think their ribaltry is “original” … and Columbus thought he found the Indians who didn’t realize they were lost.

Students hate ALL adult authority figures.  The students who successfully outgrow that get to one day be adult authority figures and hated by the next generation of students.  The ones who don’t outgrow it … see below under “Lost Boys …”.

   My favorite “students is students is students” analogy is the Carolina drone about Fat Cats and “whine & cheese”.  Today’s “Fat Cats in the lower level” were the very same “wild and crazy students” in Carmichael in the 60s, 70s, and mid 80s.  In 25 years the yet unborn children of today’s constipated and complaining students will be whining about todays constipated and whining students who will be “Fat Cats” then.  Well, almost … there is one group of folks we have left out … “The Lost Boys of College Town”.

   This is the stunted growth faction that the “real” adult world considered and summarily rejected.  Sometimes referred to as “45 year-old Little League rightfielders”.  These clowns “peaked” that night 25 years ago when they got plastered and stoned and threw up all over their not-very-attractive date.  No life accomplishments since then has quite topped that episode.  An endless series of dead-end jobs and “stupid jackass bosses” have rerouted their success path.  Retelling their ribald, albeit droll, college experiences billions and billions of times can imaginarily fill that void otherwise known as what exactly have you done marginally worthwhile with your life for the past 20 years since college?” 

   Another traditional feature to watch for this weekend is that “Tipping Point” when the team pronoun magically changes from “they” to “we”.  Ol’ Roy and all those Doherty recruits might “choke” Saturday or Monday … but if Carolina wins then, of course, WE WON and WE hit the streets to celebrate OUR VICTORY.  Hopefully Ol’ Roy understands that these students are “owed” a National Championship because … well, just because.  It wouldn’t BE FAIR if they don’t get the chance to make drunken fools of themselves … like daddy and mommy did when they were students.


Papal Demise Linked To Global Conspiracy vs Tar Heels

   Carolina Lunatic Fringe en fuego as Death of Holy Father timed to distract world attention from National Championship Appearance.  Just as UNC defeated Michigan State, a “Cardinal” (Louisville ??) picked that moment to say “The Pope died!”  A coincidence? … there are NO COINCIDENCES where Media Hate vs UNC is involved!  All the major media outlets on Earth had to immediately ditch their “Carolina Is The Greated Place In The Galaxy” headlines to accomodate the now dead Pope.

   “Digger” Phelps who got his name digging “you know whats” is linked to this latest malevolence.  Billy Packer is part of it too but the Looney BS clearinghouse is trying to decide which idiotic hypothesis to use as “the official idiotic Papal Conspiracy”.  Representatives of the major UNC message board asylyums are meeting in the men’s room at Spanky’s to select the “winner”. 

   In a related bulletin … Steve Spurrier’s “people” are rumored to have had preliminary talks with Vatican Fat Cats to be THE NEW POPE!  Tubby Smith and Matt Doherty are also on “the short list”.


   Woe be it on Ol’ Roy if he does “choke”.  Ya see there’s one more thing about these kids … THEY KNOW IT ALL!  Not only is late teens-early 20s one’s sexual peak … it is also one’s “know ALL the answers” peak.  Every darn one of those students illegally drinking along Franklin Street this weekend will know exactly how Ol’ Roy should coach these games.  Their keen insights into motivation, strategy, and split-second reactions to circumstances is uncanny.  Ask them after a UNC loss and they will tell you that it is (1) the referees fault … (2) Dickie Baddour’s fault … (3) somehow Mike Krzyzewski’s fault … (4) Dick Vitale and Billy Packer’s fault … and/or (5) Ol’ Roy’s fault because he says “shucks” too much and obviously “didn’t want to win as much as they did”. 

   Right now there are four legitimate contendas for the 2005 National Championship.  Around 11 PM Monday night there will be one National Champion team and three “Can you believe how they choked” teams.  Three coaches and their players will “let down” all those so-deserving drunk kids back home waiting to PARTY! … and, as for that one winning coach … those drunken students rioting back on his campus fully expect to “do it again next year”.  Once you win you are “a basketball school” with a “legacy” to uphold.


Swagger’s Stumper

Name these players’ teams – They all finished 2nd:

Pembroke Burrows & Vaughn Wedeking – ______

Don Chaney & Ken Spain – _______

Rony Seikaly & Sherman Douglas – ________

Reggie Royals & Otto Petty – _________


   Lucy Ewing was fooling around with Ray Krebs “the hired hand” up in the Southfork hayloft.  38 SSays readers remembered that 3 minute episode on Dallas from 1975.  AWESOME!

   BobLee has done a lot of thinking on the subject and now agrees that Coach K’s AMEX commercials were ill-timed and a poor decision by him and by AMEX.  Reverend Jacksoooon sided with Dubyah on the Schiavo issue … and BobLee sides with the Lunatic Fringe on Coach K.  Pigs are flying to Hell to ice skate. 


   Some BIG DOINS coming up real soon for this website.  We’re talking YIKES … “have you seen what The Guys have done to bobleesays.com?”

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