The Name Game ???

January15/ 2000

.. BLSays EXCLUSIVE !!!  BobLee reveals the secret to Mack Brown’s success at Texas.  It’s NOT the giant video board or Bevo or the Big Drum or Will Muschamp ….. and we discuss “The Inner Eldrick” ….. speaking of Texas, Anson’s Flying Ponytails went down there and brought home #20 – The Blind Side shoots to #1.

Every “Big Time College Football Program” has a giant video board …. and luxury suites …. and Assistant Associate Athletic Directors in Charge of Superfluous Crap to Impress 18 y/o w/ 4th Grade Reading Comprehension.   So does Mack Brown.   In fact, Mack originated some of the over-the-top stuff that every BCS wannabee asks for for Christmas.  Who knew back in the mid 90s that 18 y/os couldn’t resist a 4’ long aquarium?  But what’s Mack’s Super Secret ?

Now it can be revealed.  I suspected it for some time and have copious notes on the subject.  Assuming every college FB fan in the Milky Way Galaxy was watching late Saturday night, that “YES” you heard as Bo Pellini’s head exploded was ME – putting the last piece in the puzzle as the pigskin slipped inside the left upright.

Who is Texas’ famous QB? …… Colt McCoy
Who is Colt’s #1 Receiver ? ……. Jordan Shipley
Who is Texas’ top DB ? ……. Blake Gideon
Former UT QB now Asst Coach? …. Major Applewhite
Now the latest UT SuperStar? ….  PK – Hunter Lawrence 

Colt ….. Jordan ….. Blake ….. Major ….. Hunter ….. I mean, REALLY ??   You do not simply shake a WASP nest (pun intended) and get a collection of great names like that.  It’s no coincidence that Dan Jenkins hisownself lives just up the Interstate in “FowtWorth”.   Granted Dan is a Horned Frog fan but surely the genius behind Billy Clyde Puckett and Shake Tiller inspired The Mackster just a bit. …. And Gus and Woodrow and Jake Spoon’s creator Larry McMurtry is a Hill Country resident too.

It can now be revealed that Mack Brown employs a Name Coach.  Some coaches promise a bluechipper he will have a certain # or play a certain position.   Mack gives each incoming group of milkshake-drinkin’, blue-eyed, media guide cover boys drop-dead, mega-cool names. ….. and, probably, a terminally cute, Barbie doll girlfriend named “Stacie” who is on staff with Campus Crusade and the Jr Rodeo Queen of New Braunfels three years in a row.   I think it’s great.  Where do I sign up, Mack?

I’ve seen Mack’s secret file.   With the current “Great Names” moving on to lucrative careers in tea-sippin’ history as “didn’t you used to be _____?”  Look for a new crop of “Horns hookin’ up with names like …… Rhett, Jubal, Errol, Wyatt, and Morgan.  It’s “The Eyes” and THE NAMES of Texas that’s upon you …..
Hey BobLee ….. what about Ol’ Miss QB – Jevon Sneed?   …… hehehehe, guess where “Jevon” originally signed before transferring to “Michael Oher’s school”?   Yep, “Jevon” was originally signed by Mack but “Colt” was simply a better name than “Jevon” ….. but it was close.


The global media takes a deep cleansing breath from a week of “Have you heard THE LATEST about Tiger?”   It’s not over yet as the skank-ometer  keeps moving towards double digits but the discussion now turns to The Oprahfication of Tiger Woods.

“What” he’s been doing is pretty obvious now.  The “how come he’s been doin’ that” is the natural progression for predictable media scrutiny.

Since Tiger is “part black”, his imperfections must somehow be rationalized and sanitized as with the glaring imperfections of all “part-black” mega-celebrities of note. (Wink wink, nod, nod, burp).   To criticize Tiger would be “racist” dontchaknow.

Did young Eldrick listen to Daddy Earl’s fatherly lectures for over 20 years but never heard the part about – “Fist pumpin’ is Good ….. Bimbo humpin’ is Bad” ? ….. “he listened for 20 years but he never heard ….”.   What’s with that? ….. an ethnic thing ???

