No More Color, Just Pageantry

January16/ 2000

…. Long-suffering Kenanites are hearing BCS melodies after their BIGGEST W since Connor Barth had a haircut.  Wuffs welcome Skip’s Boyz to the friendly confines of The Carter.   Deacs go scalp-hunting in Tally.   Devils welcome the hapless Hoos ….. and the NCAA wants to “de-color” College Football.

Butch’s Boyz whupped up on those Scarlet Knights up in Jersey like Tony Sopranos’ boys at a vendetta behind the Bada Bing.  Going in, The State University of New Jersey was “an elite program”.  By 11 PM last Thursday, they were just The State University of New Jersey again.  Butch’s record against his former assistants stays perfect.  There was a reason he had the corner office at The U.  Right Randy and Greg?

   The navy-panted Heels looked strong in all the obvious ways that a goggle-eyed loonie fan can see.  They scored a lot in a lot of ways and a lot more than Rutgers did.  All those “lots” have Heel-mania at fever pitch as Turkey-neck brings his turkeys into Not Fancy Enuff Kenan this Saturday.

   UNC fans are being asked to bring stop watches and pocket calculators as back-ups to Jumbo The Tempermental Scoreboard.

   I see Butch beating Beamer this time albeit Frank pretty much owns Butcher in their career meetings.  The Tech men just are not that intimidating this year.  If Butch wins Dickie will have to give him McCorkle Place and The Morehead Sundial. 

   In his weekly radio show some numbnutz actually asked “Hey Coach, if ya win 9 games this year, will you leave us for the NFL?”  To which Butch instructed Woody to shoot the call screener and replace him with a nephew of Jimma Sexton.  Woody said “yes sir, coach.”

  I’ll be gathering with The Clubhouse Tailgaters out to The Friday Center on Saturday AM.  Lots of funny Hokie guys wearing funny Hokie hats eating assorted roadkill covered in hot sauce.   A fine time will be had by all.

  You just know Tom O’Brien is looking forward to Thanksgiving this year.  The long-suffering Marine will be playing 8-man football within two weeks …. But his opponents won’t be.  Not much TO’B can do but all he can do which is what he will do.  Pretty soon the “Bring Back Chuck” idiots will sprout up like toadstools after a soaking rain.  If the Wuffs have a horseshoe game in’em either this one or Duke later would be the time to pull it out.   Lets hope no more State players get hurt …. And, as important, no fans get hurt in the post-game Knumbskull parade on the field. 

   Jim Grobe goes to Tally where he did a Little Big Horn on Bobby two years ago.  I hope he does it again.  Name two Seminoles.  Talk about a program that has faded to beige!  A convincing Deacon W might help Deacon fans get over Josh Howard making a 5-star jackass of himself recently. Chris Paul should go over to Dallas and whup that idjit’s butt.

   Over in West Derm the Iron Dukes are talking THREE Ws IN SEPTEMBER.  That beats Ted Roof’s Three Ws in The New Millenium by about 2 Ws.  Shouts of Break-Up The Blue Devil Dynasty are already being heard.  Duke’s Gang of 88 ain’t happy as The Wally is arockin.  Here come the Hapless Hoos.  Toss an extra roll of TP in those infamous Wally Water Closets …. This could get messy early.   I see Cut by 15 over Al as Cut sews up NCOY before the leaves start falling.

   Speaking of Horseshoes …. At the big one up in Columbus “Mr. Rogers” Tressel better hire an intern to start his car for a few months.  $3,000,000 buys a lot of sweater vests but no love from embarrassed Buckeye boosters.  At least no one cares any more if “Beanie” will play or not.

   Look for Chase’s Tigers to roll up half a hundred plus for the fourth week.  It’s a one game season for Mizzou as they go to Mack’s House in a few weeks.

    In the land of “student-athletes hahahaha” known as The SEC. they start beating each other up this week.  Some will win, some will lose and some coaches will get fired …. Not necessarily in that order.

   Meanwhile deep in the bowels of The NCAA HQ in Peytonanapolis, a very silly rule has emerged.  We first saw it in that NCSU v USC game when a USC player was penalized for doing pushups.  It officially exploded when Washington played BYU.  It’s The Fuddy Duddy Rule designed to force the 85% African American players to behave like the 15% white boys.

   I don’t really understand why black athletes are prone to all manner of elaborate celebratory histrionics when they score and/or make a big play.  (They don’t “get” my love of Tom T. Hall either) But celebrate elaborately they do.  White boys don’t.  EXCEPT for the one white kid for Washington that threw the ball UP after he scored against BYU.  With the resultant penalty, his team missed the PAT and lost the game.  “UP” was the problem.  DOWN or LEFT / RIGHT woulda been OK but “throwing it UP” was specifically outlawed by The Fuddy Duddy Rule.

   ANY sort of “Be Happy, Get Funky” stuff will now draw a penalty.

   I admit I used to roll my eyes when black athletes would go into their “Cab Calloway Meets James Brown and both get ants in their pants” end zone shows.  It was obviously a socio-cultural thing that I’m not suppose to “get” but what harm did it do?  Apparently it did do harm.

   The rich folks up in those hoity toity skyboxes took offense that the gyrating athletes on the field were not behaving like the rich folks in the hoity toity skyboxes BECAUSE …. They was different kinda folks!  Unlike basketball, football uniforms cover up most of the obvious “differences” so everyone can retreat into whatever 1950s retro-universe suits one.  Until all that “hootchee cootchee gyrating” gets to going.

   What’s next …. Require the bruthas to tie sweaters around their necks and wear khakis with no socks?

   The Fuddy Duddy Rule helps the skybox crowd feel more comfortable.  Now we just got to hope Fuddy Duddy Daddy doesn’t learn that daughter Muffy and Omar The Linebacker are text messaging each other and the term “hooking-up” keeps popping-up.  Even the NCAA can’t do much about THAT!


 If Rutgers is in Piscataway ….

Where did Pete’s Dragon live ? 


   Yes, Quinn Snyder was the Mizzou coach that ORW thumped to sneak Tyler outta Show Me Country.  I asked a number of Tiger fans “whatever happened to Coach Gucci?”  “Who cares?” was the only printable answer I got.

   “twas the Charge of The Light Brigade into The Valley of Death rode the 600 …. where it volleyed and thundered.  For sure that great poem was summarily tossed out of public education many decades ago. 

   As I figured, not much (any) support for EB in a post-Mary Mess World.  Even Dems are giving him low marks for “backbone” on this one.  As Crash Davis’ coach described “selling Lady Kenmores” …. “it’s a nasty bizness, really nasty”. 

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