I turned to Thelma & Louise and asked’em …

Thelma and Louise
BobLee
January22/ 2021

BobLee logo

Jan 22, 2021

.

So I turned to Thelma & Louise and asked’em …

***

As The Land of The Free & Home of The Brave did “a Thelma & Louise” this week” … I turned to Thelma & to Louise and asked’em …

“Have I told you the one about Me & Randy Parton @ The Umstead ?”

Knowing it is a loooong trip to the bottom of The Abyss, I figured a sorta looong story was Just Perfect for the occasion.

Thelma and

.

Dolly Parton’s brother “Randy” passed away this week.  Our sincere condolences to The Parton Family.  There’s no humor in the passing away of a family member.

BUT By Golly there was HUMOR APLENTY back in February of 2008.

Return with us now to an Unforgettable YEE HAA Day & The Umstead.   Yes, its kinda long but “a good kinda long”.  You’ll see …

***

(Originally Posted Feb 9, 2008)

Picture this:

…. a poor man’s Kyle Petty doing his impression of Brisco Darling operating a Guess Your Weight scam at the State Fair.

Put it in Mamma Goodnight’s toney Boutique Hostelry & SPA in Cary.  Invite BobLee, Kolchak Carrington and a bevy of blow-dried talking heads …… Sometimes being me is just too much fun.

Randy “a/k/a Dolly’s Baby Brutha” Parton wanted to give his side of the story about “what really happened” in Roanoke Rapids.  At 11AM on Friday yours truly and a bunch semi-legitimate media types gathered amid muffled giggles and grins trading rimshots at Cary’s oh-so-toney The Umstead Hotel & Spa on the campus of Cary’s mysterious corporate goliath SAS.

The Umstead is Jim Goodnight’s wife’s version of “I’m bored Jimmy.  Buy me something to play with”.  When hubby is a billionaire “something” means more than a Hallmark Card franchise at the local mall or a personal trainer named Sven.

“The Ump” is quite the Hostelry (& Spa).  Pretentiousness oozes from its every pore which is not a bad thing if one tucks one’s tongue firmly in one’s cheek where mine permanently resides.

Umstead Hotel

 

The sense of anxious anticipation permeated the room on the level of Democ Gubernatorial candidate-ette Bev “Baby Dumpling” Perdue calling us together to detail how she lost her virginity in the backseat of a 1968 Plymouth Barracuda.

Odds were being given and bets taken whether Randy Parton would be able to establish the slightest iota of credibility …. And, if so, could he sustain said credibility longer than 30 seconds.  Those who wagered nope and are you kidding split the pot.

Local Democratic “operative” Brad Crone emceed the show for reasons never explained other than Rufus Edmiston was not available to open proceedings with his classic rendition of It Wasn’t God Who Made Honky Tonk Angels.

I counted nine camera tripods pointed at the podium.  Media events such as this involve three categories of folks ….. (1) The guys in jeans are the techies aka cameramen. (2) The folks carrying little notebooks are the “reporters”.  (3) The guys checking out the info-babes and grabbing handfuls of free snacks are the Internet Legends. ….. oh, and (4) the somber dude in the dark suit is a $500/hour lawyer from Poyner & Spruill.  More about him later.

To everyone’s total surprise the proceedings started on time.  It ended earlier than Brad had indicated it would but that was due to the media vultures actually pecking out Randy’s eyes ….. and at the genitals of Slick Rick Watson.  Slick Rick Who? 

Randy hisownself was there, of course, along with a sad-faced Sissy Spacek lookalike introduced as “Randy’s wife”.  How come every country music gal not named Mandrell or Shania looks like Sissy Spacek?  Daughter Heidi Lou nor sister You-Know-Who were not on the premises.

The aforementioned Poyner & Spruill dark-suited mouthpiece stood behind Randy at the podium.  As a $500/hour Teddy Ruxpin his job was to say “we cannot answer that question as it is a private matter”.  After the 7th or 8th recitation of that phrase, he simply raised a finger to his nose like a bidder at a Sotheby auction.