SURPRISE !!!!  BobLee has done Dr. Phil’s job so you don’t have to watch Madame O’s  “whitewashed” (more pun intended) version.

Daddy Earl was “Gepetto” finely sculpturing a Young Eldrick into Tiger The Golfing Savant.  Gepetto fine-tuned his dream boy with 10,000s hours on the practice tee.  But with only so many hours in a day ….. something has to be deleted …… Earl The Puppeteer’s Master Creation never got to be “a real boy”.  As the world marveled at “Tiger”, the Inner Eldrick struggled with an unrequited puberty.   Alas, “puberty” can be delayed but never truly deleted from one’s evolution.

As the world lauded and applauded the red-shirted robot, there were stirrings and questions and more stirrings deep in the loins of the icon.  “Tiger” collected big checks, green jackets and “chased Jack” while his Inner Eldrick was confused and dealin’ with those “stirrings”.   Mainstream America simply assumed that anyone who could hammer a one-iron 300 yards uphill into a howling gale and stop it on a postage stamp could surely control his “stirring loins”.   Yea verily “stirring loins” have a power unlike any other.

Questions persist.  Why, with a platinum American Express card, did Eldrick not simply “hire pros” rather than a buffet of loose-lipped bimbos?   How come Eldrick as far as we know, NOT “diversify” his skankifying.  Uh oh!

To quote the wife of former Univ of Missouri Prez, Elson Floyd, advising Mizzou basketball bad boy Ricky Clemons ….. “Ricky, leave them blue-eyed blond crackers alone and date you some soul sistuhs ….”.  Hey folks, I didn’t say it.  Ms Floyd did.   You have noticed that about Tiger/Eldrick skank choices, haven’t you?  The Justice Brothers have definitely noticed it and they ain’t too happy about it AT ALL!.

If a University Prez’s wife admonishes one of their student-athletes, who then should step up and “advise” a confused Tiger/Eldrick?   ……. BINGO ….. who better than Michelle The White House Belle to instruct the confused cocksman in  his skankifying.  Who knows better the inner torments of a racially confused celebrity spouse.  Plus, Michelle and Tiger could arm-wrestle in the East Room as both have notable biceps.

Speaking of “names” ….. as of 5:30 PM Monday; Eldrick’s outed bimbos are Jamie …. Mindy …. Kalika ….. Rachel ….. Holly ….. Cori ….. & “Anonymous”.


Roy2Rings took his fuzzy-cheeks into Rupp Arena …. Fell behind by 19 and rallied to within 2.  No doubt some of you grumbled and mumbled “darn you Roy, you shoulda _____!”   I didn’t.  They may drop another one down in Texas next week and a few more along the way.  But Roy will have these youngsters dancing just fine come March.  He’s The Blue Messiah for a reason … and speaking of pretty darn great coaches:


Hopefully most of you of the Tar Heel persuasion watched Anson’s Flying Ponytails circa 2009 this past weekend.   Ho Hum;  another National Championship ….. #20 and counting.   It is easy to take this remarkable guy for granted, please don’t.   The level of sustained excellence from Coach Anson Dorrance defies laudatory adjectives.

As I watched both 1-0 Ws vs Notre Dame and Stanford, I remarked to Missus that with Anson as with Roy2Rings ….. the game may be lost due to ball bounces or “just because” ….. but it won’t be because our coach wasn’t “the best of the best”.  Should I call him Anson20Rings?

Wonder if ThePaleRider has ever met Anson.  ….. has he ever had a long chat with him.  I know many of you don’t care.  I was just wondering.  I wonder a lot.


 The Blind Side is #1 at the Box Office thanks to you guys taking my advice.  The Tuohys kicked the butts of the teen vampires in Two Moon.   Remember….. seeing The Blind Side is AN ORDER, not a Suggestion.

All those “moderate progressives” harumping that “Tiger didn’t do anything wrong; leave him alone yadda yadda ….” probably should not be on any “prospective God-parents” list.  Luckily, they probably aren’t.

OK ….. I know what you’re wonderin’.  That line:

“Fist pumpin’ is Good …. Bimbo humpin’ is Bad”.

Yes, of course I copyrighted it.

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