Risky Business

January16/ 2000

….. It’s time for that “ol’ time rock & roll” called March Madness.  Sons & Daughters of The Old Well are frantically evoking their deities of choice – “eenie meenie meiny moe, fix our point guard’s ailing toe”.  Like a pig’s contribution to breakfast – it’s a total commitment.  Ol’ Roy is playing Russian Roulette ….. one slip-up and he’s “board monkey meat”, and no more standing ovations at Squids (at least not for a few months).

The three months’ exhibition season is over.  Now they take the rubber tips off the arrows and play for keeps.  From Murphy to Manteo and in remote gatherings around the world, Old Wellers are nervously fingering rosary beads.  Nightmarish visions of last April’s “Oh No @ The Alamo” are percolating up from the deepest subconscious.  …… “CALL A TIMEOUT ROY!” ….. “OH MYGOD, ROY’S WEARING A JAYHAWK STICKER !!!”  

There are two absolutes for Carolina loyalists …… (1) Coach K is a low-down, no-count dirty bird …. and (2) every mid-March a key horse pulling the Big Blue Machine will throw a shoe.  Roll call …. Grubar – Smith – Davis – Legarde – Phelps ….. and now Lawson ….. NCAA records indicate that UNC is the ONLY team to ever lose a key player going into the tournament ….. except for all the others that did too.

Every Tar Heel worth his/her pair of Air Jordans has become an expert podiatrist.  If history is any indicator, Ol’ Roy has received over 12,000 home remedies for sprained toes in the past ten days.   Recall that pin-headed nitwit that, after the Wake Forest loss, suggested Ol’ Roy call in sick for the rest of the (lost) season.  Don’t you know that mental midget has some boffo thoughts these days.

A fanbase normally worried about “Heels” is focusing its concern at the other end of the foot these days.

Tar Heel hoop historians also fear Wayne Ellington contracting the dreaded March malady known as “can’t make a three to save his life” which infected Dante, Rick and Shammond at past Dances.

Duke won its umpteenth ACC Tournament in front of Little Johnny Swofford’s immediate family, the FSU dancing hotties and 60,000 empty Georgia Dome seats last week but “that dumb event doesn’t count any more (unless we win it, of course!)”.   “Everybody” also knows that laughable call with four seconds to go in the VaTech game was every bit as bogus as any flop ever called in Cameron.  If that doesn’t cause Seth Greenberg to leave the ACC for St John nothing will.

 Oh ,,,, oh ,,,, oh ….. great story …. Last Saturday night we were having dinner at Aqua in Beaufort with former Deacon BBer Jay Randall and “that New Bern girl”.  A waitress overhears us discussing basketball and interjects how upset she was that Carolina had just lost to FSU.  I reminded her that a far greater issue for concern is the lack of pulchritude with the Tar Heel Dance Team.  She got quite animated saying how her 9 y/o daughter had recently asked “Mommie, doesn’t Carolina have any prettier girls that those?” …… do I have my thumb on the pulse of the TarHeelNation or what?

Up at Radford, enterprising sports marketers are already printing t-shirts touting “Tyler was playing us when he broke JJ’s record”.   How ironic that Radford is only 47 miles from JJ’s high school alma mater – Cave Springs HS in Roanoke VA.   Equally ironic that both Hansbrough / Hansborough and Redick / Riddick are routinely misspelled by 87% of people classifying themselves as die-hard fans. …. In that same “Incredible Trivia” vein ….. UNC is the first #1 seed in NCAA history to have THREE players named “Ty” on its roster at the same time.

In the “time to up his retallin dosagef” category, I submit this quote from a UNC undergrad philosophizing that it is Carolina’s “destiny” to cut down the nets in Detroit …. “Because this senior class as had to endure (1) Mad Mohammed In The Pit AND (2) Eve Carson’s Tragic Death”. ….. YIKES!  Note that no mention was made of (3) “John Edwards’ love-child” or (4) “the shutting down of The Rat”, both of which also occurred since #50 arrived from Poplar Bluff.  Combining those four lalapaloozas all together and anyone other than Royz Boys reigning victorious in three weeks will be simply UNFAIR.

It should be noted that the hyperbolic banality above has been submitted for this year’s Paris Hilton Award for Intercollegiate Exaggerated Self-Importance.  The award is normally won by Ivy League kids but UNCers think this year could be their turn. …..

If you think Chapel Hill is in a funk about the academic budget cuts, just wait if ORW comes home early.  The Franklin Street Entitlement Society will gnaw off their arms and beat themselves senseless with their own appendages.

At 1600 Pennsylvania Ave, POTUS B. Obama has picked UNC, admonishing Ol’ Roy Coach, don’t let ME down and embarrass ME in front of the entire nation” …. TRUE STORY ….. UH OH .….  ORW’s well-documented disapproval of such fan admonitions is legendary.  Unconfirmed report has the colorfully glib Coach Williams muttering …..  F U and your teleprompter too …”

   Duke’s infamous “Gang of 88” has called an emergency protest rally for 5PM in KrzyzewskiVille.  Bring your own pots and pans and pitchforks.

A number of other pundits are indeed picking Carolina to celebrate a bright shining moment in Detroit including the much-despised Dick Vitale who never says anything good about Carolina except when he often does.  All picks are of course dependent on ORW picking the correct sprained toe remedy from among the 12,000 he has received this week.

Unlike most bracketeers, I employ a highly scientific method.  I have VCU beating both UCLA and Villanova based on the ILNT theory ….. “I Like Norwood Teague”.  The affable VCU AD will (1) win two games …. (2) lose his coach Anthony Grant to UVa …. and (3) finally meet someone he doesn’t already know.

Ol’ Roy is going into his 20th consecutive NCAA One & Done.  That’s pretty darn awesome.  Regardless of whether he dodges all six bullets in the gun this year or not ….. the freakin’ huckleberry has my full support.


If, somehow, Herb beats Roy in Round Four ….
How many WuffLoonies’ heads will explode?


63 fanbases are destined to be LOSERS in the next three weeks.  In emergency session on Wednesday, Congress has voted to “bail’em out” by sending a set of cutdown nets to every disappointed fan ….. IF the distraught fan will send in a smashed to smithereens AM radio and promise to never watch FoxNews ever again.

0 0 votes
Article Rating
Notify of
Inline Feedbacks
View all comments
Would love your thoughts, please comment.x