Fat Cats & Cutesy Names Ending In A Vowel

January16/ 2000

…. Four coaches have been “Buntinged” SO FAR this season …. Fired and/or pre-fired due to unsatisfactory results from them what decide such things…. Begging the old question of “who really are ‘the them’ that decide such things?”  Old Man Usta is surely dying as regards pretty much a LOT of how stuff happens these days.

I like to consider myself an “in the now” pragmatist.  As my “boomer” generation begs for one more encore …. “just one more close-up Mr DeMille”…. It is more and more apparent that “how we did things” is no more the norm in 2008 than how our parents’ generation “usta” do them in the 50s-60s.  If Ol’ Man Usta isn’t dead he is certainly seeing less playing time (“pt”) than he “uste” to.

In the matter of discarding “Big Time College Football” coaches, the ante-up stakes have gotten so high that small time players need not apply.  For those that do opt-in, beware that a card laid is a card played and all wagers must be settled before you leave the table.

So far this season four BCS conference coaches have been zapped …. Tommy Bowden – Ty Willingham – Phil Fullmer – and now Ron Prince at K-State.  Yes, two of these zappees are of “an African American persuasion” which is (ta-daa) not escaping notice from the usual observers of such.  I’m betting there will be at least 2-3 more joining these early-zaps within the next three weeks.

Yes, our favorite “sleeping giant” was a trend-setter in these now popular mid-season lame duck lynchings.  Prince Tassel Loafer lowered ye olde by-by boom on Burly John at mid-season in 2006 specifically to get first in line for a certain high profile mercenary cooling his heels in Cleveland at the time.  That strategy obviously paid off big time in both corralling “the Pale Rider” and bringing more competitive football “amid the pines”.  The prospects of “a BCS game before I die” is now a valid pre-Death Wish for many aging Kenanites.   Aging Deacons, having already been there – done that are into more lofty dreams.   Should due credit for such Kenan dreams be given to a certain diminutive athletic administrator?  Probably, but lets not venture into the Twilight Zone of absurdity.

Once committed to such a strategy there is certainly nagging small print in any contractural “deal with the devil” where pride and ego overcomes “good sense”.  If “good sense” ruled, then all the world would drive Toyota Camrys and middle-aged men would not forsake loving families for 25 y/o aerobic instructors with hard bodies and cutesy names that end in vowels.

Buy-out clauses are like alimony payments for college athletic admins who fear the wrath of their board monkey contingents.

I’ve been known to sound the clarion call of warning relative to giving credence to “board monkey contingents”.  Maybe I’ve mentioned it “a few times” !!!   I do so not in the hopes of lessening the impact of the screeching cyber simians but simply to gloat in my “I told you so” glory.  Not unlike saying Cocoa Puff is a hard-line Socialist.  His coronation was pre-ordained as soon as McCain was chosen as the sacrificial “moderate” to be slaughtered.  I just secure the “I told you so” rights.  My tombstone epitaph will be a simple one ….. “The Sumbitch was Right …. Darn it!”

The price of chasing BCS glory is beyond any sound business judgement but who said “sound judgement” has a place in the decision.   “Bama & Butch” have given goggle-eyed proponents of the “spend YOUR $$$ to make ME happy” theory enough ammo to fuel dozens of coaching upheavals.

The aforementioned in-season zapped coaches are all walking away with substantial seven-figure buy-out checks.  The lynch mobs relishing in their dismissals don’t particularly like that but since “it ain’t my money” they quickly forget it and demand their admins “do whatever it takes” to sign the rock star messiah du jour to awaken “their sleeping giant” and bring me “a BCS before I die”.

What we are seeing this time around is a hesitation from the usually compliant Deep Pocket Dozen or so REALLY REALLY Fat Cats who fuel every college’s athletic engine.  Every college AD and his booster club guy have those dozen or so tele #s in their memory dial.  Every time Mister High Profile Really Rich Booster gets a call he knows the phrase “can we count on you for …..” is a certainty.  Alas, whether a 3rd generation silverspoon or a lottery winner, these be unsettled days for Really Rich Guys.  It’s all relative of course, but a million lost here and a million lost there does add up.  If the Deep Pocket Dozen don’t chip in at least 75% of the sticker price, then the screeching monkeys don’t get to drive the spiffy “Lambo” off the lot.  Waaaaaaaaa ….. That’s “Lambo” as in “…ghini” not “frozen tundra” although for this analogy either might work..

Nothing changes for the cyber simians though.  They never anted up anything but their ALL CAPS rants so they simply  ALL CAP rant some more.  In exchange for calling rival fans obscene names in venomous fan forums, the cyber simian has assumed the right to demand that the grown-ups at Whatzamatter U must ante up or they (the simians) are gonna hold their breath until their heads explode.  I’ve always thought the solution to their demand was in allowing them to carry out their threat ….. but that’s just me.

There is no Butch In Waiting this year.  Has Clemson got a leg up on Tennessee by firing Tommy a few weeks earlier?  Is UT getting an advantage over Auburn by firing Phil before Auburn zaps Tommy Tubb?  Is there really a “Lane Kiffin Lottery” for Al Davis’ deposed whipping boy?  Does being fired by Al Davis bestow Rock Star status on Monte’s boy?

Two months ago Will Muschamp was not even known by his neighbor four doors down in a fashionable Austin neighborhood.  Now every Napoleon Dynamite and Al Bundy in Rocky Top World or on Puget Sound or in The Little Apple knows Will’s shoe size.   Since Will “usta” be at Auburn, he’ll likely wait til Tommy Tubbs is zapped and let them begin the bidding at around $3 Million.  OK, Will’s never been a Head Coach but what the heck, neither had Burly John or Chuckles …. oops, bad comparison.

Wait a minute …. Will’s Longhorn defense just got waxed by Mike Leach’s Flying Circus.  Scratch that offer to Will ….. throw a wheelbarrow full of bearer bonds at Mike ….. unless he gets waxed by Okie State then …..  wonder what an embattled AD would pay for a cup of JoPa’s sperm?

Some silly schools will opt for the “let the 20 y/o players with 4th grade reading comprehension decide with A PETITION”.   That works out even less often than marrying the hard-body with the cutesy name.  Which offers another alternative …. let the school’s sexy dance team pick the next coach.  Works for me.

One thing is for sure …. The next round of Rock Star Saviors will all have high dollar buy-out clauses too.   A Buy-out claus is like Santa Claus ….. in the end it’s Daddy who foots the bill.


  Where is Carl Torbush these days?


Remember me telling you about a “new platform for this website?  Well its coming next week.  A few new bells and a new whistle but not a radical change on your end.  ….. and we’ve changed Platinum Pals to BobLee’s Cracker Barrel.   LOTS of high octane partisan rhetoric for those among us not planning to sing Kumbaya to Cocoa Puff.   If you want in to The Cracker Barrel just say so.  This site will stay relatively non-partisan.

   That UNC QB who ran up 415 total offense yards in Groves Stadium in 1968 was Gayle Bomar ….. Brooke Bomar’s new daddy-in-law.

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