Moses & Cocoanut Shrimp Amid The Pines

January16/ 2000

…. “Where was Moses when the lights went out?” was a ditty that Mamma used to recite to little BobLee.   Neither Mamma nor you would ever guess “where BobLee was when the lights went out”  among Kenan’s fabled pines.   It involves Napa Valley, cocoanut shrimp, huggin’ the Chancellor’s wife and Sarah Palin. …. BUT there were no cheerleaders in the toilet stall.

   Two Cheerleaders In A Toilet Stall is my all time favorite headline.  It involved two “former” Carolina Panther cheerleaders at Banana Joe’s sports bar in Tampa back about five years ago.  Lisa and Shelly somehow end up sharing a toilet stall and “making sex sounds” while a line of full she-bladders grew angry.  A bunch of bitch slapping ensued and Lisa and Shelley got fired by the Panthers for “having their mug shots taken without wearing make-up”.  …. BobLee’s second all time headline was the recent  “Satanic Ritual Gets Out-of-hand” over in Derm.

   What’s that got to do with Moses and cocoanut shrimp?  Nothing.  I just like to tell that story every few years.   

    “Where was Moses went the lights went out?” ….. “hidin’ in the corner with his shirt tail out.”   ???  Like most of my mom’s ditties you needed a secret decoder ring to figure’em out.  Did it refer to THE Moses or some other Moses?  “Moses” has never caught on as a baby name.  There are apparently a lot of “Hey Suses” (Jesus) down in the barrio; but not many Moses’ in the kibbutz.   “They” named a hospital in Greensboro after Moses Cone.  Was he afraid of the dark or just Kay Hagen?

   Here’s a thought.  Can you read the word “Moses” without envisioning Charlton Heston with his arms outstretched parting The Red Sea?  If you can you must be a member of Hamas (or Joe Biden, whichever is nuttier).


   Butch Davis notched his most impressive W in his 2-year stint as multi-million dollar savior of Tar Heel football last night.  How prophetic was it that as Bruce Carter blocked three more punts than the number of BCS games that UNC has ever played in …. venerable old Kenan Memorial Stadium drooled its oatmeal for an ESPN 2 TV audience.   

   Imagine inviting your fiancée to Thanksgiving dinner and Grandpa takes out his false teeth and sets’em next to the green bean casserole.  …. UNC Sports Marketing has its new slogan “Carolina Football – Lights Out!”  

   Alas …. The closely guarded secret is out now.  With The Rathskellar forever dark, Kenan Stadium is THE single largest building code violation in Orange County.  That even takes in all the hippie communes in Carrboro.     

   Restrooms that only The Wally would envy is one thing (always out of paper towels before the National Anthem is even played!).  Pieces of concrete falling randomly but hopefully only on visiting fans.  A Jumbotron controlled by a set of rabbit ears wrapped in aluminum foil.  Portals and stairwells so out-of-code that the local fire marshal won’t let his family get near’em.  Seat rows so narrow that anorexic midgets can’t move. And now a faulty wiring system held together with duct tape and prayer to a random deity  ….. but what the heck ….. don’t worry about any of that.  Keep the yahoos looking at the freakin pine trees.  

   Lets build us some shiny bling bling suites and sell’em to folks like Wachovia?  THUNK!  …… Whats that got to do with Moses and the freakin’ shrimp.  I’m getting to that.

   Imagine THE EPICENTER of Kenan’s fabled “Napa Valley”.  The Mount of Olives (Grapes) where the sweetest of that fabled “Carolina wine” is bottled and served to its most discriminating clientele.  Howsabout smack dap on the “50” high on The North Side ensconced in the cozy climate-controlled confines of The Chancellor’s Box …. Do that qualify boys and girls?  Huh, huh, does it?

   Here’s the scenario acted out high above the blue-clad untermensch rabble who were doing whatever common people do at mass public gatherings.

   It was a few minutes into the 3rd quarter and yours truly was munching away on a plate of (Taa Daa) “cocoanut shrimp” dipped in some delightful fancy tartar sauce.  

   Chancellor Holden “Doogie” Thorp comes up to me.  I’m facing the fabled Kenan greensward.  Doog’s back is to the field.  That’s an important detail.  

   “BobLee I need a favor, my friend.”

   “You mean you didn’t invite me up here just to give Jimmy Heavner a hotfoot?”

   “ No, but come to think of it …. nevermind …. BobLee you are well-connected in that Extreme Right-wing Fanatic Cult aren’t you?”

   “ I like to think so.”

   “ I’ll cut to the chase.  Can you get us Sarah Palin as our Spring Commencement speaker?” …… 

   ZAP !!! …. A homeless guy who identified himself to authorities as “Pliny The Elder” was at that exact moment stealing flowers out of the cemetery across from The Institute of Government.  “Pliny” swore that the ground shook on a 8.7 Richter level.  “it was as if every soul in the ground was aturnin’ over in their grave …. spinnin’ actually.”  CHPD filled out a report and “Pliny” swore off any drink stronger than Vitalis, except for special occasions.  

