Texas Hold’em …. Carolina Style!

January16/ 2000

As Tar Heel fans try desperately NOT to relate the rash of basketball injuries with Lord Obama’s imminent coronation (coincidence ???) …. down in Austin TX an announcement on Tuesday will have a tsunami-like impact among The Old Well crowd.  Every November the fit hits the shan as the leaves hit the ground just south o’ quaint Franklin Street.  This year is no different.  This one involves Mack, Will, Butch, Wade, Jerry, Dickie, and The Brothers Goodmon,

Do you recognize that young fellow standing alongside The Mackster?  Why that be 2008’s Hot Young Rock Star Coordinator – Will Muschamp.  Unknown to all but the hard corest of college football loonies just a few months ago, young Mr Muschamp is now on “the short list” for every coaching vacancy from Seattle to Clemson to Little Manhatten to Syracuse to Knoxville to Auburn to (fill in all the to be addeds).

Its a law that every season must have its Phenom Coordinator and in 2008 it is this former Georgia BullDawg.  One year it was “Jimbo”.  Jimbo The Phenom always sounded cool.  “Bo” was “a Phenom” til the Huskers grabbed him.  Mark Richt was a “Phenom” about 10 years ago.  Dave Huxtable never reached “Phenom” status but he did have a bounty on his head which was scary.  If Jon Schoop doesn’t play T.J. on Saturday some Tar Heel loonies might put a bounty on “the Beav”.

The relationship twixt a coordinator and a fan base is not unlike carrying nitroglycerine while riding a unicycle …. blindfolded.  Chuckles shuffled thru so many coordinators during his wild ride at the fairgrounds the wuff loons took to just screaming “Fire This One Too” around the 2nd week of every Octobber.  

Up in Blacksburg, “Bud” Their Phenom simply mentioned he might be interested in the Clemson job and Hokie-loons dispatched a pimped-up Escalade full of Vick cousins to teach Bud about loyalty.  Tuff crowd!

Where was I?  Oh yeah …. that press conference in Austin.  Mack is playing his own version of “Texas Hold’em”. With droolin’ fat cats from half the BCS schools coming to Austin romancing Will The 2008 Phenom , Mack popped a cap on the bunch of’em.  No stranger to November adios surprises himself, The Man From Cookeville named Will as his Eventual Successor At Such Time As Mack Might Leave.  A nice raise to $900,000/per comes along with the new business card.  The tea-sippin’ Orangebloods know Mack is calling Bekins.

The Eventual Successor gambit was most recently used in Tallahassee by Papa Bowden to keep the aforementioned “Jimbo” from vamoosing from Doak-Campbell.  Just for the record, Mack never did that for Carl back in the day.  In fact he specifically did NOT recommend Carl as his successor at UNC.  Considering the acrimony associated with that scenario, had he done so Carl mighta been spared a lot of misery.

Mack has convinced the Muschamp Family to unpack in The Hill Country and buy lots of burnt orange outerwear.  Will only came to Austin from Auburn a year ago.  Apparently Mack chooses Eventual Successors with little time wasted.  Fat Cats in southern Alabama waiting to lynch Tommy Tubbs in two weeks got nasty drunk upon hearing that Will is not on the market any more.

So how does this effect The Old Well World?  Very simple.  Surely you and every board monkey, Caro-loon, and Kenanite worth his Choo Choo has heard the “Mack will some day come back to replace Dickie as UNC AD” rumor.  That rumor has been simmering on Mamma Dip’s stove for many a fortnight.  Yes and yes ….. Mack has kept his houses at Linville and Figure Eight” and yes Sally left her heart in Chapel Hill and kept her NC Real Estate license updated.

The thought of not having Dickie to blame any more is as awesome to UNC loonies as Lib loons not having Bush to blame any more.  The inevitable Baddourian By By is closer than its ever been.  An eventuality not lost on Steiny, Gwaltney, Kupec, Waddell, Phineus, Hyman, and Ray Goodmon (more on him later).  The possibility of Mack leapfrogging all the wanna-bees in waiting has never received the slightest credence by any credible source but when has THAT ever put out a wildfire.

Dickie’s most recent stay of execution comes due in a year.  Colt McCoy leaves Texas in a year.  Eventual Successors don’t sit on their hands for too long.  Such arrangements traditionally have a short engagement period prior to the passing of the whistle and primo parking space.  Despite denials to the contrary, The Mackster won’t be hanging around 6th Street too much longer.