Randy probably had a Dress For A Poor Impression consultant pick out his wardrobe.  Being that grungy and yucky takes professional talent.  If you’ve ever been to a NASCAR race at Talledega you’ve seen 100s of “Randys” slouched in lawn chairs beside their truck/campers.  He has a ponytail that Kyle Petty or Secretariat might envy.  At least two feet long and likely washed whenever it rains or once/month whichever comes first.

The best way I can describe Randy Parton as I watched him today is ….. a Franklin Street derelict wearing reading glasses.  He was soooo obviously waaay out of his element that one had to feel a dollop of compassion for the poor fool.  But a good juicy column trumps compassion for poor fools every time.

Randy read a prepared statement which he might have skimmed thru prior to 11 AM but which was obviously not written by him.  My guess is a $250/hour associate at Poyner & Spruill but I’m just guessing.  The prepared statement was a combination eulogy and American Idol contestant application.

Apparently this poor fool thought he was performing for a busload of blue hair in Branson …. Not Dr Van Helsing and a roomful of bloodthirsty bad guy hunters.

Randy outlined a glowing personal career that made one wonder why The Grand Old Opry’s “The Ryman” Auditorium had not been renamed “The Randy”.  By 11:20 pretty much 97% of what Randy claimed to be and claimed to have done had been debunked thru the dreaded Q & A.  Refer above to that “vultures and eyes” part.

Kolchak

…. Beginning the Q&A was classic.  A nubile intern would hand the wireless mic to a media guy/gal and they introduced themselves.  …. I’m Don “Kolchak” Carrington w/ The Carolina Journal” and Randy hollered out “HI KOLCHAK!”  It was straight out of a AA meeting.  Old habits die hard for Randy Parton.

…. Three kicks upside his head questions later Randy was getting whiplash turning to his P&S consigliere for back-up.  At around 11:22 Randy got that deer in the headlights look that said “who’s great idea was it to do this anyway?”  Randy’s sad tale of good intentions gone awry had deteriorated into legitimate concerns over whether he really IS “her baby brother”.

“Kolchak” and I walked out at 11:32 looking like Hawkeye Pierce and Trapper John after seven hours of sewing up gut-shot GIs for the 4077.  Kolchak had his hands in Randy’s entrails for a good 10 minutes.

…. A “money line moment” came when Randy admitted he had absolutely no experience whatsoever in running a theater.  The entire room waited for the “But …… Holiday Inn Express” punchline.  It never came.  $250/hr P&S ghostwriters don’t do zingers …. they shoulda.

It was great fun busting Randy’s scruffy chops like a Whack-A-Mole but the really long knives were saved for Slick Rick Watson.

A veteran Democrat operative like Brad Crone shoulda known better than to ever allow unplanted questions.  Democrats and Daylight never go well together.  There is a reason that Hillary (nor John Edwards …. who?) never does/did it  .  When your mere physical presence screams I WOULD NOT EVEN BUY A USED CAR FROM ME you should avoid “the media” in all its forms.

Slick Rick was the “mastermind” behind the whole scam and everyone in the room knew it.  Randy was simply the halfwitted Judas Goat w/ the two foot long ponytail.  His apology to Randy on behalf of the State of North Carolina had every reporter in the room grabbing their wooden stake and hammer.  Within five minutes he backtracked on that faster than an NFL cornerback trying to cover David Tyree.

Kolchak and The N&Os Jonathan Cox were double-teaming Slick Rick like Stone Cold Steve Austin and The Rock.

At 11:28 the lightbulb finally went on w/ Rick & Randy.  This Dog & Pony(tail) Show had been suggested by the P&S guy since he is billDumpster Fireed out by the hour or portion there of.  Crone pulled the plug at 11:29 but P&S will bill it as one partner at $500 for a full hour.

It truly had become A Raging Dumpster Fire ….

How much Mamma Goodnight charged’em for the coffee set-up and room rental was another “we can’t answer that one either.”