   Just as I was about to strike THE biggest deal in UNC history since Coach Gut signed Neal Fingleton …. Well, those of you at the game or watching on TV know what happened.

  “ Whoa Doog …. Check your coat pocket.  Did you pay the electric bill?”

  Holden checked the breast pocket of his navy blazer.  It was empty.  “Yeah, sure.  I dropped it in the mailbox outside Four Corners on Tuesday.  Now lets get back to Sarah Palin …”

  “ Dude, if you paid the bill, then the ghost of Frank Porter Graham just got really pissed at you for even mentioning Ms Sarah.  Your fabled pine-rimmed stadium just went dark.”

  Holden turned around to stare into the Stygian gloom.  He pulled out his cell phone.  There were no messages.  “I pay Willie Scroggs darn good money to deal with that stuff.  You want a lemon square?”

  “Sure.  Now about giving that hotfoot to Jimmy Heavner.  He’s sitting right over yonder two rows back of Paul Fulton and Moyer.  You sure you wouldn’t mind?”      

  “Let’s pretend this conversation never took place.  Here’s your lemon square.”

   I always say that GameDay in Chapel Hill is as much fun as you make it.  Maybe I go a bit overboard on occasion but given a choice I like to enjoy myself.

  Mythbusting About The Chancellor’s Box @ Kenan Stadium:

  1.  There are a lot of very friendly and enthusiastic Football Fans up “there”.  I was very impressed with the on-field knowledge and overt enthusiasm I saw exhibited throughout the game.  I bet that surprises most of you.
  2. Remember when the two Navy ROTC cadets were introduced on the field.  I fully expected my fellow VIPs to commence to throwing rotting produce or yelling Che Guevarra Lives.  They didn’t at all.  They cheered the representatives of the American military establishment as if they really liked’em.  (NOTE:  If Gene Nichol was in the box I didn’t see him.  Which is a good thing for soooo many reasons.)
  3. The buffet is mighty fine but 97% of the folks were intently watching the game and only distracted themselves for vittles at halftime.  The remaining 3% were a gaggle of faux-tanned matrons discussing “chintz” down at the far end by the elevator.  I walked by’em once to go pee and heard the phrase ”…. so roguish” uttered.  I kept on walking.  Brrrrr.
  4. When something really good happens for Tar Heel Football I now know THE PLACE TO BE.  Within 10’ of Patti Thorp.  Mrs Chancellor is the hugginest woman I’ve ever seen.  That lady’s love for, and wild enthusiasm for, Carolina Football beats 10,000 moronic board monkeys on peyote …. I thought about it as I was leaving.  The next time (and there WILL be a next time) that the lights go out in Kenan – just have Ms Patti THorp lay her hand on the fuse box.  That little gal is ELECTRIC. …. And cute as a button too.  Erskine and I agree “she’s a pistol”.

 Holden and Patti Thorp.  Two very nice “good people” that I’m very proud to call BobLee Buddies.     

   OK …. That part about Holden asking me to get him Sarah Palin for his Spring  commencement speaker did NOT actually happen …. But it might have.  I’m pretty sure that’s what he was fixin’ to ask me when I interrupted ….  “Yo Doog, did ya pay the light bill?” ….. in The Chancellor’s Box on “the night the lights went out in Kenan”


 A Poll For Kenanites ….

What’s YOUR Priority for Kenan Stadium?

1.  Fix all the antiquated broken stuff first …. providing 

basic comfort and safety to “us” at $50/ticket.

2.  Spend the $$$ on flashy Bling Bling 

to impress Billy BlueChip.  Screw the fans.  

They’ll keep coming regardless. 

NOTE:  Any Wuffs or Dookies trying to vote with comments such “blow the ugly pile of crap to kingdom come” will not be counted. 

BobLee’s suggestion for more GameDay Parking  = Nuke Carrboro and pave over that whole toxic mess for a giant Shuttle Lot.


 “…. BL, I grabbed my 10 y/o when that first bank of lights went out. We vamoosed. 50,000  Kenanites stumbling around in the dark was not a pretty scenario to consider.  I vote we fix what we can fix as fast as we can fix it. –  NC – Edgecombe County   

   The Toledo Blade is a neat newspaper name because Toledo’s namesake city – Toledo Spain – was the swordmaking center of Europe.  Sword – blade – Toledo ….. get it?  Speaking of newspapers ….

   The folks still employed at the N&O officially declared all-out war on 50%+ of its market on Sunday giving full op/ed privileges to – Gene Nichol.  You all know Geno.  …. architect of John Edwards’ UNC Poverty Scam ….. then fired at William & Mary for a laundry list of arrogant atrocities against Christianity.  Geno is hoping, with the N&O’s support, to be an Obama Supreme Court nominee.  Sleep well tonight, America !. …. I will go into more details via Platinum Pals.

   This Column has a very HIGH Pass-along Factor to it.  Our Tell-A-Friend feature is busted …. Grrrrr …. So just copy the URL (that scrawl of numbers and letters in that box way up at the top there that begins with http …) and send that to all your friends.  Our “new platform” will have a functioning Tell-A-Friend feature.  I promise.

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