Babies, Guns, Jesus & Brandon Tate

January16/ 2000

….. After “Weak One” of ACC Football, Little Johnny Swofford has ordered the ACC media machine to “push Field Hockey” this Fall.  Smart move Johnny.  Two thoughts from Kenan Stadium (1) Why did Cocoa Puff cause that thunderstorm? …. (2) Sarah Palin coulda fixed that stoopid Jumbotron with her Leatherman tool.   And more incredible insights from “amid the towering pines”..

What do Little Johnny Swofford (LJS) and Rick Chryst have in common?  Both are commissioners of totally irrelevant collegiate football conferences in 2008.  A quick run through ACC “Very Weak” One ……

…. Tommy Bowden saved everyone the agony of waiting until late October to “swoon”.  The “” site ‘08 was up and running before 30,000 hardcore Kenanites could say “whats a McNeese?” 

….. Over in West Rawlee, disgruntled Wuffs take consolation that they don’t play Ravenscroft this year (but DO play ECU …. UH OH!).  This could be a Bataan Death March season for the Marine’s team.  Good thing the Carter-Finley Faithful are so well-known for their patience and mature understanding of the term “rebuilding”.  Yes indeed.

….. Up in Hooville, fears of a down year for the Algroh juggernaut were overly optimistic.  Someone told Tommy Trojan that UVA was heavily “greek” and centuries of built up revenge over that “fake horse thing” boiled over.

….. Frank Beamer’s Hokies got pokied right in their special teams by Skippy’s Pirates prompting Terry Holland to deed “all land east of I-95” to Mrs Skip if she can persuade Son of Lou to stay in Greenville “one more year”.

….. Over at Wally Wade Coach Cut is an impressive 1-0 against schools named for former presidents.  Kevin White is working the phones to sign up Calvin Coolidge Tech and FDR A&M.  But, can Coach Cut win using his own football? (see below!)

….. Down in Florida, Canes and Noles ganged up on the Jamaican bobsled team and the Clay Aiken All Stars.

….. Earlier in “weak one” Paul Johnson proved his vaunted “system” is not as hard to learn as the Chinese alphabet.   At least not against a busload of whozits from who cares where.

….. Out in Waco, Grobe’s Mighty Deacon Army did more damage than Janet Reno’s FBI whuppin’ up on Branch Davidians.   Little Johnny sent Ron Wellman a very sincere “Thank you Ron”.

….. That fat guy in Maryland played somebody and won but nobody much cared except possibly somebody at Boston College who apparently played somebody too.

….. Year Two of The Butch Era began with the Kenan game ball being parachuted into Wally Wade (YES, IT REALLY WAS!) then it got REALLY silly.  Amid the towering pines, lightning and useless Jumbotron of Kenan Stadium a kid named Brandon killed more cowboys than the Earp Brothers at The OK Corral.   Butch’s Boys hung up their first W on The Road To Boise.

The day began gloriously with Chancellor Doogie and charming Mrs Chancellor leading the Old Well Walk and ended eight hours later with Butch calling John Bunting to thank him A LOT for recruiting Brandon Tate.  Reconfirming my strongly held premise that white shoes do make a player run faster (if the player is Brandon Tate)  #87 did everything in Kenan except fix the freakin scoreboard.

 Yo Dickie …. BEFORE we spend $150,000,000 on silly bling bling for Kenan …. Howsabout a freakin’ scoreboard that works.   I knew the seat backs were optional but, hellfire, don’t we get a scoreboard for our $50?  Where’s that flip chart Dean used in Carmicheal? 

I had this vision of Kenan Jumbologist Ken Cleary screaming at Hadji in a Calcutta call center.  “Damn it Hadji I’ve already hit Control – Alt – Delete plus rebooted  All’s I get are giant images of Charles Kuralt picking his nose.”  And Hadji replying “Not to worry Mr. Ken.  I am sending you a new motherboard via a Golden Knight parachutist.”  “….. NOOOOOO Hadji NOO!”   It was that kinda night “amid the towering pines”.     

