Life Lesson #37 – Use a small plate.

January16/ 2000

….. The majority of Life Lessons seem to come as one is walking down Life’s #15 Fairway and its too late to do anything but imagine “if I’d only known ….”.   BobLee shares his latest Cassandrian Absolute.   How many former Miss USAs can you name?  (No, “she” was a Miss America ….. nope, so was “she” ….)  How many BOLLYwood Hotties can you name? ….. and “Larry The Provost Guy” falls on his sword at NC State.
LATE BREAKING NEWS – Erskine now calling for McQueen’s head on platter !!!

HELLZAPOPPIN’ In Raleigh on Friday  …… FBI launches investigation of Easleys.  State Election Commission launches investigation of Easleys …… McQueen Campbell Quits as NCSU BOT head.  Other than that, not much …..  

I have a question about Mahatma Ghandi.  Would Mahatma be just “an Indian” or “a Native Indian”?  Prehaps my pals in South Dakota have that answer.  We supposedly called our Indians “Indians” because Columbus thought he had landed in the Punjab.  When Chris went to check in at the San Salvador EconoLodge and the manager was not named “Patel” that shoulda been a clue, don’t you think?

Several years ago I wrote a column about cafeterias.  One of my personal favorites.  I profered that if I owned a cafeteria I would have extra large trays.  Everyone knows you HAVE to fill every square inch of your tray with a little bowl or dish of something.  It’s a rule.  Ergo, the bigger the tray, the more little dishes you are compelled to pile on.   Regardless you still end up putting that tall piece of lemon meringue pie on top of the garlic bread dish.

Using that same premise ….. I really don’t like to go to a grocery store.  I will never call’em “supermarkets” any more than I will ever call a tennis shoe a “sneaker”.  I never go with more than three items on my list.  I never take a cart.  I never even take a basket.  Limited to what I can carry in my arms I can get out with just my needed three items.

If I take a basket, never mind a cart, I WILL fill it up.  By the way …… speaking of grocery stores, I realized recently that the only People Magazine I’ve picked up in over three years was that recent one with Valerie Bertinelli in the bikini on the cover.   Anyone who did NOT pick that one up probably doesn’t eat much red meat.

Carrying out the “fill up all space available” theory ….. when going thru a buffet line just carry a salad plate.  You can still pile up a lot of stuff but not as much as you pile up on a larger plate.  I know it all sounds simple but very few of us do it.  Which brings us to Life Lesson #37 …… “Use a small plate …… when following ‘the news’”  You really don’t need to know today’s political scandals in DC and/or anything coming out of NYC or LA.

97.9% of “the news” is going to depress you.  It’s the equivalent of looking at ugly fat girl porn.   You feel guilty and ashamed and it kills three dozen brain cells that might include those cells that know where you put the WD40 the last time you used it.  Using a small “news plate” doesn’t mean the news you do read will be any better …. Just that there won’t be as much of it to depress you.

 Perfect example …… the on-going Miss California brouhaha.  Assuming you know about “it” ….. suppose you didn’t?  How might your life right now be any different?  The likelihood that Perez Hilton will be a Jeopardy question is remote.  Regardless you had already forgotten his name.

Sure the Hollywood Blowtorch blasted Carrie Prejean to remind us how incredibly awful they are.   Donald Trump was thrown in the media briar patch and loves every headline of it.  The girl who actually won the silly pageant is as totally obscure as an assistant women’s BB coach at NC State (It’s been three weeks, do you recall HER name?)  The nice pretty Christian girl with the semi-nudie pictures has/will get more publicity than all the former Miss USAs EVER.

Carrie Prejean coulda finessed the whole gay-marriage question if she had taken a fire baton and crammed it up the south-bound end of a north-bound Perez Hilton.  Perez being Perez woulda loved that I imagine.

Allow yourself a small plate of just 250 words of “news” each day.  If The Rapture occurs or John Wall finally makes up his mind both will be within those 250 words.   250 words/news/day plus 1-2 of these columns/week should do it.   At least try it for a few weeks.

    Who’s heard of Padma Lakshmi?  She’s a Bollywood Hottie.  OK, who knows what I mean by “Bollywood”?  “Bollywood” is India’s movie industry.  After the Indians got tired of waiting for Columbus they decided to get into Technical Support for software manufacturers …… and film making.  Who knew?

Padma (“Pad-Ma”) is their first break-out star doing Hardees’ Hamburger commercials.  She looks like Halle Berry and successfully turns eating a Super Gi-normous cardiac-burger into an erotic X-rated video.  As Indians go,  I’m partial to Princess SummerFallWinterSpring myself.  Which brings us conveniently to McQueen “Howdy Doody” Campbell and the latest “Perils of Lady Easley On The Brickyard”.

At 10:15 AM on Thursday “Larry The Provost Guy” at NCSU set his hair on fire and dived under a Wolf-Line bus on Western Blvd.  OK, Larry simply fell on his little bureaucratic sword like a nice little administrative flunky.  Which answers the age-old quandary

Q:  “What the hell does a Provost do?”
 A:  They fall on their little swords in exchange for a cushy faculty position in an obscure brick building twixt Hillsborough St and Western Blvd.

Not Yet Indicted co-conspirators in The Mary Mess are hoping we ravenous jackals in the new media will get our fill gnawing the carcuss of “Larry The ex-Provost Guy”.  Personally I’m using a small plate for Larry and saving room for McQueen and Mike & Mary.

Having covered dozens of these slimey political scams over the years …… “a shmoe named Larry always gets thrown under the bus” in Step One as the screws begin to tighten.  The Rule is “go as far down the food chain as possible and fling a hapless flunky under the bus”.   It’s a good ploy.  Even if it doesn’t stop the media mob, it gets rid of a flunky ….. “flunkies” definitely are not an endangered species on a college campus. …..(NOTE:  Folks are  saying “Larry was (is) a nice guy”.  I’m sure he was (is).  People like The Easleys always dupe “nice guys” into being fall guys.)

 BREAKING NEWS ..… Fri N&O reports Erskine now calling for McQueen’s little red head on a platter.  Go get’em Erskine!  I KNEW my buddy Buford Bowles would do whats right.

I used to work with a company where the arrogant son-of-the-founder would routinely screw up and promptly fire a guy on the loading dock or a timid invertebrate in accounting.  In his warped mind, throwing innocent clerks into the unemployment Volcano made up for his personal screw-ups.  Turnover in Accounting and Shipping was quite high as you might imagine.


Miss USA 1980 Shawn Weatherly was quite “the catch”
as girlfriend for what former SF 49er receiver .


For those of you still unsure about the eminent Apocalypse …… “Two Yellowstone Park employees were fired today for urinating in Old Faithful.”   I’m pretty sure that’s either the 4th or 5th sign between “raining frogs” and “rivers of blood”. 

At her current pace of a book-a-month, Elizabeth Edwards trails only James Patterson and Nora Roberts in # printed words in ’09.   She should pass Nora by July.  Is it just me or do the names of Elizabeth’s books all sound like designer perfumes at Macy’s …… “Reflections” ….. “Redemption” ….. “Obsession” ….. “Tribulation” ….. ?

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