December 12, 2021
The TWO Straws that stir the drink of Big Time College Football …
You MIGHT be able to guess one of “the two straws” but I betcha never guess both of them.
Let’s compile a list of possible “straws that stir the drink” we all know as Big Time College Football.
In no particular order, there’s The NCAA … ESPN / Other TV Networks … The CFP Committee … Conference Commissioners … ADs … College Prezs/Chancellors … Coaches … Fat Cat Boosters … Referees … The GameDay Guys … Nick Saban … “The Sheriff of FansVille” (you do know that is Brian “The Boz” Bosworth, don’t you?) … “Jake with State Farm”… The AFLAC Goose or Duck Whatever … The Guy that invented the yellow first down hologram thingy … “Miss Terry” Saban … etc etc
Have you figured out who I’ve NOT included in that list? Two subspecies of humanity that we have discussed on/off here for going on 20+ years.
I’m not ranking them #1 straw and #2 straw, rather Co-#1 straws because they so perfectly complement each other. They combine to give each other the ultimate power they posses to “stir the drink” we call Big Time College Football.
The Straws That Stir College Football are:
Semi-literate 17/18 y/o 3-4-5 “Stars” … and …
Those GawdAwful Evolutionary Throwbacks – BOARD MONKEYS
Definition of “Board Monkey (BMs)”: Highly over-caffeinated subspecies of sports fans of every college football program (except Yours of course!) who are allowed unfettered access to all forms of social media. Those same social media platforms that banned a sitting POTUS with his finger on the nuclear trigger.
Board Monkeys can be identified by their beady little eyes, bad haircuts, soiled underwear, runny nose, and a curriculum vitae unblemished by ANY form of “success” whatsoever. Unless one counts finishing 7th in an 8-man Fantasy League in 2014. “Stoopid refs” costs him 6th place.
Their remarkably unimpressive existence does not keep them from blaring out their opinions on any/all matters related to their football program of choice.
BMs universally HATE any/everyone in any position of authority especially ADs, Chancellors, Provosts (?), Trustees, CFP Committees, Fat Cat Boosters, Head Coaches, Coordinators, Asst Special Teams Analysts, Play-by-Play announcers, “those FansVille commercials”, and any player for “his team” that has ever missed a block, a tackle, a PAT, etc.
The #1 Most Favorite Player for all Board Monkeys are “Back-up QBs”. Board Monkeys LOVE “Back-Up QBs”. ????
Curiously … despite being HATED by Board Monkeys (BMs) … Fat Cat Boosters rely exclusively on BMs for “advice” on when a Coach should be fired … necessitating said Fat Cat Boosters anteing up millions $$$ for contractural “buy-outs”.
89% of BMs do not purchase season tickets or have any financial wherewithall whatsoever … but DEMAND that Fat Cat Boosters ante up those “buy-out” millions so BMs can maybe get a vicarious sense of achievement IF the new coach wins a few games … especially games against A HATED RIVAL. BMs personify the HATE in HATED RIVALS.
If a dozen or more Board Monkey scream (ALLCAPS) on a fan message board that XYZ Coach MUST be FIRED NOW … for reasons unexplainable, Fat Cat Boosters will order their AD to do it regardless of the Buy-Out … because “our fanbase” demands it !!!
“Our fan base” defined as a dozen or so raging nitwits on a message board. Go figure. ….. “straw” … “drink” … “stir”
Three Power5 HCs now have 10-year contracts approaching $100,000,000. In 1967 Bill Dooley was making $35,000 as UNC HFC.
OK, comparing “back then” prices is a trick unless one factors in inflation … but $100,000,000 deals for “A FREAKIN’ FOOTBALL COACH redefines OUT OF CONTROL.
Once the “perks” that Lincoln Riley finagled out of USC became public … every other New Power5 HC used Riley’s perks as a baseline for their agent to negotiate.
Does Duke even have a private jet for Mike Elko and his family 24/7?
What we have witnessed across America the past 2-3 weeks is the crowning achievement of the Influence of Board Monkeys on Big Time College Football.
I fear We Ain’t Seen Nuthin’ Yet! Uh Oh …. why stop at $100,000,000? Why indeed!
Someone tell me how a kid with MAYBE “5th grade reading comprehension” can declare he is “graduating early” – in effect skipping his normal high school senior year – so he can start raking in NIL $$$ … and enrolling at an Academic Institution of Higher Leaning (?) to “major” in Football. LOL! … I digress …
I noted several weeks ago that My Way of enjoying watching College Football involves my turning two blind eyes and my sense of smell away from its Rampant Hypocrisy.
Dismissing the Hypocrisy in College Football is like accepting the impossibility of those stunts in the Mission Impossible and Bond films … or Professional Wrestling.
Enjoy all of the above for the sheer enjoyable entertainment value … PERIOD.
All the Fat Cat Booster $$$$ being thrown at coaches and for silly recruiting bling would NOT otherwise be going to St Jude’s Hospital for cancer research … or “for infrastructure”.
You’ve all heard about the “Arms Race” among Power5 Football Programs. It has been decried for decades. THAT has escalated 1000X from how absurd it was just five years ago.
Remember NCState’s Dave Doeren bragging about adding “more charging stations in their locker room”?
Hellfire, I recall Amato bragging “we have TWO ping pong tables AND a Foosball Table”. WOW! Where do I sign up coach?
And there was Mack and his Aquarium back in the late 90s. Yeeee HA!
In 2022 your locker room better have leather recliners (NOT faux leather – Real Leather!) and individual TVs in every locker.
AND … Every pimped-out locker room crib has to be UPGRADED every three years just to keep up with “Hated Rivals”.
When 3-4-5 Stars are checking out “your school” and don’t Go Ga-Ga over your two puny Jumbotrons you better DO SOMETHING ASAP.
Quick, we gotta have Bigger Jumbotrons … NOW!
Those “Stars” your coaches are promising “Sure, you’ll start from Day One…” will be gone in a year or so or when they find out the coaches tell EVERY recruit he “will start from Day One”.
When a 5-Star says “Coach, I MIGHT come here if you had …….” then you damn well better get a ………!
“straw” …. “stir” … “drink”
Since “even Wake Forest” has an IPF now … who will be the first program with an IPF with a retractable roof? Don’t laugh … check back here in three years.
Lets discuss “Loyalty” for a minute. Mike Leach – who I’ve always liked – unlike every other coach, his favorite book is NOT The Art of War and his favorite movie is NOT Patton.
Mike Leach did a rant this weekend about player “opt outs” of totally meaningless bowl games due to possible NFL career threatening injuries. Mike doesn’t like them doing that.
Leach thinks players “owe it to” their teammates to play in those games. I bet a lot of you think like Mike Leach does.
UNC’s “opt outs” last year in the Orange Bowl arguably costs them a possible win over aTm. But WHO CARES …. players get the same cheap watch and Best Buy gift card whether they win or lose the totally meaningless game.
I want a pic of the first time Mack Brown wears his DUKE Mayo Bowl watch …
When asked “Hey Mike, what about coaches who are taking new jobs and leave their teams before a totally meaningless bowl game?”
Leach hemmed and hawed and said he had to go …. Patton was starting in ten minutes.
Next Time … lets talk about THE TRANSFER PORTAL …
PS: Show of hands … Be Honest … Did you know that “The Sheriff of Fansville” really is Brian Bosworth?