   FWIW …. the dead scoreboard was only slightly “deader” than the Radio Shack sound system that HAS to be left over from Choo Choo’s day.  

 ABSOLUTELY TRUE STORY:  During that special first half lightning show I was standing outside the Choo Choo Lounge when a charming lady fan approached me.   REPEAT TRUE STORY …. “Excuse me but I’ve been watching you and I just want to say how dapper you look. Dapper is a good look.” ….. I was actually speechless, not knowing if it was my seersucker pants …. or the possibility the dear lady had just been struck by the lightning.  I’m going with the seersucker pants theory.  It was that kinda night “amid the towering pines”.

Many of Carolina’s soft-core fans chose to vamoose during the 1:49 celestial display of God’s wrath at Sodom/Gomorrah Hill.  Having fulfilled their “before I die” wish to “see what a McNeese State football team looks like”.  Those who remained endured nail-biting flashbacks of that Kenan loss to Furman and the excitement of Steve Marshall offensive gameplans.  The Greg Little Era as Carolina’s Next Great Running Back lasted a shorter time than the William Henry Harrison presidency.

As always …. My Gameday Experience was outstanding. I met the elusive Mike “Secret Agent Man” DeSilva and 92% of  the living members of UNC PiKA House.  I learned that Liberals DO have a useful purpose.  Larry The Liberal Lawyer makes a mean venison spread.  I only wasted three minutes of my life in pointless political debate …. And met the quite charming Mrs Chancellor Doogie.

With Mrs Chancellor Doogie, Erskine and Yours Truly as his “Jiminy Cricket Team” this fellow just might make a sizable dent in cleaning out the Augean Stables of Old Well U.  (NOTE: perfunctory literary reference) .   Holden did inform me that there are NO staples in the desktop he inherited from The Meez.  Debunking a long held premise about Meez, staples and ties.  He did leave open the possibility there had been a desktop replacement prior to his recent move-in. …… To BobLee’s previous role as Executive Director of Ultra Right-wingers for Erskine you can now add Grand Wizard of Definitely Not Democrats for Chancellor Doogie.       Doog is a keeper.

Weak Two of ACC Field Hockey Season will involve more OCC match-ups with “I didn’t know they even had a football team” colleges to be followed by the eagerly anticipated intraConference Battle of Little Johnny’s cupcakes.


Give your best guess to

Where the heck  is McNeese State located?

 Bonus Question:  

What are the chances that Rick Steinbacher 

will EVER use THAT parachute service again?


    In keeping with our promise NOT to smother you with BobLee’s radical politics here on we are saving the best of our zingers for Platinum Pals.  But here’s an appetizer to whet your thirst. (Remember you can become a Platinum Pal simply by telling us you want to be one.)

   Conservatives & Liberals, should agree with the simple reality that: 

   All this smearing and denigrating and bald-faced lying and gross exaggerations is for ONE PURPOSE …..  To effect the votes of MAYBE 3% of the electorate.  A high % of that 3% cannot spell Obama or McCain and cannot find Delaware or Alaska on a map.   Print out that little nugget and read it right before you try and fall asleep at night.

 Hillary Clinton is a woman a man fights WITH ….

Sarah Palin is a woman a man fights FOR …

    Sarah Palin is my Mizzus …. And she is Boots C, and Mamie Jo, and Liz B, and Rene T, and Leigh T, and Cindy P, and BettyLou, and Margie B, and Barbara B, and Emily S, and MaryLynn, and Jackie L, and Ann G. L., and Jeannie R, and Sissy T, and Judy T, and Patty B, and 1,000s of other savy, smart, sexy, spunky kick-butt babes across the fruited plain.  There’s even some Sarah in Sue N and Beth T too.  Babies – Guns & Jesus – HOT DAMN!   Those of us lucky enough to have corralled ourselves one of these kick-butt babes, like Sarah Palin, know that when we wake up next to’em on November 5 we will be winners.  We don’t need no electoral college to tell us that.  As for America winning, that’s another story. America will get what it deserves ….. uh oh.

