The Masters is for “people like us”

January16/ 2000

The Masters is The Sara Lee of Sports Events as in “Nobody doesn’t like Sara Lee ….”.  OK, I’m on the cursed Internet enough to know that there is probably a “” somewhere out there.  But compared to the plethora of haters that hate everything else, The Masters is THE Most Loved Sports Event “By People Who Think Like BobLee Does”. ….. (and a Lee Fowler DeathWatch update).

Think about it my fellow Baby Boomers and Baby Boomers Somedays ….. this week every year you turn on your TV and see pretty much exactly what you saw a year ago …… 5 years ago ….. 20 years ago ….. and, despite the occasional Martha Burks of this world, you will see into the Future.   One advantage we Boomers have is that our concept of “the future” has a rapidly approaching finality.

If “the economy” ….. North Korea ….. immigration ….. health care ….. and the obliteration of all that “founding fathers” silliness can keep Obbie, Barney, Joe, Nancy and the Somali Pirates busy, then “Augusta” will continue to be all one needs to say to symbolize “a sports event like Mom and Dad used to watch”.

The ubiquitous “they” have tried to change The Masters and “they” have succeeded in enough small ways to torment the ghost of Clifford Roberts but not enough to really bother me.

Bobby Jones (the golfer not the UNC guy) and his buddy Clifford Roberts started The Masters in 1934 without me and my generation but “the 50s” brought them “Arnie” and his Army and me and my generation glued to our Philco and RCA Victors even before “color TV” showed us azaleas came in colors other than gray.  Now with HDTV …. WOW them azaleas behind #13 are AWESOME BABY!

“We” grew up knowing that “success in business” meant driving a Cadillac and MAYBE someday scoring a badge for The Masters.  If we even knew somebody that had “been to The Masters” that was cool.  If we knew somebody who knew somebody that had “played Augusta” that was waaaay cool.

(If you thought Masters “badges” were called “tickets” you’ve probably never heard of The Butler Cabin either.  Skip to the bottom and read the Lee Fowler DeathWatch update and get on with your day.)

“Us Baby Boomers” are become quite crotchety as we stroll down Life’s 15th Fairway.  We are, alas, becoming “like our parents” despite 50 years of swearing we never would.   Our children will NOT become “like us” because when the Islamofascists, the North Koreans and the ChiComms play rock-paper-scissors to decide who gets which group of states – Augusta National will be bulldozed into a collective potato farm and the overseers will wear Mao jackets rather than “green jackets” ….. but I digress.


BREAKING NEWS ….. VP Joe Biden announced today that he drew up the plans for Amen Corner on a cocktail napkin and handed it to Bobby Jones in the Mens Grill of Atlanta’s East Lake CC in 1932.  Jones’ relatives say their grandfather never mentioned such a meeting and note that Joe’s birth certificate says 1946.  Joe sticks by his story.


“We” complain a lot …. duh ….. about changes in sports.  Uniforms, body art, hair styles and game starting times get the bulk of our bitching.  The Masters has pretty much avoided those areas of fan purists concern.

Golf went thru a period of sartorial silliness in the 60s led by Doug Sanders and later by Rodney Dangerfield in Caddyshack.  The stereotype of “golfers wearing polyester plaid pants” is as outmoded as “NASCAR drivers are fat good ol’ boys” but still persists among clueless nimrods.  For purposes of this discussion we imagine a world devoid of clueless nimrods. …… In such a world the uber-trite phrase “they even hung Dean Smith in effigy” or any mention of “Coach K’s first two years at Duke” would be grounds for immediate lynching.  The word “lynching” is also allowed in BobLee’s World Devoid of Nimrods.

As every BobLee Buddy & Babe knows ….. The Masters is always played at the same place, at the same time, with enough “traditions unlike any other” to infuriate the ACLU, trial lawyers, academic anarchists, historical revisionists,  PETA, ACORN, yadda yadda yadda.   That’s a whole lot more reasons I do love The Masters.  The enemy of my enemies is my friend.

I’m fine that “an AfroThai guy” now dominates the event.  Lee Elder has been a friend of mine for years.  I appreciate that El Tigre (and Nike) appreciates that “white Baby Boomers enjoy golf too”.  Yesterday there were enough Japanese playing that the Holiday Inn on Washington Road could have been declared an internment camp.  I’m fine that “the international contestants” are one of those “Masters traditions”.

