Lots of Hair and Teeth but no Appendix

January16/ 2000

….. Farrah Fawcett is in her final days from a several years fight with cancer.  She is 62.  The most recent Celebrity Death Trifecta included Jack Kemp, Bea Arthur and Las Vegas’ Danny Gans.   I’m in a Dead Pool with my very very irreverent in-laws.  I had Farrah in this most recent one.  When Farrah does leave us, a significant part of Baby Boomerism goes with her.

I view “death” differently than normal people do.  I’m pretty sure that burying one’s head in the sand and humming really loud does not frighten away The Grim Reaper.  My reservation thru Eternal Expedia are confirmed.

As noted, I’ve attended six funerals over the past 90 days.  By comparison, over the same period I’ve attended one movie …..  zero NBA games …. and our favorite restaurant – MEZ – four times.  When you’ve learned the second verse of Amazing Grace you’re going to too many funerals.

BobLee Life Lesson:  “Attending a funeral” is like “writing a thank you note” …… you will NEVER be criticized for doing either one.  NEVER!

I’m learning valuable lessons.  #1 is that if you are accumulating “good works” in order to insure yourself of a boffo funeral, you need to rethink some stuff ASAP.  The primo factor in having a well-attended funeral is, as it’s always been – The Weather.  Also ….. dying on a Wednesday is best because that likely means a Saturday service which is better for out-of-town attendees ….. unless its Spring which conflicts with “da beach” or Fall which conflicts with “the big game”.

Non-attendees will never say it was “da beach” or “the big game”.  But it will be.

If you are an “infrequent” churchgoer opt for a funeral home/graveside service otherwise the minister who’s name you could never remember will simply pull out a generic mini-sermon basing his rather awkward personal anecdote on what some nitwit cousin of yours tells him.  I’m not sure how ministers always find your nitwit cousins to ask but they do.

The recent popularity of cremation is attributed to most folks’ inability to come up with six friends to be pallbearers.  Yikes!  Having to “rent” pallbearers makes a louder statement than anything a minister might say about you.

If you plan to write your own eulogy (not for amateurs by the way) provide phonetic spelling for everything more than three syllables and any cutesy phrases.  You would think that whoever reads your “eulogy from the grave” will read it thru at least once before he/she reads it aloud to the gathered throng.  You really would think that, wouldn’t you?   Keep it to one page otherwise he/she will get the pages out of order and it will be an Obamic Teleprompter snafu.

I’m 100% sure that 99% of the media coverage of Farrah will reference “the poster” from 1976.   And therein lies the reason that everyone over 40 knows “Farrah” ….. born in Feb 1947 in Corpus Christi, TX.  In 1976 she played Jill Munroe in the first season of Charlie’s Angels.  Simultaneously with that, Wella Balsam hair products produced “the poster” of her with her golden mane tousled and her pearly whites gleaming attired in a red one-piece swimsuit.  It sold 12,000,000 copies.

A few years later she appeared in the critically acclaimed “The Burning Bed” about an abused wife who burns up her abusive husband.    The actual name of that TV-movie was “the critically acclaimed The Burning Bed”.   

She appeared in a handful of other TV movies but neither you nor I remember any of them.  She divorced Lee “$6,000,000 Man” Majors and lived with Ryan O’Neal for a long time.  Ryan O’Neal appeared in “the critically acclaimed Love Story” where he never actually said “Love means never having to say you are sorry”.   …… Steven Seagall films more movies in a month than Farrah or Ryan ever appeared in.

Farrah’s ranking among the All’Time Sex Symbols will be much higher than her resume merits, which is not her fault at all.  I don’t begrudge her lasting fame.  It is a tribute to the incredible shallowness of pop culture.   Her one “critically acclaimed TV-movie” is one more than Paris Hilton or Kim Kardashian will ever have.

Before Farrah there were …

Last night (Sunday) I was attending a “faith-based” dinner at an undisclosed location in Orange County.   My “Morehead columns” were the subject of discussion (ya reckon!).   A recently deceased Tar Heel footballer from the 50s was mentioned.  In addition to his grid exploits he was also an MD ….. and (taaa da) A Morehead Scholar.  He was also quite renown as a very braggadocios  fellow.   One of his “have I ever told you that I …..” stories was that he removed Farrah Fawcett’s appendix.

Somewhat related ….. a friend of mine is attempting to publish a list of any/all UNC faculty admitting to being Christians.  It has something to do with an upcoming visit from the Angel of Death and a new “passover”.

When Patrick Swayze dies, I hope they use a lot of Road House quotes instead of Dirty Dancing footage and stuff from Ghost.  A picture of St Peter saying “I thought you’d be bigger ….” would be outta sight.  With both Farrah and Patrick passing, let’s hope their nitwit cousins stay out of it.


Who replaced Farrah on Angels ….
And what was her character’s name?


For dabblers in Celebrity Death Pools, the “does Danny Gans count” issue has been, I’m sure, an issue of concern.   I was skeptical at first but when the media death notice included quotes from both Seigfried & Roy I swung over to the “Danny Gans counts” side.

Bill Cobey immediately preceded Swofford as UNC AD.  Homer Rice preceded Bill.  At least that’s how Bill remembers it.

Lee Fowler Update ….. the embattled NCSU AD has emerged triumphant from his recent skirmish with RabidPackLoonies.  “Wuffs That Matter” remain in Lee’s corner.  There will be more assassination plots in the months to come.  RabidPackLoonies have declared a Jed Jihad.

 Arlen’s Initiation ….. Arlen Spectre completed Phase One of his initiation as a Democrat on Sunday by condemning Republicans for not curing cancer ??? Phase Two involves holding a lighted match while reciting a Jeremiah Wright sermon.  Phase Three is supersecret but involves Arlen blindfolded in his underwear and Nancy Pelosi’s armpits.

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