Meanwhile the rest of the World

January16/ 2000

….. This is “a 96% No Easley column”.  Apparently the rest of Earth has not stood still while Mike&Mary roasted on the spit of scandal.  Who knew? …… The NBA and NHL are playoffing (again, Who Knew?).  Mike Vick has new ankle bling courtesy of  “the Feds”.  Eliz Edwards is still “feeling” ….. BobLee visits Golden Corral and sees his first “muslim big’un” !!!

Buddies & Babes, I’m not a small boy.  I top out at about 6’4” and 220.  My 40 time, alas, is measured with a sundial and my vertical jump is about 30” below DT’s.  When I enter a building I expect to be “that big guy over yonder with the blonde”.

Wednesday night, “the blonde” was in Missouri so I decided to go to Golden Corral for dinner.   We never go as a couple because the place gives Missus the heeby jeebies, but I kinda like it.   It was 7:30 and there were about 100 “eaters” on hand.  I was the 3rd smallest human in the place and that includes several dozen knee babies, a midget and a octogeneric granny.   I sat alone off in a corner.  My server brought me a 200 lbs anvil to set beside me.   She was afraid, being so light, my entire side of the room would flip up like the other end of a teeter-totter.  Like balancing the load in a boat.

We are talkin’ BIG-UNS.  He big’uns, she big’uns, baby big’uns, black big’uns, white big’uns ….. and I’ll be darned ….. even MUSLIM BIG’UNS.  I didn’t even think there were Muslim Big’uns.   The big’uns weren’t using spoons and forks.  They were using shovels and racks.   They weren’t using trays.  They were using wheelbarrows.

Sparks were flyin’ from every table.  Imagine a school of ravenous piranhas the size of Great Whites.  Really BIG Great Whites.   Imagine the zombies in Night Of The Living Dead coming upon a Baptist tent revival.  Neither the Baptists nor the pot roast had a chance.  …… You don’t believe me about “muslim big’uns” do you.

I don’t mean to be disparaging.  I’m just saying there were a LOT of very large people at Golden Corral when I was there.  Was I a modern day Lemuel Gulliver at this Brobdingnagian Buffet ? …. What lesson was Jonathan Swift revealing to me?


Today, Friday, I had business over near Garner in our metro area.  I dropped in to a little bbq joint for lunch.   An “alternative newspaper” out front caught my eye.  “Alternative Newspapers” are like supermarket tabloids except “alternative newspapers” take themselves REALLY REALLY seriously.

These things are 90% lonely humanoids seeking temporary companionships from anything that fogs a mirror (or has within the past 60 days).   The ideological “bent” of alternative newspapers is three clicks beyond Really Far Left.   The cover offered a tease to an article inside – “We’re To Blame For The Fall Of The Edwards”.  Who could resist?  KInda like my “sex kitten” thing in the last column, huh?

It was a hoot of an article by some Edwardian disciple named Bob Geary.  To quote Bob ….. “John’s head got turned by a major league charmer (Reille) with her cameras and New York City know-how …… He (John) didn’t have a clue how far in over his head he was.  Nor unfortunately did we.”  …… I got a hushpuppy caught in my throat with that and my waitress Rachel had to perform the Heimlich.

Bob struck me as a guy with no sense of humor but seriously washed-in-the-ideological blood of his ilk.  Next time I visit the mall I’m going to imagine which mall-ite might be Bob Geary.

Reille Hunter – “major league charmer with her cameras and NYC know how”.   That’s as “rich” as Crystal Gayle Mangum as “honor student and single mother of two”.  Reille was an anorexic skank trolling hotel bars looking for half drunk and very lonely salesmen (ideally with in-remission STDs).  Reille Hunter knew as much about Videography as Crystal Mangum knows about quantum physics.

After Rachel got me to cough up the hushpuppy she let me read that paragraph out loud to the other patrons ….. one of whom had a Billy Ray Cyrus-level mullet.  I was in a very right-wing setting reading very left-wing tripe.  It was America 2009.


