A Ring For The Reverend!

January17/ 2000

… I don’t know if they are all friends but you gotta think Ol’ Roy and Ye Olde Legend both were watching and smiling last night as Reverend Mack stomped HIS monkey.  If anybody knows what that feels like they do.  Sure, Michael, Sean and, now, a superhero named Vince were accomplices to the fact; but finally “doing it” on the big stage is a rare achievement.  A 4-day period of “great games” highlights “the color and pagentry of college football”. 

   Mr Swagger lied just a bit a few weeks ago.  I said I wasn’t going to watch many bowl games but I got caught up in the drama of the last few days … and Boy Oh Boy did it all end with a BANG not a whimper.

   The official stamp of “exciting game” is when Mizzus Swagger stops flitting about the house and sits down to watch … that happened with four minutes to go last night.  She actually had the game on on “mute” back in her fortress of solitude where she plots the annihilation of Blue State America with an old pal of hers.  I had told her earlier in the evening that “this could be a special game”.

    I have my own “big game” mode that involves staking out “the wide screen” in our “home theater” (aka “the living room”) relegating Kid’s reality show de jour to either of the two other alternative viewing rooms in Swagger Manor.  I made a KFC run at 7:00 PM to appease my house mates.  I tend to watch in studied silence emoting only on the most dramatic moments.  That all changes when Mizzus decides we should watch together as the game enters it’s “short hairs” crunch time.

    It’s hard to concentrate on “defining moments” when Mizzus is asking Where’s the big cow?” … “Is that Marky Mark?” … “Wow, Matthew McConaughey is soooo hot!” … and “Is that the quarterback that dates Lindsay Lohan?”   

    Isn’t it wonderful when BIG GAMES really ARE.  Super Bowls got the rep as non-competitive one-sided routs for a while but lately they have come through as “thrillas” … last night delivered in spades.

    With the outcome in doubt until the very end, I kept equating everything that was going on as it related to Mack’s career and his legacy.  Would a narrow loss under such conditions vindicate him? … If MJ had missed “the jumper” would Ye Olde be “a legend” today? If that call had gone the other way in the Villanova game last March would Ol’ Roy be royalty?  The answers of course is no.  These men are ultimately defined by “the scoreboard” and they understand that.  You kill a vampire with a stake thru the heart and you kill a monkey with “a ring”.


Notorious Monkey Killers


   It was a rough week for Carolina’s Concrete Colon Crowd!

  1. The Little Prince antes up for a “big time” OC … 
  2. Reverend Mack wins “a sorta kinda maybe (ya think) BIG ONE”!

    Gee, what’s next … creating “a Rush Room” in the Student Union?

    When you define yourself by how much you hate some maligned public figure it really sucks when they go out and stick it to you … doesn’t it?  Not to worry.  The executive committee of the beady-eyed Hate’em A Lot Society went into special session early Thursday morning and issued the following communique:

  1. George Bush leaked that misinformation about the miners. 
  2. If “damn Dickie Baddour” hadn’t run Mack off, UNC would be National Champs today. 
  3. The crooked refs gave it to Mack. Young’s knee was down on that 2nd quarter TD. 
  4. Ol’ Roy won with Matt’s players.

    For beady-eyed Hate’ems every silver lining has a cloud outside.  

    Random Thoughts on Bowl Week …

  • Brady Quinn’s sister (aka A.J. Hawk’s girlfriend) has been named to the Bowl Week Hottie Squad.  The obligatory “offer from Playboy” will be announced by Friday.  (NOT a good picture of “her” … she’s two clicks “hottier” than this)
  • An ad agency is missing the boat by not signing the Penn State and FlaSt placekickers to some quirky ad campaign.  Have them replace that obnoxious David Spade in that Capitol One “say no” campaign.  
  • The ending to the Alamo Bowl was “the best” for “the whozit bowls”.  Incidentally, my old pal RiverWalk Bobby will be the Chairman of The Alamo Bowl next year.  He asked me for scenarios to top this year’s crazy finish.  My first suggestion involved Brady Quinn’s sister and a big tub of  jello. 
  • Marcus Vick (aka MVToo) is a no-count thug and should be stomped into no-count thug dust by a mob of “real Hokie fans”.  Hokie Jim will be leading the “Stomp Marcus” rally at noon on Saturday in downtown Blacksburg.  Let me get this straight … “Dickie is an idiot for NOT signing Beamer who is a no-count hoodlum coach who recruits and protects no-count thug-trash players” … Right?  ………… BobLee went easy on MVToo on the Under Age Lolita Affair because that goes on in every program (yes, even in holier than thou Chapel Hill !!!).  “Tiki Girls” with fake IDs swarm around jocks.  But “stomping Elvis” and then lying about apologizing is beyond even the wide parameters of “he’s just a confused kid from a rough background”.  With both the QB coach and the VaTech AD taking strong public stands, Frank “just 10 wins” Beamer needs to say something … at least suspend him for next season’s opener against E.C. Glass High School. ……….. incidentally, If you think Swagger is down on MVToo, ya need to read Hokie Jim’s rip roarin’ read on the subject … www.the-a-line.com  
  • The results of “The Meineke” creates the ultimate “solitaire with a deck of 51” for Wuff and Heel Loon Factions.  “We beat you two years in a row” … “So who cares, We won a bowl game” … throw in hooting about 3-stars and verbal commits and “Our Cignetti Brother is better than Your Cignetti Brother” and you have “numb nutz on parade” for the next nine months.

