.…. It has been “an itch” BobLee’s been scratching for several months. With the new year approaching it’s time to “do it”. We are initiating The NEW ERA of bobleesays.com with a noticeable change. BobLee is excited about all this and “a happy BobLee” is enough to send ripples of giddiness across the Heartland ….. All Aboard.
Her name was Janet and her fragrance was “White Shoulders” th
e first time I met her. She was dating Jack “The Barber” Bastable. Jack had Ray Guy punting skill until his right knee exploded one October Saturday on a left hashmark in Norman OK. Janet subsequently married Lieutenant Steve of the US Navy Submarine Service. I haven’t heard from Janet, Lt Steve or Jack The Barber for 25+ years but I never forgot what Lt. Steve told me after a tour of duty in The Azores.
Being a Lieutenant, Steve counseled the enlisted men under his command. Steve was, and likely still is, a compassionate Christian gentleman. After having numerous young men ask “Excuse me Lieutenant, could I speak with you for a moment?” … Steve deduced that all of mankind’s problems could be divided into three categories (1) “My girl, she …”, (2) “My car, it …”, and (3) “My dog, he …” . I wonder if Pastor Leon or Prince Albert The Long have come to the same conclusions as they have counseled young men over the years.
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John The Jackass lives on the West Coast. I have had intermitant business dealings with him for going on 10 years. He also played ball for a coach named Bo at a prominent Big 10 institution. When I first met him, I didn’t much care for him. After 10+ years I still don’t much care for him. He’s not a crook or a degenerate. He’s simply “a jackass”. At the 3 year mark I decided to ask a mutual acquaintance, Gentleman Jim, “Hey, Jim, I know I’m ‘peculiar’ in my fashion, but am I the only one who thinks John is a jackass?” “Heck no” said Jim. “I have members of my staff that won’t even accept his calls. He’s a Category 4 Clueless Prick. And, yes, BobLee, you are peculiar.”
My dealings with John are limited, on the cusp of profitable enough to not break them off. For a day or so each year I gird myself with the 1-2 topics of “elevator chat” that this yahoo is reasonably conversant on and we muddle through. He is a “two-legged prostate exam” – an unpleasant experience regardless of the benefit derived. I bet you know some of John’s relatives.
***
Now for “THE BIG NEWS”
#1 – We will use fewer “ellipses” (those …s) in the future
AND
#2
SwaggerSays is now a
95% “Lunatic Fringe Free” Zone
We have closed our bureau in “the psycho ward at Bellevue”
No more reporting their seismic burps and gurgles.
If we declare 100% Loon Free one of those cockamamies will set his deranged butt afire in some misguided protest in KrzyzewskiVille or throw himself despondently off the top of Vaughn Towers or go off his meds and attack Dickie with a hawkbill knife outside of Spanky’s … becoming “relevant” if just for a 24-hour news cycle.
No, we have not been threatened (lately) by the wacky little boogers. Being “threatened” by a board loonie is like riding by a XXX Video Store and a toothless perv shoots you “the bird”. …yawn! We are just soooo over these cult-like cuckoos regardless of their allegiances. Their trite “firecoach____.com” stunts have become pathetic cliches. Their bloviations are a factor whether Steve Logan even wants to coach football in this country again.
Rachel Carson, and her cronies, by banning the use of DDT, gave free rein to the anopheles mosquito to spread malaria pandemically throughout the 3rd world. Equally misguided techies
, in league with “recruiting gurus”, have granted public access and anonymity to these overly caffeinated, highly constipated nitwits. Now they have an illegitmate claw-hold in sports, discharging libelous bilge “faster than a greasy burrito traveling thru a GI tract”.
We bid riddance to these self-anointed “real fans” with this classic quote courtesy of “The Bard of Danville” Hokie Jim. He came across it recently while trolling in a VaTech cyber swamp:
“Are we doomed to nothin better than 10 win seasons w/ Beamer?”
Yes, we’ll still be discussing “sports” and offering commentaries on goings-on in the stadiums, arenas, and Fat Cat lairs; but just in a different vein. To quote dry cleaning mogul George Jefferson, “We’re movin’ on up” and expanding our “commentarial universe”.
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So, What ARE You Going To Talk About ? … More WAFFLE HOU*E & Farmer’s Market type stuff … lovely Janet with White Shoulders …. Category 4 Clueless Pricks …. Butch wanting to BE Mickey Mantle …. the Titular King of The Gonzo Texas Flimflammers …. why smart Little League coaches pick the kids with the prettiest mammas. BobLee will be walking the streets and wading the mainstreams and telling you what he thinks about what he sees and/or steps in. 753 columns over the past five years. It began with one little column topic that BobLee was convinced would SAVE MANKIND. Mankind survived. BobLee was right.
“NEW ERA” commentaries will be shorter (800 or so “high calibre hollow points”). Satire 
delivered with a Sledge hammer along with jousts at any contrarian windmills that impede BobLee’s path. Favorite old adversaries stay on the menu … “Fruitcake Freddie” – “Meezie & The Faculty Squirrels” – “maligned and beleagured ADs” – “the puckered butted Snoots” – “The Gimghoul Starchamber”, etc. BobLee has NOT signed any “no torture” agreement.
The Victoria’s Secret column was a test. NEW ERA won in a tsunamic wave of “LOVED ITs”. Life is not “crap soup” ladled out by beady-eyed, hate-filled human hairballs. AROUND HERE IT 
WON’T BE. We’ll be all over the place with our topics. It may take a few weeks to get in the new groove. Think of SSays as your Blue Diamond Almonds of the Internet. “One column at a time … two columns a week” is all we ask.
Our lofty goals for 2006 are:
Be opening act for Yakov Smirnoff in Branson
Lick Frosting off Rachael Ray’s Spoon – Yum-O!
SSays columns on every Refrigerator door in America
Yeah, Yeah; But what about the trivia questions? Are you kidding? If we stopped the “Stumpers” we would lose 2,500 subscribers in a heartbeat. Swagger Stumpers aren’t going anywhere.
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Swagger’s Stumper
Mr Burns is to Homer
as
_____ is to Dagwood
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A BIG SSays HUZZA to Charlie Cobb, former NCSU staffer, now AD at AppyState. Charlie delivered a National Championship right out of the gate, setting the expectation bar VERY high. Charlie is a heckuva fine guy. Speaking of NCSU and ADs, Pack FB immortal, Roman Gabriel, took a nasty public shot at “Let’s Blame Todd” Turner in Sunday’s N&O. Both sides of that story will never be told. Oh well, an early Christmas present for the Todd-haters.
Imagine … BobLee as “Ed Norton” climbing out of the loonic sewer, getting on Ralph Kramden’s bus and driving over to his “DEE-luxe apartment in the Skkk-iiii” … All you wonderful SSays pals and gals are “invited back to this Lo-cal-a-tee to have a heapin’ helpin’ of his Hos-pi-tal-i – tee!
No Shirt – No Shoes = No Problem.
(But NO Howler Monkeys)
You can always chat with BobLee via the magic of modems at
