VERY Freaky Friday

January16/ 2000

….. CRASH …. KABOOM.  Lordy mercy, it was like standing on a hilltop overlooking a train crossing and watching the whole glorious mess coming together …. The speeding locomotive, the stalled school bus, the car fulla teenagers, and the little ol’ lady pushing the grocery cart all converging at the crossing.  Alls one could do was say “WHOA NELLIE!”.  …… The N&O will sell a few dozen extra papers today I reckon.  MONDAY UPDATE – NCSU Chanc cans Lady Easley at 11:15 AM.

A quick timeline will make it easier to comprehend …… (actual times are approximate)
Thurs – 2:45 PM

….. “Larry The Provost Guy” resigns over Mary Mess ….. claiming, of course, his total innocence of everything he did.  He is now in Wolfpack Witness Protection Program (WWPP) in an underground bunker on Centennial Campus.

Thurs – 11:45 ….. Scott Walker scores overtime goal for ‘Canes in dramatic Game 7 victory over Boston …… HOORAY!  No link can be found to The Easleys (yet).

Fri – 7:15 AM …..  N&O on-line story posted – “Erskine Bowles Demands McQueen’s Little Red Head On A Platter “ (OK, I’m paraphrasing a tad).   Erskine’s announcement uses the words “embarrassed”, “disappointed” and “mea culpa.”  Of the three “mea culpa” is the “money line”.

Fri 7:19 AM ….. N&O posts NCSU Chanc Jim Oblinger’s LTTE denying any wrongdoing by him or anyone connected to NCSU …. EVER about anything.   He did not mention Percy Moorman or Tom Abatemarco specifically.  Oblinger noted that if anything wrong HAD ever taken place it was Todd Turner’s fault.  (OK, I read that between the lines)

Fri – 11:30 AM …… FBI launches criminal “probe” of The Easleys.   “launces a probe” …. oh boy!  Simultaneously, three NC Highway Patrolmen previously assigned to The Easleys leave the country on a ten year “sabbatical” in Bolivia.  How long is the list of charges being “probed”?  Longer than John Wall’s “short list” of schools.

Fri – 1:19 PM ….. NC Attorney General Roy Cooper announces he will not run for US Senate in 2010 against Richard Burr.  When asked if he will investigate The Easleys, Cooper showed a YouTube of his famous Nifong Moment and left for a late lunch w/ Don Beason.

Fri – 2:33 PM ….. McQueen Campbell resigns as Head Hoody Doody of NCSU BOT.  McQueen notes that he too is totally innocent of all the stoopid stuff he has done.  Timing of resignation 7 hours after Erskine demanded it was because McQueen had no clue what “mea culpa” means.   McQueen will pursue a new career as chief pilot for McGuire Woods law firm. …..

Fri – 3:10 PM …… NC Elections Board announces it too will open a full investigation of  The Easleys.   Simultaneously several overflowing trash bags, labeled “Mikie’s travel records”, are tossed onto a pile of burning leaves in The Easleys backyard.  Ooops.

Sat – 7:10 AM …… N&O Editor “Knock’em Out John” Drescher posts a column swearing on the grave of Claude Sitton that he will “Get Those Easleys”.  Hot Damn – a personal vendetta between a crusading Editor and a ex-Governor.  John also ordered Andy Curliss to drag this mess out as long as views to continue to increase.  In an internal memo John pleads with Linda Williams to stay out of this one PLEASE.  Since no “black people” are involved (yet) that will likely not be a problem.

Sat – 3:06 PM ….. Mike Easley issues public statement …. “I am comfortable Mary and I have (destroyed all incriminating evidence) from our 30 years of (fleecing) our fellow citizens.  (By the way, has anyone seen Jim Black recently?)”

UPDATE …. MONDAY 11:15 AM .…. NCSU Chanc Jim “Do No Wrong” Oblinger orders Lady Easley to “JUST GO AWAY …. PLEASE”.    There hasn’t been so many folks leaving NCSU since Chuck Amato was changing coordinators every week!

Meanwhile over in Chapel Hill, Chancellor Thorp enjoyed a cheeseburger at Sutton’s Drug Store.  Holden “gave thanks” not only for the cheeseburger but especially that Mary Easley had chosen NC State for her speaker coordinator scam rather than his school.  The stench of the John Edwards’ Poverty Center Scam still hangs over The Flagship so its only right that these ridiculous scandals be spread out around the UNC System.

    Meanwhile at The Governors Mansion ….. Governor Dumpling planted a vegetable garden and watched DVRs of her favorite shows …… “Survivor: Jones Street” and “Dancing With The Lobbyists”.

Meanwhile at Word Of God Academy ….. The NAACP is conferring with John Wall regarding filing suit against The Easleys for pushing “John Wall Picks A College” off the front page after two months as “all anyone really cares about”.      

Unfounded Rumor ….. It is NOT true that Mary Easley used her “unique abilities” to book Barack Obama to speak at Notre Dame this weekend.

OK BobLee …. How crazy did it get Friday at BobLeeSays World HQ?   47 phone calls and 238 e-mails ….. I received more calls than the Hurricanes did for tickets for the Penguins series.  Missus is in Missouri being “a dutiful daughter” and Kid is on ”a road trip up the Eastern Seaboard” with her chums.  It was alls I could do to feed the cat and water Missus’ hydrangas. ….

Yes, I did pretty much predict every sordid piece of all this weeks ago.  Archives don’t lie. Could all this reach the How Pathetic Is The Human Race depths of “Nifong/Lacrosse”?   Hard to say.   We need a picture of Mary Easley giving a lap dance to Malik Zulu Shabazz.  Anything involving McQueen Campbell, Elizabeth Edwards and Jello would be good too.

(1)  Will Mary Easley graciously step down to
avoid futher embarrassment to NCSU?
YES  –  NO

(2)  SHOULD Mary Easley graciously step down to
avoid further embarrassment to NCSU?


The really scary truth of Freaky Friday is that 98% of the above REALLY DID HAPPEN.  Yeah, I added a nugget or three here and there but it’s darn hard to out-absurd “The Easleys” and their cronies.

I want “credit” ….. the words “Democrat” – “Liberal” or “Pelosi” do not appear anywhere in this column.  This isn’t so much “political” as it is what “Power” and “Sense of Entitlement” can do to otherwise kinda-decent people.

Larry The Cable Guy = Dan Whitney
Shawn Weatherly was “involved” with Dwight Clark

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