Dalton Was Wrong

January16/ 2000

….. Recall a reference a month or so ago about our “remodeling” project? …. We are in the 7th inning stretch of that endeavor now…..  ….  Dalton says in “Roadhouse” – “Pain don’t hurt”…. I decided to go all out and cram max pain into my week ….. TWO visits to our local Time-Warner Cable office. …. Dalton was wrong!  …. And a fascinating ponderable.

Many thanks for all the “welcome back BobLees” from around the globe.  Unlike “a rose” – BobLee by any other name was NOT BobLee.  Fear not, Clayton Moore has put his mask back on and is once again terrorizing those that need terrorizing and befriending the befriendable. ….

A Fascinating Ponderable:

The N&O, in the throes of its corporate death gurgle, finally broke its 10 day silence on Johnny Boy & Reille’s Unpleasantness.  The Brisbane Tribune “down under” has, however, kept its Aussie readers up-dated on Apple Cheeks’ dalliances.  New reports of Johnny making hush payments to both Reille and Andrew “The Fall Guy” Young are now the latest update.  The story is no longer “was John diddling the skank?”.  That’s pretty much a given.  The story became how a sycophantic fawning media was willing to cover for him. 

Which brings us to a fascinating ponderable …. Remember that one about – your best friend sits on a rattlesnake, would you suck out the venom to save him?  Here’s the John Edwards 2008 version of that ….    Your wealthy employer who, lets say, is a very high profile politician, comes to you.  ….. I need a small favor.  I’ve been screwing around with Reille Roundheels and now she’s knocked up.  If this scandal gets out I’m ruined.  I need YOU to take the fall for me and go public saying it’s your love-child.  …… Yes, it will disgrace you, your wife and three small children, but, hey, I’m much more important, right?  You can only tell your wife the truth otherwise The National Enquirer will uncover this flimsy cover-up.  Will you do this for me ol’ buddy?  Huh?  I can make it worth your while.”  

What is “your while” worth?    ….. $1,000,000 …. $10,000,000 …. $25,000,000.  Do you get it in a lump sum up-front?  What is your reputation worth for a philandering employer who was cheating on his ailing wife?  Could there be a tragic accident in your future?

Guys …. Bat this around with your golfing buddies or the office crowd at the coffee counter.  Gals …. Play out this ponderable with the gals in your pilates class.  Your hubby comes to you with “this deal”.  What say you ???


   Our completed kitchen / living room remodel WILL BE great.  We are already enjoying it in our dreams.  We are about 10 days away from “the final punch list” and each day brings new excitement.   The entire Tower of Babel Team is charging to the finish line …. Josh The Happy Carpenter and Randy The Demo Guy and Foreman Dave and Francisco The Painter and the Aangell Bros from Brazil and Jimmy The Tile Guy and Gene The Counter Guy and assorted sheetrockers, plumbers, electricians, inspectors, faucet girls, and high atop this battalion of tradesman – General Hank Wall …. Major domo of Wood Wise Design.

Having a fine reputable contractor that you trust is really important.  We do.  So is having a proctologist with warm hands …. and a barber who can keep secrets.  I cannot imagine going thru a major home remodel with people you did not trust.  I also cannot imagine EVER doing this again.

 We are doing a live-in remodel which means we are still occupying the portion of our home not taken over by Team Wood Wise for the past six weeks.  Relocating to “the beach house” or “the guest house” were not options.  Slamming my hand in a car door was an option that I considered at least three times to redirect the pain to other portions of my body.

So you clean out all your kitchen cabinets, kitchen furniture, living room furniture et al and move it in the already cluttered “rest of the house” …. And proceed to stumble, bang your knee and stub your toe on it for a month.  A normal hallway shrinks to 18” meaning us and the cat cannot pass each other coming and going.  We hired a flag man to flip one of those STOP / SLOW signs.

The microwave and coffeemaker is in the foyer along with the refrigerator and six weeks worth of NutriSystem boxes.

To the Mizzus’ credit she never once said “this will be fun …. like camping out.”  Since neither of us are “campers” that would have been uninspiring …. plus Mizzus is a realist …. sort of..  Kid called from Missouri to check up How is Mom handling it?”  How long have you known your Mom?”  “A little over 20 years, why?”  “How do you think she’s handling it?”  ….. “Hang in there Dad.”