   Sarah does not have as much executive management experience as I would like as my POTUS.  She does, however, have more than Cocoa Puff, Bozo Joe and Old John Mc COMBINED.   “Peacocks” are not built to pull plows.

The FeminUglies are steaming (as always).  Their squinty little pig eyes are zeroing in on how to discredit Sarah Palin.  Facts and common decency are the immediate casualties in their Destroy Sarah Palin blitzkrieg.  Why?  She is everything the FeminUglies are not ….. smart, savy, sexy and kick-ass spunky.  

   To paraphrase my optometrist:


 or THIS:

    The #1 reason the hairy-legged harpies are terminally constipated is because they never can compete with shining stars like Sarah.  Smart, Pretty and Accomplished – A FeminUgly’s worst nightmare.  Sarah Palin is “inconvenient” to the FeminUglies.  You know what FeminUglies do to people they find inconvenient ….. they crush their skulls with forceps and then vacuum them down the drain.  Ouch, that’s got to hurt!

  If there was ANY doubt that Sarah was a great pick it was quickly validated by the voluminous venomous bile that poured from between the pointy fangs of DNC operatives.

Sarah has been smart, pretty and a high achiever all her life.  I’ve never been to Alaska but I’m pretty sure they have constipated trolls in Juneau and Fairbanks and Saskatoon too.  Ugly women with facial hair and no ankles are like gnats and teriyaki-flavored beef jerky.  Proof positive that we live in a very imperfect world.  The Sarah Palins will always be winners …. and the FeminUglies will always be constipated and ugly …. they know it. …. and so does everyone else.  Rewriting history does not change reality.

Does this choice of Sarah Palin mean Repubs wins in November?  GOODNESS NO …. NOT AT ALL..  There are a lot of human beings in America who despise everything Sarah Palin represents..  There are a lot of committed socialists in America.  And sure as God made baseball, apple pie and pretty girls …. there are a LOT of ugly low-achieving women in America who long ago gave up trying to compete with kick-butt gals like Sarah.

REPEATING FOR EMPHASIS:  (This WILL be on the final exam!) This election campaign is not about convincing hard-core Conservatives like me to even consider voting for Cocoa Puff The Uber-Liberal Socialist.  Ain’t never going to happen.  Nor is it about convincing any one in Carrboro to vote for Sarah & WhatzhisnameThePOW.  That’ll never happen either.  This election is about 3% of American voters who can’t spell Obama or McCain and can’t find Delaware or Alaska on a map.

America 2008 WILL get the elected government it “deserves”.  What no one knows today is what 50.001% of voting America 2008 wants.  Mizzus and I figure that of our surprisingly lengthy list of “Liberals we can tolerate being around” we’ll likely be deleting at least half of’em over the next 60 days …. which could be addition by subtraction.  If you don’t stand for something, you’ll fall for anything.


    Will Cocoa Puff break his neck rushing to Nawlins post-Gustav?  You betcha.  We hear he’s asked Apple Cheeks if he can borrow his long-handled posing shovel and suggestions on how many turn-ups of his shirt sleeves.  In a Cocoa Puff administration Hurricanes will be outlawed ….. along with AM radios, guns, Bibles, and heterosexuals marriages.  Successful white folks will be sent to internment camps at Blowing Rock and Governors Club. …. Oh, and any of you 3%ers looking for Bozo Joe’s Delaware.  It’s a suburb of the Philadelphia Airport. …. And Sarah’s Alaska is that big frozen mass above Seattle with all the cheap oil underneath it.

   Meanwhile in NCAA Land …. Chase Daniel (no “s”) passed for a million yards and led the Mighty Mizzou Tigers to the first of 10 or 11 or 12 or 13 Ws over the next three months.  (BUT …. we still got Tyler …. nyah nyah nyah)

   If you want to get the Platinum Pals newsletters just e-mail us and say “add me BobLee”.  Tell-A-Friend is still screwed up so if you want to send this to “a friend” or an enemy, you need to copy the URL and put it in an e-mail.  Or print it out and mail it but that would be pretty silly ….. almost as silly as Saturday Night in Kenan Stadium “amid those towering pines”. 

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