Jumbo Osaki used to get big cheers at The Masters but that was because his name was “Jumbo”.  Had his name been Jumbo Baddour he woulda been a fan favorite too.  (huuummm, if Dickie changed his first name to “Jumbo” would it help him?) probably has a link to Fuzzy Zoellar’s “ethnic culinary” comment.  Hell …. Clifford Roberts mighta been a member of The Klan.  97% of the members of Augusta National grew up with “coloreds” cookin’ and cleanin’ around their Tara-esque gated “mini-Plantations”.  It is true that current Masters Chairman Billy “Mr Olympics” Payne took elocution lessons for two years to properly say “toonament”.  “Toonament” is another Masters tradition.

Playing footsie with Juan Antonio Samaranch and the IOC despots gave Billy a working brain, meaning an end to the Sunday afternoon spectacle of The Masters Chairman asking YEE HAA questions in The Butler Cabin while Ken Venturi or now Jim Nantz had apoplexy.  …..

To Seve Ballesteros ‘ “Do you Spanish guys eat tacos like Trevino’s Mexicans?
To Lee Elder “We added a patch of watermelons out behind #6 green to make you feel welcome” 
To Ian Woosnam “Do short people have an advantage on Par 3s?
To Vijay Singh “Where da hell is Fee-Gee anyway?

I miss those oh-so politically incorrect moments in the Butler Cabin.

There won’t be any tattoos visible this weekend.  No baggy shorts.  No cock-eyed ballcaps.  No wide receivers performing end zone dances at Amen Corner.  Jim Furyk will not have to pee in a cup in a steroid port-o-let at #18.  Danica Patrick will not be teeing off wearing a thong and a Valvoline visor.  The members of the Augusta Junior League serving pimento cheese sandwiches between #15 and #16 will not be wearing burkas.  ……. At least not this year.

And that’s why I like The Masters.   


What do Stephanie Glance & Gwyneth Paltrow have in common?

Neither one will be the next Women’s BB Coach at NC State.  It was announced Thursday.   This clears the way for State’s notorious Lunatic Fringe’s Kangaroo Court to know which crime to convict embattled Lee Fowler of.  ….. (A) Hiring Kay’s Friend …. Or ….. (B) Not Hiring Kay’s Friend.  Either way Lee was “A Dead AD Walking”.

Wuff Loons were assembled and ready to march on the Case Center.  All that was needed was for Fowler to “zig or zag” so they knew which protest sign to carry.   Three months ago Stephanie Glance was as totally anonymous to 98% of Wolfpack fans as the 4th brother at Three Brothers Pizza.

During one of the multitude of Kay Yow Memorials, it was revealed that Kay had designated Ms Glance as her successor-in-waiting.   This was to be State’s version of UNC’s Guthridge gambit ….. award the faithful long time assistant.  EXCEPT in UNC’s case, El Deano had personally installed Dickie as AD specifically to assure Coach Gut of a healthy pension increase.  Kay did not hold such power over Lee.

Announcing Ms Glance as Kay’s successor woulda been “the safe play” for Lee.  Just as siding with Barsini was “the safe play” for Tessio.  That “safe play” got Tessio a dirt nap from Don Corleone.  Lee’s reasons for not doing so could be many and quite valid …. And possibly not even “his” but from higher up the admin chain.  Like Erskine saying “Mary is uniquely talented” and having to stifle a giggle.   The people who REALLY MATTER seem fine w/ the decision ….. the people who WISH THEY MATTERED are never fine with any decision ….

For his next trick, Lee will (1) spray paint CONGRATULATIONS TO ROY FOR #5 in the Free Expression Tunnel ….  (2) declare DT was over-rated ….. then (3) call a press conference to announce he’s uncovered new evidence against Jimmy V.

If Lee Fowler “rises from the dead” after all this ….. Easter will have a new poster boy. 


Cadillac and ????? were the only
TWO TV sponsors of The Masters for many years.


   With Sean Miller being named Head BB Coach at Univ of Arizona ….. Arizona is changing it’s state motto ….. Arizona – “Where Former NC State Coaches Come To Be Appreciated” ….. ouch.

Staying with that idiotic FinalFour story line ….. If Tiger wins The Masters will it an “emotional stimulus” for his Jupiter Island neighbors who were swindled by Bernie Madoff?

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