Ads in Kenan – Apocalypse Now!

January16/ 2000

LOVE the “Ads In Kenan Stadium” controversy … LOVE IT … it involves all the silly bizarro factions that make up the UNC alumni/fan base. The Dickie-Haters, The Snoots, The BCS or Bust Crowd, The Hardcore Socialist Loonies … heck, lets throw in the the Franklin Street greedy landlords, and the Rathskellar waiters … and in the end … it don’t mean “squat”.


When this ridiculous topic first drew breath several years ago, I so looked forward to the day that “a decision” would be announced knowing it would set off oh-so-predictable “Chicken Little Loonies”.  Well the “Chicken Little Loonies” on all sides of the issue are now in full indignant rant.  It’s more fun to watch than an overturned 18-wheeler full of greased pigs.


Let’s get the “facts” out of the way first so they won’t interfere with all the fun …


(1)     Beautiful Kenan Stadium will NOT end up “looking like one of those redneck racetracks”. … or even worse … “that awful Carter-Finley Stadium” !!!

(2)     The revenue generated will not be used for Steve Spurrier’s signing bonus.


Dickie headed up one of those delightful “UNC task forces” to study the issue.  This was done for two purposes … (1) to get the valued input of the transsexual left-handed dwarf contingent in Chapel Hill … and (2) so Dickie could divert the responsibility for the decision away from himself.  #2 was a waste of time … ANYTHING “controversial” in Orange County is totally the “fault” of Richard “Dickie” Baddour.  It’s a rule … look it up.


Because this truly is a “whole bunch of to do about nothing” most folks delayed forming an opinion until “Dickie’s Task Force” announced their decision … then 90% of the fan base moved squarely to the opposite side so as to better pummel their favorite human pin cushion.  “Damning Dickie” has replaced “cruising Franklin Street” as Carolina fans’ #1 hobby.


The issue itself … should UNC sell commercial signage in Kenan Stadium and The Smith Center … would make the ideal high school debate topic.  Give me either the Pro or Con side and I will argue you into submission.  There is absolutely nothing at stake except … except nothing!  The $$$ generated will not make any noticeable difference in UNC athletics or the University itself.  The ballyhooed “commercial desecration of Mr Kenan’s holy temple” is such a ridiculous argument it rivals “which is the correct PMS # for Carolina Blue”.  Message board whackos will chew on this like a kevlar bedroom slipper … they surely will … it may have a longer “chew factor” than the Wolfpack Parade.


As always … leave it to the ultra-extremists to generate the most ridiculous hubba hubba.  The hardcore faculty commie-pinko-marxists are atwitter that “eeeevil capitalists pigs” will take over the pristine greensward of “the University of The People”.  In their “honor” I propose the first sign be a 100’ x 50’ flashing neon billboard atop the Kenan Football Center for, of course,  HALLIBURTON!  Running the full length of the pressbox should be “Gas guzzling SUVs” … and lets sell the top of the Pope Box to the RNC for a giant “Jesus Loves Conservatives – Bush Cheney 2004”!  Let’s really give those flatuating jackasses something to sink their fangs into.

Hell. Lets turn Polk Place into Times Square!


OK … in truth … from day one the proposed “commercial advertising” has been “tightly regulated institutional signage” for non-controversial mainstream services … banks, tele-communications, health care, and “soft drinks headquartered in Atlanta” type of stuff.  The only folks likely to be “offended” will be partisans of competing companies.  If Wachovia gets the bank exclusive I know one uber-loyal Tar Heel who will divert his eyes to avoid revulsion … he’s a First Citizen’s guy Big Time.

The color, size, and placement of any/all signage will be even more tightly regulated than a fru-fru up-scale shopping center.  Former Faculty Flying Squirrel Susan “I play racquetball” Estroff is demanding that no company can advertise unless every single one of its employee is gay and has had at least one abortion. “Proper” voter registration goes without saying.