About Day Three waaay back in Week One she began each day with “are they gone yet?” ….. “how much longer?” ….. “can they speed up?” …. And WE LIKE THESE GUYS.

Monday of this week was “It’s A Small World After All” Day.  The Brazilians were installing the “brazilian cherry” hardwood flooring while the Mexicans were painting while the English guy was templating the counter tops and Raoul was installing the tile backsplash.  Josh The Happy Carpenter is a Connecticutt Yankee and Randy The Demo Guy is from Garner.  We had more foreign languages and dialects going than 4th of July on Ellis Island.

We have reoccupied the living room (subject to the Time-Warner varmints reprogramming the flatscreen!  More on those varmints in a minute) so the hallway is reopened for regular traffic much to The Cat’s delight (and mine).  We WILL survive this and likely write a book about it and would be guests on Larry King to discuss it except that we despise that grinning cockroach.  I am considering starting a Remodel Support Group.  Homeowners considering a major remodel would have to go thru “basic tolerance training” to get their home equity loan.

If you’ve done it, you understand.  If you haven’t you can’t possibly …. which is good in the same way that men could never appreciate 10 hours of labor in childbirth.


   Ten hours of childbirth labor is the equivalent of three hours standing in line at your local Time-Warner customer service center.  “Customer service” relative to a cable TV monopoly is like “government worker” on the oxymoron scale.

I’ve HAD to go twice in the past three weeks.  The first time was so unbelievably awful I purposely chose a different day and time for Round Two.   Time-Warner countered my ploy.  The same two dead-eyed mouth-breathing “I hate my job” beeatches were still behind the counter.  Both times, despite there being SIX clerk stations, only TWO clerks were ever on-duty …. despite more than 20 sad unbelieving souls waiting in line holding assorted boxes, universal remotes, cigarettes, cellphones, Ipods and screaming youngans.

Both dead-eyed, mouth-breathing “I hate my job” clerks were of African-American persuasion (not that theres anything wrong with that of course!).  Both were totally devoid of any sense of urgency about anything except their approaching break time.  Both were quite overweight and had lots of pomade in their hair.  I’m not normally that observant but two hours in a line causes you to do lots of things you don’t normally do.

On both trips, when I reached the #8 spot in the que, a customer occupied one of the mirror-fogging clerks and took 25 MINUTES to conduct their bizness.  25 MINUTES!  I planned the details of my Mother’s funeral in 15 minutes including the small talk with the funeral director.

The “money line” came in Round Two from a fellow sufferer in the #12 spot in line.  “I was planning to go to the DMV tomorrow but I can’t stand two of these experiences in the same week.”  I asked permission to quote him.  He wanted $5.  I gave him my place in line.  We called it even.

   It took me 38 seconds at the counter to exchange my remote.  When I got home I spent an hour and 45 minutes trying in vain to program it.   I called Time-Warner tech-support and was on-hold for 35 minutes.  The tech was equally unsuccessful in programming it.  She scheduled me for a tech to come out.  The next available time is Sunday between 1 and 4.  She did not say “which Sunday”. ….. I hope Cocoa Puff can solve the National Cable TV Crisis.

 Dalton was wrong  …. There is all sorts of “pain” and some of it does hurt.


Clayton Moore was to The Lone Ranger as

______ was to Tonto?


   Joe Paterno’s PSU “student athletes” have amassed 46 criminal charges since 2002.  That doesn’t approach a Barry Switzer or Phil Fullmer average season but they don’t pretend to run anything but a “football factory”.  When queried about this by ESPN JoePa went into a mild dementia tremor mumbling something about “….you let Bowden get away with it for 20 years.  How come you’re picking on me now?” Ain’t big time college football grand? ….. another ponderable ….. how many criminal charges with “your team” are worth a BCS bowl game?

   Look over there on the right.  You see two new logo boxes.  We’ll tell you more about ACCSports later.  The one that says MEZ is THE Official New Favorite Triangle Restaurant for Team BobLee.  Check it out in The RTP.  Everything on the menu is great.  The sangria is deadly.

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