January16/ 2000

…… The term in the TV bizness is “sweeps week” – when TV networks and affiliates schedule provocative specials to spike their ratings.  Usually involving sexually-oriented issues.   “Fallen Angels / Teen Prostitution” is a staple.  If websites had “sweeps week” we might do a column on “THE UNC DANCE TEAM”.   You reckon?

I’m a lot of things not covered in the Boy Scouts oath but naïve isn’t among my liabilities.  I knew that blurb about the UNC Dance Team would shake’em up.   I did not anticipate the firestorm of AGREEMENT from readers.  Once again, BobLee speaks for those who have no Internet voice.

“Yo Dickie & Holden.  You got a little problem.  But it is fixable.”

If you missed it, go to the bottom of “A Whole Lot of Sports Stuff”.  I edited a couple of lines from the original so you might want to read the final version.  Readers comments were much more graphically unflattering than mine in their opinion of this highly visible aspect of UNC.  BobLee Babes were especially vocal in their concern.   A comparison of The Dance Team to the Band’s “flag girls” even made me wince.  Tough crowd!

The genus for all this came from the recent UNC v Maryland BB game.   Sec 108 – Row I – Seat 10.   Mid-court, nine rows up.  Tyler’s mom was maybe 10-12’ away along with assorted area luminaries.  Primo Napa Valley real estate.  From that close you can see the ingrown hairs on Eric Montross’ neck along with dance team members’ tummies and lots more about UNC Basketball than one really needs to know.

I was between two generations of Tar Heels ….. a couple in their mid 70s and their son in his mid 40s.  I am between the two.  There were three UNC generations in this ad hoc focus group.  My observations got immediate confirmation from my associates.  I had made similar observations last year as I was reminded.  I did not ask Tyler’s mom but being a former Miss Missouri I bet I know what she would say.

Yes, I received the obligatory “HOW DARE YOU….” e-mail from “a senior UNC Ath Dept official”.   Michael Corleone figured “it will be either Clemenceau or Tessio”.  It was Tessio.  My relationship with that person has always been “edgy”.  I wasn’t fazed.  I understand his good corporate soldier mindset.  I don’t share it.

Officials at UNC are like any corporate executives ….. or you or I.  People don’t like to be criticized.   When it happens, they grimace, mutter invectives and send HOW DARE YOU e-mails.  They make sure their boss gets a “I showed him by golly” copy of the e-mail.  To use a Duffin-Mifflin analogy – “Dwight” wrote the e-mail and sent a copy to “Michael”.  

To the actual issue …… “Dance Teams” are interesting phenomenons.  Cheerleaders (high school / college variety) are perky gymnasts who flip and fly and fling 100 watt smiles into the upper deck and are the subject of more male fantasies than “winning the lottery” or “making a hole-in-one”.

The cheerleader type” = perky, buff, cute, gymnastical, and more perky.  Regardless how politically correctly worded the standards for a school’s cheerleaders might be …..  “Ugly Betty” never makes the final cut.  “Traci” who is 5’4”, 110 lbs with a tight core and dimples wins every time.  Coincidence?

College dance teams are different.  (The NFL is another thing altogether.)  Gymnastic skills are not needed so size can vary.  The uniforms are form-fitting and revealing but in a semi-prudish way that only offends the easily offendable.  The spectrum runs from “aren’t they sweet” to “all they need is a brass pole”.  UNC has always aimed for the middle of that spectrum.   Their aim is off this year.

The Bunting Era had mediocre football teams, but the Dance Teams had a pretty high Hottie factor.  Certain girls have the “it” factor.  Put’em in spandex or in burlap.  They make either look naughty without really trying.

I never implied that UNC should load their dance team with Carmen Electra wannabes.  The current team members would be quite suitable IF someone worked with them on appearance and their physical condition.  Isn’t that what “whoever is in charge” SHOULD be doing ?  If Roy’s Boys were missing 90% of their free throws, wouldn’t the shooting coach be feeling some heat?   Don’t fault the coeds …. FIND WHO IS IN CHARGE ?

“Who is in charge” ?  That’s always a fun snipe hunt to take around the UNC campus.  It’s guaranteed to draw blank stares and “Idontknows”.  Very common in any megalo-bureaucracy.

98% of men look gross as hell in wife-beater t-shirts and sandals.  I’ve never worn either for very good reasons.  Most women over 45 can’t go sleeveless without help from Mr Liposuction.  A trip to any mall reminds you that not everyone gets those memos.  …..  Dance teams don’t look good in spandex pants and crop tops if they have pasty skin tone and jelly bellies.   Combine that with poor make-up and cheap haircuts and it gets yucky.

 “Carolina Girls” are as hallowed a tradition as The Old Well.  From the appearance of the 2009 Dance Team, someone needs to prime the pump.

  BobLee Rule #7 
Never point out a problem without offering a solution.

THE SOLUTION.   Tami Hansbrough, Tyler’s mom.  Former beauty queen and fine looking lady in her early 50s (??).   Tami, your son’s alma mater needs you but not to raise bucks for the dental school ….. To take over the UNC Dance Team and whip’em into shape.

Remember Missus’ personal trainer “Kick-Butt Nikki” with the pierced tongue and 5% body fat?  If Tami Hansbrough will take over the hair, make-up, skin tone and attitude areas, I’ll have Nikki burn those jelly bellies into six-paks.  Get started ASAP and we might be ready by Tournament time.   Times awasting.

Who’s payin for all this?  No Problemo.  I know enough dirty ol’ Rams who’ll give me their secret Cayman account #s just for the sweaty towels after each Dance Team workout.


Will anything be “done” this year?  Of course not.  Officials will pout and harumph like officials always do.  But the seed has been planted …… we’ll revisit the topic now and again.

“BobLee, isn’t this a silly subject?”  It certainly is.  99% of all issues on a college campus (that do not involve the death of someone) are “silly”.  Would you rather I discuss Dance Teams or Gene Nichol’s toenail fungus?

You might notice some new horns & whistles on this website.  ALL will be explained very soon Buddies and Babes.  Feel free to noodle around ….. full disclosure within 36 hours.

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