Brad had informed us in advance that Randy had to get back to Sevierville TN by late afternoon for “business reasons”.  His shift at the Dollywood “Guess Your Weight” booth begins at 6:30.

I spent last Friday morning w/ Randy & Rick & Kolchak and the ScamBusters … and I spent Friday afternoon getting $1,500 worth of dental work.  All things considered it was a helluva Fun Friday. ….. I hope you had a good one too.

###

See … I told you you’d like it!

Today’s Fun Factoid:  The classic Post-Apocalyptic movie MAD MAX with a young Mel Gibson was set in a fictional 2021 … YIKES!

.

More of BobLeeSays … HERE

.

5 1 vote
Article Rating
BobLee
Subscribe
Notify of
guest

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.

26 Comments
Newest
Oldest Most Voted
Inline Feedbacks
View all comments
Doug
Doug
2 months ago

Screwed it up royally when they refused to dredge out the Roanoke River to accommodate the big cruise ships. The greedy sports fishing lobby wanted to protect their striped bass aka rock fish honey hole.😎 Poor Randy was only a face with a famous sister. Who really drove this cluster***k?

NCSU77
NCSU77
2 months ago
Reply to  BobLee

Good Point. Remember another “if we build it, they will come” boondoggle called the Global Transpark? By the way, a little research shows that Roanoke Rapids has about 13 million of debt. After more than 10 years, the RR Theater represents about 12..8 million of the total. Debt service is about 1.2 million per year.

Queen City
Queen City
2 months ago

Remember it well, especially when driving to Lake Gaston and trying to reason why they picked Roanoke Rapids for that place. As it relates to reporter fun and games. Keep an eye out on Peter Doocy and Jen Psaki. PD has already established himself as the lone wolf asking relevant questions at the White House briefings. This obviously does not sit well with Jen and it’s not a coincidence she keeps refering to him as Steve his Dad that hosts Fox and Friends.

former96heel
former96heel
2 months ago

I’m with you, these scams are continuous, everywhere, everyday. The biggest victim may have been Randy.
he probably didn’t net enough to buy a 2 year old fancy truck.
.
Now, if they only paved a 12,000′ runway next to it, then we have some potential.

NCSU77
NCSU77
2 months ago
Reply to  BobLee

I recognized a couple of names in the “others” group when I started tracking the story. My first reaction was “this is not going to turn out well.” Sorry to say, my instincts were correct.

Ruth
2 months ago

You did not let me down, Love this! A great laugh. You managed to bring a little “sunshine” on a cold gray day.

NCSU77
NCSU77
2 months ago

As an interesting coincidence, Rick Watson died back in December (see N&O).

Da Judge in Charlotte
Da Judge in Charlotte
2 months ago

Randy probably got harder questions from the media than Sleepy Joe Biden and Kamala Harris (aka Willie Brown’s squeeze) will ever receive from the DC press corps

Hometown.Reporter
2 months ago

You outdid yourself on that story!!! And yes , I did enjoy it!!! Laughing is way better than weeping!
Thank you!!!

Kolchak
2 months ago

Has it really been almost 13 years? Seems like only yesterday. Thanks for the memories.

Old.News.Guy
2 months ago

One of your All Time Bests. I was “there” but forgot how surreal it all was. Great Job!

iratepyrate
iratepyrate
2 months ago

RIP Randy Parton. And thank you, BL, for lots of laughs in re-reading your column and reliving one of the more hilarious episodes in eastern NC’s tortured history. Whenever I drive up nawth on 1-95, as I get closer to mile post 171 a flood of memories and a big grin crosses my face as I drive by the infamous Randy Parton Theater. I keep promising myself that next time I’m in that neighborhood I’m going to exit the highway and drive around it’s parking lot and take a poor man’s tour of that place. But deadlines and commitments always… Read more »

Bill.PV
2 months ago

BL, you have so many unique experiences coupled with the talent to share with your followers. Glad I’m one!
Bill

26
0
Would love your thoughts, please comment.x
()
x