…. Two of the Three Wise Men

January16/ 2000

You’re all Aware kind folks ….right?  Lets go back in time just three weeks …. here’s your “I’m an Aware kinda guy/gal” Test ….. (1) Who the bleep is “Blago” ?….. (2) Have either you OR a Christmas Tree ever been in the UNC Library ? …. (3) If your mamma named you Plaxico would you carry a pistol in your pants?

The BobLee Public Opinion & Muffler Repair Center’s weekly Hell In A Handbasket Poll shows 83% of Obamaites are pretty sure that Blago and Plaxico were two of The Three Wise Men.

Worrying in general is a stoopid way to go thru each day.  Most of the stuff that consumes your thoughts never happens and, if it does, you’ve probably already moved on to worrying about something else by the time it does.  That’s how it is for those of us who chronicle the ongoing percolations of the American cultural crock-pot.

You’ve heard that line that the US Patent Office considered shutting down back in the early 1900s, convinced that everything had been invented that ever would be.  That was over 60 years BEFORE “the clapper”, corfam shoes and PONG.  It’s like that in writing.  I started out with five columns back in 1999 that I felt the world surely needed if it was going to survive into the New Millenium.  Beyond those, I had no idea what I would write about.  Proving once again that The Good Lord takes special care of smart-ass humorists, pretty girls and bunny rabbits.


The UNC Library Tree ….. this media-fabricated non-story continues on life-support due largely to the ongoing idiocy out in Olympia Washington.  Olympia is like Frankfort KY and Jefferson City MO – a Jeopardy question state capital.  Not in a city anyone outside that state has ever heard of.  I bet you even thought the Washington Christmas Mess was happening in Seattle, didn’t you?  Nope, Olympia.  Oh, and Blago actually does his shenanigans in Springfield not in Chi-town.

The Library that generations of UNC students have gone into to (1) pee and/or (2) find romance will not be festooned this season.  We suspect neither will Gene Nichol’s Poverty Center nor the Philosophy Dept.  I recall that Jeff’s Campus Confectionary on quaint Franklin Street used to decorate for Christmas.  Jeff would drap tinsel over the exposed crotches on the covers off the really nasty porno magazines.

We have learned that Sarah The Librarian never sought the celebrity notoriety status she has gained over the past week.  Not unlike Mike Nifong and Ho #1, and #2.  So many spend their lives seeking fame …. and others just fall out of bed and land in a pile of it.  I predict the UNC Library Tree Mess will go away when something else really silly takes its place  and/or when UNC plays Duke in January.

It gave us a chance to see Chancellor Doogie in action.  Like Roy’s Boys playing the Nova Scotia Olympic Team.  Holden’s got his Solomon sea legs now and is all ready for the next campus nitwit eruption which Nostradamus’ Quatrain # 267 predicts for sometime in early January.  Every 90 days on average.


Seriously now, if your mamma named you Plaxico, wouldn’t you carry a loaded Glock around in your pants?  .Every Plaxico I’ve ever known packs a piece.   In da hood, “Plaxico” is like being A Boy Named Sue in Rockingham.  If you ain’t packing you’re getting a wedgie or Kick Me signs taped to your butt.

   Was there actually a memo sent out by Roger Goodell that, upon the retirement of Jerry Rice, henceforth every NFL wide receiver must be a complete Jackass?  Does the fact these aberrant humanoids don’t get to line up next to their teammates require them to constantly try to out-stoopid each other?

When a strapping baby boy is born in Texas and he has a coed-melting smile and his first words are “sir” and “ma’am” he automatically gets named Colt or Chase or Major or Tim or Tab or Rhett and he is given a little baby jersey with a Quarterback # and his future is pre-ordained.  Mack Brown actually has a staff member who reads birth announcements across the state and he sends out little stuffed Bevos to every boy with “a Quarterback’s name”.   I bet you didn’t know that, did you?

If one is born in the ER of “the County Hospital” and on the birth certificate under “Father” it says “either the little dude with the dreadlocks or the big sumbitch driving the Escalade” …. if that young’an comes into the world with long legs and an attitude, he’s given a # in the 80s and someone sticks a pistol in his pampers.