Mack is 57 with “a ring” already to his credit.  Mack is a micro-manager and borderline compulsive autocrat.  Guess who else is 57 …. with “a ring” (as an Asst) and also a micro-managing compulsive autocrat?  His name starts with a “B” and ends in “utch”.  Yee Haa! ….. we see where you’re going with this BobLee.

“What about ORW?”  ORW don’t care one way or the other.  He does what the heck he darn well wants to including wearing Jayhawk stickers.

How do you see this playing out BL?  

Y’all just want something to chew on at your tailgate Saturday morning don’t you?

Toss this one on your Weber kettle …. Butch really doesn’t care for Knoxville, never has.  But there is one job he does want and it might come open in the next two months.  Bum Phillip’s boy Wade ain’t causing no one in Irving to forget Tom Landry or Chan Gailey and certainly not Jimmy Johnson (not the NASCAR  one! …. the one with the hair).  If “the Boys” aren’t playing in late January, Jerry J. be cleaning house.  Butch will be fresh off a bowl appearance and expecting some THANK YOU love from UNC’s Deep Pocket Dozen.  “Waking around money” won’t cut it.  Jerry can throw $6,000,000+ at Butch plus a brand new 100,000 seat stadium in Arlington.  Uh oh!

There is a burlap sack full of “yes buts” in all this but I figure it being Rivalry Week and all you folks needed your pot stirred.  ….hehehehehe.   The Pale Rider and The Blue Messiah with Reverend Mack doing their annual performance reviews ….. “Butch you need to work on your time management.” ….. “Roy, what’s this expense reimbursement for a caddy tip at Pinehurst?”

What about The Brothers Goodmon?  Oh, them.  Jim & Ray Goodmon are Raleigh’s Maloof Brothers.  They’ve got more $$$ than Croesus and love to dabble in sports.  Media Mogul Jim owns the Derm Bulls and put on the Hill Carrow Memorial Olympic Festival about 20 years ago.

Ray cashed out his inheritance some time ago, and submitted his application to replace Little Johnny as UNC AD, but lost out to The Dickster (and everyone else actually being considered).   Ray also imagining himself as IOC President, NCAA Exec Poobah, and Erin Andrews’ personal trainer has never been confirmed.  He did start BusterSports.com however …. with Bro Jim as an investor (no doubt with the approval of wife Barbara who looooves Barack Obama soooo much she wouldn’t let Hubby Jim’s TV stations run McCain ads.  Gotta luv that mainstream media!)

Ray dreams BIG.  No one really knows much about BusterSports except Ray says it will revolutionize sports media thruout the Milky Way Galaxy.  He already has podcast rights to the 3012 Olympics on Neptune.  Along with a silverspoonfull of $$$$, Ray’s credentials include 42,762 posts on InsideCarolina and acid reflux whenever the Heels go to three down linemen in their infamous “prevent defense”.   He’s the goofy older cousin Mark Cuban never knew he had.

Check out BusterSports.com .  Yeah, Ray IS nutz but nutz isn’t necessarily a bad thing!


Who is Mack’s “other coordinator”?


 The Poulan Weedeater Independence Bowl was held in Shreveport where Tim Brando lives.  A Google search of EBay revealed a Weedeater Bowl watch once sold for $3.87 to a cajun transvestite named Swen.

A Lexington KY bookie lists the odds of Billy Gillespie’s house being torched before Christmas as “a Sure Thing”.   Those days of being loved in College Station are just a faded memory for Billy.

Best Headline of The Week – “McClatchy Stock ‘Considered Worthless’ Analysts Say”  ….. that glub glub sound you hear is The N&O’s death gurgle.   Stick a fork in’em.  John McCain will outlive The Old Reliable …. go figure! ….. on a related note:  The Newark Star-Ledger is likewise in its “final days” and recently reassigned two “journalists” (la-dee frickin’ daa!) to “the mailroom”!  Who says theres no more “good news”?

Those of you waiting to send Roy those home remedies for “shin splints” ….. don’t wait any longer.   UNC has made the Guiness Record Book for Most Tall Guys Named Tyler Sitting On A Bench Wearing Suits.

0 0 votes
Article Rating
Notify of
Inline Feedbacks
View all comments
Would love your thoughts, please comment.x