   OK … lets chat about “our Cignetti Brother” – Frank … aka “The GREATEST Offensive Football Mind Since Amos Alonzo Stagg invented the forward pass”.  My deep inside sources say that he “seems like a great guy”.  At his “Heeere’s Frankie” press conference he announced that he just saw a picture of Cameron Sexton and predicts he will “make UNC fans forget Nick Cangelosi in no time”.  Three short weeks ago, Fresno State was known as “that rogue school that signed Tark The Shark in BB and wins in FB by signing hoodlum JuCos”.  Now the Franklin Street “buzz” calls Fresno State “the  cradle of coaches” … OOO KAY!

   The BIG QUESTION, of course, is … since UNC FB “coordinator-payroll” now exceeds the total budget of the School Of Arts & Sciences plus the entire staff payroll of Louis Wilson Round Library … when will Susie “Racquetball” Estroff lead her constipated faculty squirrels in a hostile take-over of Meezie’s parking space beside South Building? … and why is it called “Round Library” anyway?  

    The Bowl Games That Really Matter were all BOFFO … doesn’t get any more colorful and pagentry-ier than they were … BUT … BobLee still thinks those first 8-10 “whozit bowls” should all be combined into one marathon bowl weekend in a big dome somewhere.  Have Brady Quinn’s sister as official “paint that yellow first down line” girl wearing, of course, a man’s white dress shirt, Candies, and a smile … and smelling like cinnamon rolls and Fabreze.  

    Vince Young had the greatest Rose Bowl since Ron Vanderkelen. BUT his “style” will NOT work in the NFL… he WILL get clobbered, blow a knee or a vertebra.  His “style” (aka another “athletic black QB”) has never worked consistently in the NFL but, hey, if it gets ESPN talking about anybody other than Vick Vick Vick 24/7 then it’s a very good thing. 

 So Mack Gets A Ring … 

Will he buy Sallie a National Championship charm?  

BobLee bets “yes, he will” with REAL diamonds too.


 Swagger’s Stumper

 Whose “tagline” was “It’s a Thrilla!”

Hint:  He once played “Frankie’s monster”


   Mariska Hargitay’s mamma was, of course, Jayne Mansfield.  Mariska was just 3 when mamma had the fatal accident. Mamma was NOT decapitated BTW … an urban legend!

  BLS’ much-ballyhooed CD – “Sacred Cows & Other Roadkill” is “at the printers” with the official debut planned at a TBD Triangle-area WAFFLE HOUSE in mid-January.  Alas,, the incendiary story on “Fruitcake Freddie” was a victim of the editor’s scissors.  Maybe next CD “Freddie”.

   Remember when UNC stopped TA in October 2004 (heck, do you still remember TA? … Who?) and within 24 hours “the three amigos” pissed in the post-game celebration punch bowl?  Well, Wuffs got that feeling right after their big victory in “The Meineke”.  Legendary Lupine scholar-athlete, Charles “Amphibious” Shackleford was apprehended in Johnston County with a gun, some marijuana, and some cocaine … but, hey, his girl friend was at least 19. … … when reached for his reaction, NCSU AD Lee Fowler asked “now, was he the one that made 475 on his SAT or the one from South Carolina that wanted to go to school “up north”? … No, Lee, that was C Wash and Cozell … Shack’s the one that could shoot with either hand.  Oh, yeah, THAT one.

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