Opponents of “Signage in Kenan” are playing the well-worn “extreme worst case scenario” gambit to scare the bejebbers out of the “duh, what’s Baddour done now?” crowd.  ALL Wuffies are gap-toothed rubes and ALL Kenan signage will be garish and offensive.  Such ridiculous broadbrush painting is how it’s always done with this bunch.


Never forget … Dickie knows his sole “support-base” is with the “Snoots” (definition of “snoot” = Chancellor’s secretary knows how you like your coffee).  No group is more image and tradition obsessed than “UNC’s Snoots”.  If there was the slightest chance that Kenan would end up “looking all trashy and tacky like that stadium at the fairgrounds” then you can bet your Charles Kuralt autographed Alexander Julian polo shirt that “Dickie’s Task Force” would have come forth with a “No way Jose” decision.




Swagger’s Stumper



What was Gopher’s job?




The BCS or Bust loonies are against this decision because they are first and foremost Dickie-Haters.  Even if the ad revenues were earmarked to bribe UNC admissions staff to let in any blue chip JuCo who could almost spell SAT; this bunch would be agin it because Dickie is for it.  They snort that if “that damn Baddour” would just shell out a bazillion dollars he could get Spurrier, Brian Billick, Bob Stoops, and Nick Saban with Pete Carroll as OffCoor and then expand Kenan to 100,000 and sell-out at $100/seat … that’s “what they would do” if Moeser would wise up and hire them as AD … yes sirree bob!


If the total ad revenue is say $1,000,000 the average fan will never see where it goes.  It will simply be absorbed into the operating budget.  It will not mean two more ping pong tables for the Kenan Football Center “so we have more ping pong tables than the Murphy Center”.  It will not mean next year’s Demario Pressley can order an extra lobster on his “official visit”.


Operating expenses for major college sports programs are escalating so fast that $1,000,000 is as paltry as “another Escalade” for an NBA lottery pick. Sell ads on every seat back and the “olympic sports” coaches will still be running car wash fund raisers to afford home and away uniforms.


Bitch about “signage in Kenan” while complaining about rising Ram’s Club levels and an extra $.50 for a Beefmaster.  90% of “damn Dickie Baddour’s” job involves trying to stretch a budget to accommodate UNC’s extensive sports program, most of which serve legitimate student athletes who actually put academics above athletics.  I think it’s terrific that UNC tries to do that … it’s even more important than having more ping pong tables than The Murphy Center (Yikes!).


The type of “commercial signage” that will end up in Kenan and The Smith Center will be tasteful and unobtrusive.  That, of course, won’t stop the “Commie-pinko Faculty Loons” and the “It’s Baddour’s Fault” bunch from braying and pontificating to anyone who will listen. What say we lock those two bunches up in the Chapel Hill Solid Waste Treatment Plant and let’em chew each others ears off.


As for you “purists” who are all torqued that “it will desecrate Mr Kenan’s holy temple” … I bet you thought Pamela Anderson was a virgin when she married Motley Crue’s Tommy Lee too.  It’ll be OK … I promise.


  • You survived when “coloreds” started playing for Carolina …
  • You survived when Taco Bell opened up in Chase Cafeteria …
  • You survived when Tom McMillan’s mamma said “no” …
  • You survived selling out to Nike …
  • You survived when The Gap came to Franklin Street …
  • You survived when Jeff’s Campus Porno Palace closed …
  • You survived when “The Legend” retired to the basement (?? whoa, not so fast there Swaggie)


OK, you survived 6 out of the 7.  



Will Scarlet & Alan-a-Dale were members of Robin Hood’s Merry Men in Sherwood Forest.  Trying making that movie in today’s hyper-sensitive world!



BobLee will be “LIVE” at the Raleigh Kiwanis Club this Friday at noon.  It’s already close to a sell-out but contact Harold Panel and tell him “Swagger sent ya”.  Raleigh Mayor Charlie Meeker will be on hand and BobLee will unveil a new bit about “the parade” … not what you might expect!


Contact Harold at …  [email protected]



Update your address book for BobLee … 

it must be [email protected] from now on.



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