January16/ 2000

Fabled lawman, debonair man about Mayberry, and cracker barrel philosopher Bernard Fife has provided the key to a door that BobLee has been struggling to open. With your assistance in spreading the word mayhaps we can prevent wholesale civil war from breaking out across America between now and November.  Here’s hoping!

   As I recall, a gathering of Mayberry citizenry were cogitating over one Ernest T. Bass, infamous rock thrower and town character.  Deputy Fife felt the discussion had stalemated and proclaimed “He’s A Nut!”  Political correctness be damned … all assembled agreed that Barney had defined Mr Bass quite succinctly. End of discussion.

   When we moved to this new website, I noted that I hoped to find a way to discuss “politics” here in the same bi-partisan satirical fashion we discuss sports.  Politics being somewhat more prone to combustibility … and KABOOMing Ye Olde Website and our fine readership is not at all our desire. I think Ol’ Barn might have the answer.

   On several occasions I have referred to “Fruitcake Freddie From Franklin Street”.  You should know that (1) I NEVER “make up” eccentric loonies … and (2) I DO make up alliterative nicknames for those loonies.  Someone would have to REALLY p*ss me off for me to out them here.  “Freddie” does not p*ss me off … “Freddie” makes me laugh.  

   “Fruitcake Freddie” IS A NUT!  Give him a rock and a slouchy ballcap and “Freddie” IS Ernest T. in Birkenstocks. OK, “Freddie” would NEVER break a window on Franklin Street … he worships the place. “Freddie”, a rock, and downtown Crawford, Texas is probably a recipe for broken glass however.

   Yes … “Freddie” spouts his own special brand of mondo bizarro liberalism … but it is grossly unfair to label “Freddie” a “Liberal” … most Liberals want no part of “Freddie” … because “Freddie” IS A NUT!  But, here is the key point to the Fife Plan To Prevent Civil War 2004.

   Being “A NUT” is unrelated to ideology.  NUTS come in all ideologies.  For every “Fruitcake Freddie” teetering precariously on “the left”; there is a corresponding “Hard Right Harry” on “the right” researching the Illuminati and dragging Chappaquiddick for more bodies.     

Most folks would define “NUT” as “anyone with an opinion contrary to their own”.  I am a bit more broadminded … I define “NUT” as “a self-appointed Paul Revere riding a 3-legged hobby horse”. 

   Everyone who does whatever it is that I do has his/her own “NUT”.  Whenever talk show hosts, columnists, and curmudgeons with websites get together we compare “NUT” stories.  Each of us thinks “our NUT” is The NUTTIEST!  I’ve used “Freddie” as “my NUT” for the past 2 years.  I won the free beer at out last convention with “Freddie’s” Special Warren Commission Report (see below).  Liberal and Conservative opinionators may disagree on issues and policies … we definitely do agree on NUTS.  There is no difference between a Leftwing and a Rightwing NUT.

   I had an occasion years ago to have a conversation with a full-blown Ku Kluxer.  I’m talking  “skinhead” species.  When he opened his mouth spiders and maggots poured out.  There was nothing but pure undiluted wrath in him.  I’ve met “Freddie” and had conversations with him.  The only difference between’em is that Freddie is a bit on the timid side. He won’t attend a football game at Carter-Finley because he is afraid of Wuffies!  He wouldn’t hurt anyone (except with words) but he despises most everyone.  I was keeping a list and “Freddie’s Like List” includes his wife, Frank Porter Graham, Dean Smith, and the three Kennedy brothers.  That’s it. Vocal manifestations of personal intellectual superiority and quite lengthy “enemies of the state” lists are typical from the political nut ilk. Interchangeable … left or right.

   Our sports Lunatic Fringers use an old trick that is now being played in national politics.  

…Take the most aberrant eccentric NUT that you can find among your rival/enemy and personify that aberrant example to represent your rival/enemy’s entire population…  

Both Wuffies and Heels have this ploy down to a science.  If Conservatives wanted to totally demonize all Liberals … “Freddie” is the perfect poster boy.

   I hate to be disloyal to the cause but I can’t do that.  I wrote down the names of ten “Democrats” I know pretty well. I wrote down all the qualities I like and appreciate about them through the course of my relationship with them.  In each case the ONLY “negative” I could come up with was “the sumbitch is a Democrat!” … I decided that was definitely NOT a valid reason to remove a single one of them from my Christmas card list, my random call for no reason list, or my proud to consider them a friend list. I cannot guarantee they feel about me in a reciprocating fashion … although not one of those ten Democrat friends has ever called me a “jack-booted Nazi” … that is about the nicest thing “Freddie” has ever called me.  “Freddie” is a NUT!

Remember … I am a UNC grad with numerous Wuffie and Duke and Deacon friends.  As a Repub with Democ friends I pretty much occupy “a MayTag repairman lonely” percentile! 


Swagger’s Stumper

What team did “Rudy” get to play against?


   The extreme NUTS on either side represent such a small minority that it is a low down dirty shame that they seem to get all the headlines.  I do believe that 90% of all “people who vote” want “safe neighborhoods, good schools, a thriving economy, clean water and air, affordable health care, better-timed traffic lights, Paris Hilton to “go away”, a cure for Alzheimers, and for the NBA to institute a no one under 23 age limit”. Since we agree on so much, why can’t we shut up the rabid squirrels like “Freddie” and “Harry” and get to working on our points of agreement?

   I’m going to keep working on the Barney Fife Plan … but for now I want each of you, regardless of persuasion, to promise me you will go on NUT-WATCH.  If both parties would better police their own NUTS they would not have to cringe every time one of the deranged fruit bats gets loose on a message board or a Letter To The Editor section.  


   OK … I know you all want to hear “Fruitcake Freddie’s Special Warren Commission Report” as sent to me in an e-mail over a year ago. … Apparently Chief Justice Earl Warren hand wrote three “special reports” beyond what was ever officially released.  One was sent to an Eskimo chiropractor in the Aleutians … a second was sent to a Navajo shaman named Uncle Willie … and the third was sent to, you guessed it, “Freddie”.

   On November 22, 1963 the Kennedy motorcade prepared for its tour of Downtown Dallas.  Meanwhile on the 5th floor of the Texas Schoolbook Depository a heretofore secret event was transpiring … Lee Harvey Oswald, Barbara Bush, and Condeliza Rice’s Great Aunt Lucinda were engaged in an erotic game of “Strip Parcheezi”.  Unbeknownst to Babs and Lucinda, Lee was a Grand Master at Parcheezi having mastered the game during his KGB training in Havana.  Lee had managed to get Babs Bush down to just her bloomers and a hairnet as the motorcade neared Dealey Plaza.  The last fateful roll of the dice never took place … but GUESS WHAT … “Fruitcake Freddie From Franklin Street” HAS THAT HAIRNET!  

“Thank yeeew, Mrs Wy-Lee!”

Ned Beaty has had 100s of acting roles … but he will never outlive “you have a purty mouth … let’s hear you squeal like a pig” … Deliverance … arguably one of THE MOST frightening movie from a male standpoint ever made.


My apologies to Cambridge and Harvard … BobLee’s newest Internet enemy was not a Harvard Law grad.

All BobLeeBuddies within 30 miles of Mooresville on Lake Norman

This coming Wed – May 12 – Lake Norman Carolina Club

BobLee & Mick Mixon In Tandem

Questions … Comments … To Get on “Freddie’s” Mailing List

[email protected]

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