You’re not gonna like this but ….. I think Michael Vick deserves another chance.   He did the crime and served the time.  I realize many of you just don’t like Vick at all because …… he’s black ….. he’s a pro athlete ….. he’s from VaTech ….. he had a posse ….. he was involved in killing animals ….. or a combination of all those and more.   I appreciate that but if an NFL owner wants to endure the fan reaction to see if Vick can help his team win on Sundays, I’m OK with it.


   I am watching the last three minutes of the 4th quarters of the NBA playoffs and the last ten minutes of the third periods of the Canes games.  Lots of exciting on-court on-ice action.  Labron, Kobe and Carmello CAN play freakin’ basketball.   Yes, they have a lot of tattoos and some of those same Vick qualitis, but they sure can play basketball.  If its Nuggets v Magic in the NBA Finals, a bunch of NBA marketers will commit hari-kari.


Many have asked ….. could the Easley scandal “save The N&O?”   NO.  Yes, America needs investigative journalism ABSOLUTELY.  The thought of no 4th estate watching the nasty politicians is terrifying.  But America does not “need” newspapers.   Newspapers are not dying because they are “liberal”.  Newspapers are dying because “information technology” caught them napping.   I have followed every word of The Easley Scandal without buying/looking at “a single newspaper” ….. nor remembering/noticing a single Internet ad.

Newspaper are/were to information …. Like horse drawn carriages were to transportation.  In their days, they were the best form of it we had.   That day is gone.


 Amy Mickelson has breast cancer.  Phil is taking indefinite leave from the PGA Tour to be with his ailing wife.  That means missing the US Open where he would be among the favorites.  Meanwhile Elizabeth Edwards’ hubby is supposedly in San Salvador helping “poor people”.

The “major league charmer” meanwhile is really po-ed at being referred to as “it” in Lizzie’s book-of-the-month.   There is an Addams Family joke in there somewhere.


Former UNC BBer, Jim Delany, now Big Ten Commish, had his comments posted this week in USAToday regarding the BCS issue …… “with all due respect, this issue is more complex that President Obama realizes”.   Raging lunatics promptly descended on the USAToday comments board threatening Delany’s life and saying he is  an un-American  %$#&%$. …… “Oh say can you see thru the dawn’s early light ……”  Be careful out there Jim.


TRUE:  Congress is rethinking closing down Camp Gitmo.  Thinking instead that simply renaming it will resolve the yucky image problem.   Early suggestions include “72 Virgins Island” and “Islamo-Margaritaville”.  

Joe Biden immediately suggested “Rhode Island”.  When told there already is a Rhode Island, a Biden aide said what the Vice President meant to say this time was “Connecticut”.  The over/under on Joe making a coherent statement is September 2011.


What about Mary Easley?  To paraphrase Tina Turner ……

Mary won’t leave a good job in the city
Working for the man every night and day
And she’s never lost one minute of sleeping
Worrying bout the way things might have been
….. Proud Mary keeps on working ….”



Please explain NHL “line changes” to me.
How is there a home team advantage ???


“Knock’em Out John” is a legendary punch line from one of Jerry Clower’s most memorable bits.  John Eubanks from Yazoo City, Mississippi would climb trees and knock out raccoons, and the occasional lynx.

As we shuffle and deal endless political accusations and denials ad infinitum …… keep in mind BobLee’s Rule Of Convenient Truth …… “Truth” in 2009 is whatever you want it to be.  Either side “could” be right.  Either side “could” be wrong.  Both sides “could” be wrong.  Almost never “could” both sides be right.  When you come upon some emphatic pronouncement on the Internet on whatever issue and you proclaim “Ah ha, I knew it!” and you rush to tell others …… be assured that your ideological opposite is equally inspired by something he just read and is equally excited to share it with his co-horts.

 What’s a person to believe BobLee?  I can’t answer that my friends.  Pretty much question everything except your core beliefs.  If you don’t have any core beliefs, then it really doesn’t matter what you believe, now does it?

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