I actually have a permit to carry, but I don’t.  The last “club” I visited was Pinehurst last month.   Other than a couple of my jokes that didn’t go over all that well, I never felt threatened.  I’m considering carrying a Walther PPK like James Bond.  Whatta ya’ll think?  For my intro I pull the Walther out of a shoulder holster and set it on the podium.  Ya think that will get the audience’s attention.    Or I could change my name to Plaxico Ocho Cinco Moss …. but just call me T.O.


I’m having a problem with “Blago”.  No, not that he’s a very very crooked politician and not that President-Elect Cocoa Puff never knew (duh!) he was a very very crooked politician.  The number of racists, terrorists, crooks, socialists,  Hollyweirds, jihadists, anarchists, lunatics, nutcases and former Clinton staffers that are in C-Puff’s memory dial but he doesn’t know how they got there is already greater than the notches on Slick Willie’s bedposts.  No, I have a problem with Blago’s hair

Aside …. Are you like me, you have this reoccuring dream that about a week before his coronation we’re going to learn that Michelle Obama is really Calypso Louie Farakan’s Cousin LeRoy in drag.   C-Puff will asage his minions with the standard ….. “despite being married to Michelle/LeRoy for over fifteen years, I never saw him/her nekkid with the lights on.  Because there is an on-going gynecological examination it would be inappropriate for me to say anything further on this matter.” 

Back to Blago ….. Is Blago using Wayne Newton’s hair stylist?  What with that whole fluffy pompadour look …. and the leather bomber jacket?  Somewhere Michael Corleone and John Gotti are saying “Dude ?”   I mean Mr Las Vegas gets away with it because Wayne Newton is suppose to “look like Wayne Newton“.   It’s like wearing a Tiger suit, a cape and big sunglasses with a bunch of scarfs around your neck.  If you’re Elvis, it’s cool.   If you are a tin horn politician in Paducah, go for a different look.

As with any successful Chicago thug-politician, there’s always the devoted wife spewing out F-bombs in the background.   If the loving wife, devoted mother, and daughter of a notorious North side crime boss smacks gum and looks like Laverne Defazio, all the better.

As America begins to pour thru the 75 page Blago Chronicles,  my eye immediately went to the part about “a six figure job for his wife”.  Not only did North Carolina beat Illinois for the national championship in ’05, we beat’em to the punch with a crooked governor scamming a fake six-figure job for his wife.   Apparently Blago and Sleazy Easley compared notes at the recent Crooked Democrat Governors Conference.   At least “our crooked governor” doesn’t have fru fru hair ….. in NC, hair is the trademark of our disgraced philandering former senator.

Wonder if John will be spending the holidays with Elizabeth or Reille or maybe there’s others?   As the local newspaper teeters on the ledge of bankruptcy, it doesn’t have the $$$ to follow John 24/7 like they used to.

Yeeee Haa ….. like manna from Heaven, The Good Lord just keeps on providing this ol’ backsliding humorist with plenty of column fodder.


PONG was the first, and last, video game I ever played.
Anyone know where I could buy one for Christmas?


 Yes, that little Aside about Cousin LeRoy will likely get picked up by the National Smart-Ass Radio Gang.  But you heard it here first.  And that line about “two of the three Wise Men” …. I could probably sell that one for enough to buy the Walther PPK.  Ya think?

Jan Kemp died this week.  WHO???  Jan Kemp.  She was Athletic Academic Coordinator for Univ Georgia Athletics in the 1980s.  She blew the whistle on rampant fraud in UGa Athletic Academics.    Bulldog Faithful never quite forgave her.  Lewis Grizzard had a line that all the seat cushions in Sanford Stadium had Jan Kemp’s picture on ’em.  Think about it.  Jan was 59 and died of alzheimers.  As a result of Jan’s whistle-blowing, 3 out of 10 Bulldawg athletes can now spell UGA ….  if ya spot’em the U-G.  RIP Jan Kemp.

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