High Pressure & Hot Mammas

January16/ 2000

You might think it’s hectic for NBA and NFL clubs when they “draft” their incoming players.  Lottery picks, free agents, demands to play only for certain teams … BOSH!  That ain’t nothing compared to the pressure of a Little League Draft. BobLee’s good buddies have some doozies to report.

   Let me introduce you to yet another of the incredibly cool sumbitches that fill up my Buddy Rolodex – “Riverwalk Bobby”.  “Riverwalk Bobby” coincidentally lives in San Antonio; otherwise he would be Golden Gate Bobby or Bayou Bobby or Badlands Bobby.  If you recall my column some time ago about watching a ball game with Clyde King; Bobby was with Mr. King and Mr Swagger that night.

   Our 20 years friendship began, as friendships so often do, as judges for a cheerleader jiggle squad for the NBA’s Kansas City Kings … The Glitter Girls.  

   Bobby and BobLee were 2 of the 5 judges of aspiring Glitter Girls.  I only recall three of our selections … “Cleopatra”, “Thunder Thighs”, and “Born To Glitter”.  “Cleopatra” was dating Kings’ point guard, a Mr Phil Ford, at the time.  She was a lock regardless of her friendship with the pride of Rocky Mount.  “Thunder Thighs” was a young lady who had combined bodybuilding with beauty and some dance talent.  “Born To Glitter” was simply AWESOME.  Pick any three Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders over the past 30 years and I would put BTG up against’em before any judge on Earth.  BTG would leave Britany Spears flatfooted at the starting line. … what the heck does this have to do with Little League … oh yeah, sorry!

   So now Riverwalk Bobby is an International Radio Mogul-Executive and fulltime Little League coach.  His two most prize possessions outside of his family are his Blackberry and an updated OAG. Do you know anyone who actually does business in Bogata, Budapest, and Barcelona … Riverwalk Bobby does!

   Such a big time bizness guy obviously does everything “state-of-the-art” … right?  Well, lets see.  He agrees to coach Riverwalk Bobby Jr’s Little League team along with a buddy.  Their league holds its annual player draft.  Apparently Little League Player Draft Day is pretty big in San Antonio.  All the “take this quite seriously” coaches show up with stopwatches, tape measures and graphs and databases.  Bobby did not say if the kids take the Wonderlic Personality Index test or not … probably.  Bobby and his buddy show up with a note pad and a Sharpie.

   Bobby had come up with a revolutionary formula for choosing a Little League team.  He did not patent it so I suppose any of you could swipe it for your own. The specific order of this strategy is all important.

  1.  Choose the best “pitcher” available.  One kid who can throw the ball in the general direction of home plate 2 out of 5 times.
  2. Choose a “catcher” who can at least stop the ball before it rolls all the way to the backstop
  3. Choose the kids with the purtiest mammas.

   See, I told you Riverwalk Bobby was my kinda guy.  #3 of course is the key to the whole plan.  Now if you think Bobby is just figuring he’ll make some time with some ladies you don’t know Bobby.  Mrs Pam is all Bobby needs and wants in that regard.  Here’s the genius to Bobby’s plan.

   Who do “pretty ladies” tend to marry for Husband #1 … BMOC Jocks … of course. So if you see a hottie mamma of a 9-10 year old it’s a good bet the kid has has some athletic genes on his DNA helix.  Ex-High School Hero Daddy may be an egotistical loser who can’t hold a real job; but his kid can likely stop a grounder without losing all his “little boy teeth” in the process.

   Now this theory breaks down as the kids get older.  In our disposable society, Hottie Mamma may drop Ne’er Do Well Hunky Dad for a mature adult accountant or zillionaire computer nerd as the kids hit high school … but that’s not Bobby’s concern.

   The “take this really serious” other coaches scoffed at Bobby’s strategy.  Don’t ever scoff at a man who knows where to get a good cup of coffee in Copenhagen.  Bobby e-mailed me last week that they were 5-1 after 3 weeks including defeating the juggernaut team that had been undefeated for the past two years … plus the bleacher scenery when Bobby’s team plays is definitely first-rate.

NOTE: “Riverwalk Bobby’s” Little League Draft Genius was recognized by San Antonio Poobahs …  I’ll be darned if he ain’t set to be Head Dude for The Alamo Bowl in 2006 … Yee Haa … he be quite cool!


   My other buddy, Duke Buck of the Dilworth Bucks, had his own similar experience.  Duke agreed to coach a team and goes to “the draft”.  He was getting an “expansion team” so he got extra picks.  The “really serious” coaches had their dossiers on kids starting with Tee Ball so they already had “hot names” on their list.  But nobody had ever seen or heard of “Dwayne”.  “Dwayne” was “The New Kid” from out-of-town (ominous Darth Vader voice for “The New Kid”).  

   “Dwayne” is a “big kid”.  He goes thru the various skill tests and scares people … scares them that he will hurt himself.  Dwayne is a totally uncoordinated disaster afield and at bat.  Duke and his co-coach quickly pass on “Dwayne” as do the other coaches in the reverse order of finish last season picking order.  “Dwayne” ends up with last year’s juggernaut.  Can you guess what has happened?  Yep … 

   “Dwayne” was tanking it.  Purposely flunking all of the skill test so the weak teams would pass on him.  The coach of the “juggernaut” had arranged the ruse with “Dwayne’s” Dad to avoid “Dwayne” having to play with a buncha losers.  The season starts and “Dwayne” is killing the ball and throwing 80mph BBs from the mound.  So what happens … in modern day “youth sports” … someone files a law suit of course.  It was a few years ago but if you hang around the Cotswold Little League fields even today you will hear the “Legend of DwayneGate”.

   Too bad Duke Buck didn’t use Riverwalk Bobby’s Theory on The Purty Mammas … the Purty Mamma Theory NEVER FAILS! 

Of Course, Traveller (with 2 Ls) was Robert E. Lee’s horse.  We heard from every KA in SwaggerNation on this one.  Reassuring to know that such historical traditions have not been completely weeded out of our culture YET!

Today’s Stumper

What was Nelly Belle?

   Why were we late with Tuesday’s column?  BobLee had a gig in Chattanooga on Monday. Driving back Monday night he got a bad case of “whiteline fever” coming thru The Smokies and pulled off at a Red Roof in Asheville, caught some ZZZZs, had a quick breakfast at (of course) WAFFLE HOUSE and cruised into Swagger World HQ mid morning on Tuesday.  That might happen on occasion as Spring is jam packed for his Swaggership.

The BIG Wed. MAY 12 show for The Lake Norman Carolina Club

Swagger & Mixon Together 

is at Lancaster’s BBQ in Mooresville – 7:00 PM  

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